Latest news with #DEIDRE
Scottish Sun
5 hours ago
- Health
- Scottish Sun
I've been having steamy affair with married man for four years – but he won't leave wife and kids for me
I am torn between my heart and what my brain tells me to do, which is to cut him off DEAR DEIDRE I've been having steamy affair with married man for four years – but he won't leave wife and kids for me Click to share on X/Twitter (Opens in new window) Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) DEAR DEIDRE: HAVING a passionate affair isn't all it's cracked up to be and I'm not proud I've been sneaking around with a married man for four years. It was never my intention to develop a long-term relationship and I haven't told a soul about us. Even though realistically he is the one cheating — after all, I'm strictly speaking a single woman — I still carry a lot of shame and I feel so bad for his wife and children. I first met my lover at work. He is 36 and I am 31. I had gone through a bad break-up and I found myself confiding in him. We'd fancied each other for ages. It all kicked off with some gentle email flirting. Then, after a couple of weeks, we began finding quiet spots to have sex at work. It seemed the most natural thing in the world even though it was risky. That is what made it exciting. I didn't think I would let myself fall in love with him, but of course then I did. He's adamant that he will never leave his wife and two kids for me and yet assumes he will always have me in his life. I am torn between my heart and what my brain tells me to do, which is to cut him off. It has been almost two weeks now since I last saw him and slept with him. He is the one who always initiates the meet-ups, never me. Dear Deidre After Dark- Understanding open relationships He will sometimes drive an hour to spend a night at the weekend with me. I never go to see him. I know he is a love rat and nothing will ever change. DEIDRE SAYS: You are right. After all this time he is not going to make the break, especially when he has the best of both worlds. It is now time to be kind to yourself. Explain that casual relationships are not your style and you are moving on. It will be tough, but you are worth more than staying in a one-sided, no-strings relationship. You deserve better and my support pack Your Lover Not Free explains more about how to handle this sort of situation. Be polite and professional with him at work but avoid being alone with him. There are plenty of men your age who are free to love you and give you all the things that you want. My support pack Finding The Right Partner explains more and should be helpful for you. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. TRAPPED AND ALONE IN A LOVELESS MARRIAGE DEAR DEIDRE: THE reality of retirement is so different from what I imagined. I hoped my husband and I would spend time together, but he prefers to sit in his bedroom on the computer. Weekends are the worst. He makes his coffee, does his own washing and prepares his own food. He will spend every minute in his bedroom until he goes to the gym on Monday morning. My husband's 67 and I'm 63. We have been married for 40 years but in the last decade we have lived separate lives. He told me my snoring was keeping him awake so I moved into our single room. I have explained how lonely I am and would like to have a chat and a coffee together, but it always ends up in arguments. There is no support from him and I don't have any other choice but to stay as financially he has all the money. I took early retirement due to ill health. I feel trapped and don't see the point of going on. DEIDRE SAYS: This is a miserable way to live but it sounds as if he is not going to change. He may be mirroring his parents' relationship, so his behaviour does not seem abnormal to him. Pick a moment to talk to him about how you are feeling. He is actually being abusive. Withholding money is a form of abuse. My support pack Abusive Partner explains more. HOW CAN I CATCH MY THIEF FRIEND? DEAR DEIDRE: MY best friend has been stealing money from me. I'm a woman of 51 and I've known my mate since we were in primary school. She's 52. She moved to Spain with her family for a while but she'd always meet me when she came home to visit her parents. She contacted me two years ago saying that she was divorcing her husband. He has a drinking problem. Her parents need her as they are getting on, so she's sold up in Spain and bought a flat near me but she's struggling to pay her bills and I regularly bail her out. I realised that I'd be taking money out of the ATM for incidental things – paying my dog walker, for example – but when I'd go to pay him, the notes would be missing. I've come to realise that the money disappears when my friend has been to my house. Do I confront her or say nothing and keep on bailing her out? DEIDRE SAYS: If she's taking money from you, this is a huge betrayal of trust so why shouldn't she be held to account? You need some evidence, though. Rather than going in, all guns blazing, tell her that you've noticed money going missing and you don't understand it and be clear that you're feeling the pinch of having money go missing. Watch her closely and if she takes money you may casually leave around, you can tell her she's hurt you and from now on, there's no more bailing out. I'M WORRIED BY HER LOW MOOD DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER dropping out of school, my daughter has now dropped out of college. It has got to the stage where she won't leave the house. I know she is suffering from depression and anxiety but rarely wants to talk. She is being assessed by the local young people's mental health team to see if she is autistic. I think she needs medication, but they won't prescribe anything. Every day she seems to get worse. I am her 48-year-old dad. I worry because she used to be very happy and outgoing, so I am not sure what has changed. I tried to suggest she talk to a counsellor, but she doesn't want to go. She's just 17. Having done some research online I also suggested she try 'journaling', mindfulness or yoga but that fell on deaf ears. She just shuts herself in her room, listening to music or watching Netflix. She is eating and she says she is sleeping but I am at the end of my tether. I work full-time and I am not always here to keep an eye on her. Neither is her mum. I am trying to keep calm and have talked to my wife, family and friends about how I am feeling as it is so isolating, not knowing what more I can do to help. DEIDRE SAYS: This must be a huge worry for you. It isn't unusual for a young person to feel depressed but with help and therapy, your daughter has every chance of recovering. Find support through (0808 802 5544), who can give you more advice about mental health services for young people. Juggling work and being a parent can feel overwhelming, but it is important to look after yourself. Your mental health is just as important, so it is a positive that you are talking to your family and friends for their support too.
Scottish Sun
2 days ago
- General
- Scottish Sun
I had a threesome with my girlfriend and her best friend – but she is now pregnant with my baby
I was nervous but they were both very keen. It felt as if they were old hands DEAR DEIDRE I had a threesome with my girlfriend and her best friend – but she is now pregnant with my baby Click to share on X/Twitter (Opens in new window) Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) DEAR DEIDRE: MY life is spinning horribly out of control ever since I agreed to have a threesome with my girlfriend and her best friend. While the sex was fun, her mate now says she's pregnant with my child and my girlfriend thinks it would be a good idea if we all lived together. It's a nightmare. I am 27 and my girlfriend is 24. We have been together for almost a year. I thought our sex life was great — she's the most gorgeous girl and I know she is in love with me. But she told me one night that her best friend liked me and kept hinting that it would be fun if we all went to bed together. Although I was reluctant, it's never been one of my fantasies to have a threesome. I thought, however, that if I agreed we could move on. So we arranged a date and the friend came over. We had a few drinks to get us in the mood. I was nervous but they were both very keen. It felt as if they were old hands. There was no awkwardness between them. I must admit the sex was amazing and, to my relief, everything went back to normal afterwards. Then to my horror, the friend announced she was pregnant. My girlfriend now wants her mate to move in with us — she thinks it would be the perfect solution. On top of everything she's started talking about having a baby as well. Dear Deidre After Dark- Understanding open relationships It's all too much and too fast. Our relationship still feels so new and I'm not ready to take such a big step. I don't want to be a dad to one baby, let alone two. DEIDRE SAYS: If ever there was a time to use protection, this was it. The decision over whether to have this baby belongs to your girlfriend's friend. My support pack Unplanned Pregnancy will help the friend look realistically at her options. Tell her you are not ready to be a dad and you will need a DNA test to prove paternity if she goes ahead with this pregnancy. If it turns out it is your child, you will have a legal obligation to help support your child. In an ideal world, a child will have two loving parents. Even if you aren't together, you can still be a positive force in a child's life. Having unprotected sex also risks jeopardising your sexual health, so please make sure everyone visits the local sexual health clinic to be tested. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. SHE HAS DAYS OUT WITH EX DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend plays happy families with her ex and their young son. They go on day trips to the seaside, and theme parks, and I am supposed to just accept it. I know a few people who have kids but have split up, but they don't behave like this. Is it normal for an ex-partner to be so involved? I'm 27 and my girlfriend's 25. We've been together for eight months. I love her and accept that she has a child but I am uncomfortable about her being around her ex. I see him whenever he comes to collect his son. We get on OK. But my girlfriend has let slip that her ex is still very fond of her. One thing that concerns me is, when she goes out with him, she always switches her phone off so her ex doesn't get upset by me contacting her. I am trying to understand, but I have feelings too. DEIDRE SAYS: Her relationship with her ex is over but it's better for your girlfriend and ex to put aside their feelings for the sake of their child. Rather than her turn her phone off, can you agree that you will only contact her in an emergency? At some point you need to take a leap of faith and trust her. Would she be happy to keep her phone on if you can resist keeping tabs on her? Arrange to do something special yourself, with your own friends, to avoid wallowing in a negative imagination. Organise special times of your own with your girlfriend and her son. BOYFRIEND'S SO AFRAID OF BEING NAKED DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend says the reason we haven't had sex for a while is because he doesn't like being naked. And when we do have sex, he puts his pants on immediately after. I am 23 and he is 25. We have been together for six months. He is always telling me how much he loves me, but he never shows me that he does. I want to have sex with him, but it's not happening. I'm not the slimmest and have my own body image issues, but they don't stop me wanting sex. I love him. He's fit and very attractive. I have told him he's drop-dead gorgeous, but I can't help but think he may be going off me. How do I tell him that this situation is weird, without it causing an argument. What kind of man is afraid of being naked in private? DEIDRE SAYS: How sad. It may be that he's suffering from shyness. Tell him you love his body, and let him know there's no reason for him to feel embarrassed or awkward. It's positive that he tells you how much he loves you. Keep telling him how gorgeous he is – and not just when you want sex. Suggest sharing all-over body massages, which will get you physically close and boost both your libidos. My support pack on Reviving A Man's Sex Drive will help too. HE KICKED OFF WHEN I BROUGHT MY FELLA HOME DEAR DEIDRE: I FELT like a naughty child when my brother told me off for letting my boyfriend stay the night in my room, even though I am 32. My boyfriend is 34 and we have been dating for seven months after meeting online. It's not like my brother doesn't know him. This particular night we'd been out at the pub for a meal and a drink, had a great time and my boyfriend walked me home. It was late and it made perfect sense for him to stay the night. Me and my brother share the house which was left to us when our dad died almost a year ago. My brother is 37. He accused us of keeping him awake all night, which simply wasn't true – we hadn't been 'up to anything' and we fell asleep as soon as we got into bed. I am disappointed in my brother because he then let other members of the family know. I accused him of being petty and that he had no right to tell anyone, but he just said they would have found out anyway. After thinking about it, I realise I perhaps should have asked my brother if it was OK for my boyfriend to stay over, but it was a spur-of-the-moment decision. I didn't mean to upset him. He thinks that because no man ever came to the house when our dad was alive, it should continue. DEIDRE SAYS: Your brother may feel he is the man of the house, now your dad is no longer around, but you are an adult and your private life is your own business. He is not your parent. Can you rearrange the shared living spaces so you both can have more privacy while living under one roof? It would also be a good idea to discuss boundaries around overnight visitors so that you both are on the same page. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself could also help.
Scottish Sun
3 days ago
- General
- Scottish Sun
I found out my long-term partner is married when he called me by another woman's name during sex – I'm devastated
DEAR DEIDRE: I FOUND out my partner is married when he called me by another woman's name during sex. We've been dating for five years. I'm devastated. At 40, I thought I was smart enough to spot the bad boys. My ex-husband was emotionally abusive so I'd sworn off men forever. But when I travelled 150 miles to oversee a project at work, one of the clients swept me off my feet. He's 45, funny, handsome and kind — he ticked all my boxes. And the sex was amazing. We'd spend whole weekends together in bed. The long-distance aspect made everything more exciting. He'd often be out of touch in the evenings, but I believed he was doing overtime. I saw him every other weekend, and he'd send me flirty texts and emails at work. I never for one second suspected he was married. Last month, he travelled down to my house for the weekend. On the Saturday night, we both got very tipsy on the sofa and ended up making love on the floor. He had his eyes shut. As I leant down to kiss him, he murmured another woman's name. I thought I'd misheard him, so I asked him to repeat it. He started to, then opened his eyes and the colour drained from his face as we both realised what he'd said. Eventually, I got the truth out of him. He's been married for a decade and he's got two kids. Dear Deidre After Dark- Understanding open relationships I kicked him out immediately, but he's been bombarding me with flowers and love letters. I know I should stay strong. I don't want to be some man's dirty secret. But I love him. DEIDRE SAYS: You thought he was your happy ever after, but he's just as emotionally unavailable as your ex. Start standing up for yourself now and tell him that you won't date a married man. Setting a boundary like this feels scary at first, but you'll be grateful you valued yourself in the long term. Cutting things off for good will stop you feeling like his 'dirty secret' and, more importantly, it will give you the chance to find somebody local to you. Someone you could see often, and who would put you at the top of his list of priorities. You owe that much to yourself. You've had a tough history of relationships, but it doesn't mean that every man will be like this cheat or your ex. My support pack, Your Lover Not Free?, explains why these types of relationships can be so addictive. You'll start to feel better when you've drawn a line under this and begun focusing on your future. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. SHE PREFERS SHOPPING TO SEX WITH ME DEAR DEIDRE: I NOW understand why people have affairs. I've been married for 21 years and my wife seems more excited about online shopping than sex with me. I'm 50, she is 46. We're too young to be celibate. Everything was great until a couple of years ago. We'd have sex a couple of times a week and we both enjoyed it. But then she started to seem annoyed, rather than aroused, whenever I made a move. After a few weeks, I asked her what was wrong, and she said she was 'perimenopausal'. I took her to the doctor and she got HRT patches. Her mood brightened up and she got her energy back, but the bedroom remained a desert. My frustration turned into anger and we had a blazing row. She said she'd be more in the mood if I took her out on date nights and booked a holiday. So I did. And she wasn't. In fact, on our last date night, she rushed through dinner and insisted we went home ASAP. I hoped it was because she finally wanted to hit the sheets. No. It was because she'd got a text saying her Amazon driver was three stops away. I don't know what to do. I'm on the verge of telling her I want to separate. I love her, but I don't want a sexless marriage. DEIDRE SAYS: Menopause can have a huge effect on a woman's sex drive. Even on HRT, the hormones are no longer as powerful as they once were and she may be feeling that she just doesn't get the 'urge' any more. She might also have started to find making love uncomfortable. If she's experienced painful sex, she could well be scared to try again. Perhaps, if you tell her you're thinking of separation then she may seek some extra help. Testosterone is one of the hormones believed to make the most difference in sexual appetite for women. Unfortunately, this hormone isn't available on the NHS. Your wife may want to consider talking to a private consultant about getting her hormone levels tested, or to ask her GP to refer her on to an NHS consultant. My Menopause Explained support pack, which goes into detail, will tell you more. Sex therapy might also help. You can find reputable help via The College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists ( 020 8106 9635). PETRIFIED OF BEING DUMPED DEAR DEIDRE: THE closer I get to my partner, the more frightened I am that she'll dump me. We met in a pub six months ago. I work behind the bar and she's a regular. There's a big age gap – I'm 22, she's 54 – so I assumed we'd just be a fling, but then we 'caught feelings'. It's my first proper relationship and I don't recognise myself. I'm constantly worried she's going to dump me. If she goes quiet over text, I assume she's lost all interest. I can't focus at work – I'm just staring at the door hoping she'll come in. My friends tell me to stay cool, but I can't. DEIDRE SAYS: There is no need to 'stay cool' in a relationship. Opening up about feelings usually makes couples grow closer. So talk to your partner about your fears. I hope she can reassure you. You are at very different life stages, so there's a big difference in your emotional maturity. My Learning About Relationships and Age Gaps support packs will help. FAMILY FORUM DEAR DEIDRE: MY son blocked me from seeing my granddaughter, so I took him to court. But the judge ended up ruling against me. My son and I have always had a strained relationship. His father left us when he was a baby, so I brought him up alone and I must have spoiled him. He got used to having his own way and I always gave in. I'm 60 now and he's 34. He married five years ago and had a daughter. She's the apple of my eye. I loved seeing her. My son continued to bully me. He'd demand money and threaten to cut off contact if I said no. He expected me to look after their pets every time they went on holiday, even though I work full-time. I eventually stood up to him and told him I wouldn't be pushed around. That's when he stopped me from visiting my granddaughter. He wouldn't take my calls and barred me from their house. I sent my granddaughter birthday and Christmas presents, but heard from a mutual friend that my son ripped off the labels and told her they were all from him. After 18 months, I went to court to gain access. But the judge ruled against me, saying that as I hadn't seen my granddaughter for so long, it wouldn't be beneficial for contact to resume. My son smirked at me across the room during the ruling. I'm heartbroken. DEIDRE SAYS: What a distressing situation. I can understand why you're heartbroken. Your bullying son is using his own daughter to hurt you. Sadly, grandparents in the United Kingdom currently have no inherent legal right to see their grandchildren. But you don't have to go through this experience alone. You can find emotional support through Grandparents Apart UK ( a charitable organisation dedicated to helping grandparents keep in touch with their grandchildren if they've been denied contact or have fallen out. You can also find information and advice through Stand Alone ( can't get this link to work on laptop or phone, which helps people of all ages who are estranged from, or disowned by, their family. Good luck.
The Irish Sun
4 days ago
- Entertainment
- The Irish Sun
My girlfriend had sex with a man who loves S&M & now she wants me to treat her like dirt and call her a s**t during sex
1 DEAR DEIDRE: MY on-off girlfriend and I recently got back together and everything was going brilliantly until she started to ask me to belittle her during sex. We'd had a good I know she had a couple of flings but there was one guy who she was with for a couple of months and he was into everything - sex parties, S&M, the lot. My So now when she asks me to call her derogatory names - all I can think is that she is imagining this other bloke. It's killing me. The other problem is that she now says she can't get sexually excited unless I call her names, or role play being her pimp, but the whole thing is a complete She literally begs me to call her worthless or a filthy sl*t. She wants me to dominate completely in the bedroom. The last time we had sex, I felt so uncomfortable but managed to call her 'dirty'. Afterwards she told me it wasn't enough. She complains I'm not convincing enough, and I hated every second of it. I love her, so why on earth would I want to treat her like dirt? But what does our long term relationship look like if I can't give her what she wants sexually? I'm MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE DEIDRE SAYS: Your girlfriend has developed a kink after being introduced to being belittled in the bedroom by another partner. Half-heartedly going along with her new demands, in the hope the issue will somehow miraculously resolve itself, is unrealistic. Talk to your girlfriend and let her know why this new development makes you feel so uncomfortable. Dear Deidre: Understanding why your man's gone off sex Explore if there is a compromise to be had while making sure you are outlining your boundaries. But also know there is nothing boring about caring for your girlfriend. You have your preferences and have every right to own them with pride. Nobody - male or female - should ever do anything that makes them uncomfortable just to keep their partner happy. You have a right to refuse to degrade her, and if she loves you she will accept your decision. If she doesn't, it suggests she cares more about her own sexual thrills than your feelings. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help. Perhaps you could experiment with other sexual activities which are kinky but not degrading. If you can't find a compromise or other ways to enjoy your sexual connection, I'm sorry but you may have to accept that she is not the girl for you. My support pack Kinky Sex Worries explains more. Dear Deidre's Kinky Sex Files Deidre's mailbag is stashed full with kinky dilemmas. One reader started questioning everything after learning about her husband's disturbing The Kinky Truth No form of sharing physical pleasure and satisfaction is wrong between a loving couple, as long as both are participating willingly and with genuine enjoyment, and as long as neither of you is being hurt, either physically or emotionally. If something is sexually off putting for one partner but a turn on for another, it won't help to tag it as dirty or perverted. What one of us finds erotic, another finds degrading. What one thinks of as stimulating and erotic, another rejects as pornographic and disgusting. It helps enormously when trying to sort out this kind of issue as a couple not to start taking moral standpoints and judging one another, but to see it as a practical problem you need to negotiate your way around. What actually matters here is that you don't want to do it. If you'd only do it under pressure, then it cannot be fun or pleasurable for you. That's not to say it isn't worth trying some new things that might be pushing the boundaries for you. If the rest of your relationship is a strong one then you may surprise yourself and find you are wonderfully turned on by the very thing you have never dared try. At the least, even if you don't enjoy everything you try, you may find you and your partner can now enjoy enough variation to take the heat out of the conflict. In fact, serious conflicts over sex usually come down to a problem in the relationship generally. If you are with a partner who really loves you, they aren't going to want to upset you by pressing for out-of-the ordinary sex that you find distasteful or worrying. If this is causing a great deal of conflict between you, it's well worth while making an appointment to see a counsellor to find out what is really at issue and how it can be resolved. By Sally Land, The Sun's Agony Aunt. Get in touch with the Dear Deidre team Every problem gets a personal reply from one of our trained counsellors. Sally Land is the Dear Deidre Agony Aunt. She achieved a distinction in the Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling, has specialised in relationships and parenting. She has over 20 years of writing and editing women's issues and general features. Passionate about helping people find a way through their challenges, Sally is also a trustee for the charity Family Lives. Her team helps up to 90 people every week. Sally took over as The Sun's Agony Aunt when Deidre Sanders retired from the The Dear Deidre column four years ago. The Dear Deidre Team Of Therapists Also Includes: Kate Taylor : a sex and dating writer who is also training to be a counsellor. Kate is an advisor for dating website OurTime and is the author of five self-help books. Jane Allton : a stalwart of the Dear Deidre for over 20 years. Jane is a trained therapist, who specialises in family issues. She has completed the Basic Counselling Skills Level 1, 2, and 3. She also achieved the Counselling and Psychotherapy (CPCAB) Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Studies. Catherine Thomas : with over two decades worth of experience Catherine has also trained as a therapist, with the same credentials as Jane. She specialises in consumer and relationship issues. Fill out and submit our easy-to-use and You can also send a private message on the deardeidre@
Scottish Sun
4 days ago
- General
- Scottish Sun
I think about my girlfriend's niece during sex – she turns me on so much more and my self-control won't last much longer
Click to share on X/Twitter (Opens in new window) Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) DEAR DEIDRE: MY partner's niece really turns me on. I'm trying to keep away from her, but I can't resist. She's been staying with us and we have kissed. I keep fantasising about sex with her, but fear my partner will find out. What can I do to stop the inevitable happening? My self-control won't last much longer. My partner and I are in our early forties and we have been together for five years. Her niece is 21. She's studying locally and, as rental prices are ridiculous, my partner invited her to live with us in term time. When she arrived, I noticed how attractive she is — slim, with long legs and long, dark hair. I assumed she wouldn't want much to do with me, as she'd be out partying with her student friends. But she seemed keen to be around me, often staying up late to talk when my partner went to bed. Sometimes, I even thought she was flirting, but I told myself it was wishful thinking. Then, one evening, we shared a bottle of wine. She got tipsy and told me she'd always wanted to be with an older man. She moved very close to me on the sofa, then leaned over to kiss me. Dear Deidre After Dark- Understanding open relationships I have never been so aroused in my life. But, knowing it was wrong, I made my excuses and went up to bed before things could go further. The next day, she kept brushing past me in the kitchen. I thought that I would explode with desire. Since then, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. During sex with my partner, I imagine I'm with her niece instead. My partner is going away for work soon. I know what's going to happen while she's away. I feel guilty, but I also don't want to turn down what promises to be the best sex of my life. DEIDRE SAYS: It sounds like you want permission to have sex with your partner's niece. I'm afraid I can't give you that. Neither can I give you self-control, you need to find that within yourself. Find something to do that will keep you occupied while your partner is away. Better still, go and visit a friend. As the older, more mature party, you need to talk to your partner's niece and tell her that this can't go any further. Remind her that it's not just a bit of fun. You're risking her relationship with her aunt, and yours with your partner. It's hardly a kind way to pay back her aunt's generosity in allowing her to stay. Perhaps you should also ask her to find somewhere else to live as soon as possible. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME WITH ALCOHOLIC HUBBY DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I reached the end of my tether with my husband's alcohol problem, I wrote to you for help. He was in denial and I couldn't get him to take responsibility. Although I still loved him, I didn't see how I could remain married to a man who no longer had any interest in me, sexually or emotionally. My husband and I are both in our mid-fifties and have been married for 25 years. Since being made redundant during Covid, his life had revolved around alcohol. He drank every day, had stopped seeing friends and even talking to me. You acknowledged how unhealthy our relationship had become and said my husband sounded depressed. You advised that he needed to go to his GP, and recommended that we both saw a counsellor. You suggested I read your support packs, Dealing With Depression, How Counselling Can Help and Dealing With A Problem Drinker. I had a big talk with him and told him I would leave if he didn't get help. He finally agreed to see his doctor and is now drinking far less and being more affectionate. Thank you. DEIDRE SAYS: I'm glad things have improved. Overcoming alcohol addiction isn't easy, but it sounds like he is on the right path. WE SPLIT UP MONTHS AGO BUT HE WON'T MOVE OUT DEAR DEIDRE: ALMOST a year after we broke up, my ex and I are still living together. He won't move out or get back together, or even discuss the future. It's left me in limbo. We're in our mid-thirties and have a young son together. I always thought we'd get married one day. However, things grew tough after our son was born. We drifted apart, no longer had sex and bickered a lot over money. I resented doing all the housework and most of the childcare. Ten months ago, even though I love him, I told him that I thought we should split up because neither of us was happy, and he agreed. However, since then nothing has changed. He's sleeping in the spare room, but he hasn't moved out, and I still do all the washing, cooking and cleaning. I worry it's confusing for our son. I've asked him if he wants to get back together and try again, but he says he's not sure yet. It feels like he's taking advantage of having a nice home without having to make any effort with me. Should I wait for him to make up his mind, or should I find a way to get him to leave and move on with my life? DEIDRE SAYS: Your ex seems to be using the fact that you still have feelings for him and would be happy to get back together. He believes he can bide his time until he decides what he wants. But by not making a decision, I think he's given you an answer: Nothing has changed. If he really wanted you back, he'd make a big effort. It's time for you to be decisive. Perhaps you need to give him an ultimatum, for your son's sake, and stick to it. Couples counselling could be helpful, either to resolve things or to split. See my support pack, How Counselling Can Help, for more information. TEENAGE TROUBLES DEAR DEIDRE: IT was annoying when my bisexual friend kept holding my hand and telling me we'd make a cute couple but I didn't say anything as I didn't want to hurt her feelings. However, now another friend has told me she's been going round telling people I'm in love with her. I don't know what to do. We're 17-year-old girls and at sixth form college. I was supportive of my friend when she came out as bi but I'm straight and not interested. And I don't like having lies spread about me. DEIDRE SAYS: You need to confront your friend about what she said. Be kind but firm. Tell her it's making you feel uncomfortable and ask her to stop. Make it clear that you value her friendship but aren't interested in anything more. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you have this conversation without making her too defensive.
