I was virgin before university but ended up sleeping with five different guys since… I feel disgusted

The Sun

6 days ago

DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I arrived at university less than a year ago I was a virgin, but now I've already slept with five different guys.
I used to have a boyfriend when I was living at home, but my parents are very strict and religious and frown on sex before marriage.
They rarely let me and my boyfriend out of their sight.
I'm an 18-year-old girl. When I applied for university my parents insisted I had to live in halls as they thought it would be safer than a house but they don't know the halls I'm in are mixed.
On my first night I went to the student bar and ended up drinking far too much and going back to one guy's room and having sex with him.
I felt guilty but managed to get over it. I had sex with him a few more times but he stressed it was just for fun.
Although I really liked him, I acted as if I was happy with that.
He would come to my room late at night and let himself in, then return to his room afterwards. I don't see him now as he has changed course.
I started seeing another student but he was controlling. He reminded me of my parents so I dumped him.
There was another one after him but we weren't compatible.
Then I've had a couple of one-night stands that haven't gone anywhere.
At the weekend I bumped into the first guy in a bar.
Dear Deidre on relationships, jealousy and envy
I told myself I wasn't going to have sex with him but we ended up in my bed.
I feel disgusted with my behaviour. I have gone from having no sex to doing it just for fun. I'm so confused.
DEIDRE SAYS: Casual sex risks both your emotional and sexual health but don't beat yourself up.
You grew up without being given a chance to develop a sense of responsibility to decide on healthy boundaries for your sexual behaviour.
You're giving off vibes that you're up for a casual fling, rather than spelling out what you really want.
No-strings sex is unlikely to lead to a relationship.
The good news is you can do something about this. Set your boundaries firmly.
Only have sex with men who are as open as you are to the possibility of it leading to a relationship.
Drinking too much alcohol is seriously affecting your judgment so keep your boozing in check.
I'M FED UP OF MOVING HOME AS HE BUILDS HIS CAREER
DEAR DEIDRE: I AM sick of following my husband and his job around the country. Is it time for me to break free and move to another area?
My husband works in construction and he likes to be near his work. He's currently involved in building a huge estate a few miles from where we live as part of the Government's new housing plan.
It's been going on for three years, with shops and schools all in the mix, and my husband is part of different phases.
We are both 52 and I've had enough. The area we live in isn't great. Nobody goes out at night because it's not safe.
My husband loves his job and simply says it is paying the bills so I need to get on with it. I would love to develop my own career but because we move so often I can only offer cleaning or waitressing.
DEIDRE SAYS: If you don't have to work then it is easier to stay where one of you is working but is there no room for compromise?
Find a moment to talk to your husband about moving further away from his work to somewhere still accessible but a nicer environment to live in.
Could he use public transport or even car-share to the site to take some of the strain off a longer commute?
If you can't agree, then see tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1975) who will be able to help you find a compromise through couple's counselling.
DEAR DEIDRE: MY mother's house is absolutely filthy and I've come to realise that she doesn't keep herself clean either.
While my wife and I were renovating our really old property, we spent six weeks living with her, along with our two children.
My brothers and I have all lived with her at some stage, and the house is always messy. We've had discussions and jokes about having to clean up when we go.
This time it was worse. The house was piled up with old newspapers and things she had bought but never used.
Mum smells musty too and there are rooms you can't even enter because of everything that's piled up.
My dad died 15 years ago. I'm 31 and I have realised that things started to get bad when she was grieving him.
DEIDRE SAYS: When people start to let their personal hygiene slip, it is often a sign of depression.
You must talk to her. If she's feeling overwhelmed with the property, arrange a clean-up with your brothers.
Ask if she has spoken to her doctor about this or whether she would consider bereave­ment counselling.
Check out Cruse Bereavement Care (cruse.org.uk, 0808 808 1677).
You can find more advice through hoardinguk.org, which helps anyone affected by a hoarder or hoards themselves.
SHE THINKS ONCE A WEEK IS PLENTY
DEAR DEIDRE: IF I didn't initiate sex, my wife and I would be living like housemates. I'm fed up with always being the one to suggest it and feeling like a sexual predator.
I've no interest in cheating on her. I love her and she is my world, aside from my three kids who are pretty special, too.
We have busy lives with the children's activities, cooking and cleaning, but we both work at it. My wife is 41 and I'm 45.
We both have good jobs and sometimes work from home.
With our companies both relaxing the rules on being in the office, I thought it would be our opportunity to get physically intimate during the day sometimes when the kids were at school.
My wife sees it differently. She thinks sex once a week is enough, so if we've done it one evening, then I worry about asking her again.
She's always got the excuse that she is tired or the kids will hear if we do it at bed time.
I think we have lots of time when we are alone so why not take advantage and have sex three or four times a week? My wife doesn't agree.
DEIDRE SAYS: A good sex life is more about quality than quantity and a good relationship is making sure that you both compromise if there's something you don't agree on.
Rather than letting this fester, find a moment when you're not going to bed and ask if you can talk to her.
Explain that you feel unhappy with the way things are right now and ask what you can do so she commits to sometimes initiating sex.
Having a date night once a week, when there are no distractions like phones, can help. She might feel like sex afterwards.
'Diarising' intimacy often helps couples to make time to ensure that connection. My support pack Different Sex Drives will also help.