How do I tell my husband that I'm pregnant with someone else's child after we tried swinging to save our marriage?
DEAR DEIDRE How do I tell my husband that I'm pregnant with someone else's child after we tried swinging to save our marriage?
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DEAR DEIDRE: SWINGING was supposed to save our marriage, but now I'm carrying someone else's child.
I'm 37, my husband is 40 and we've been married for nine years.
While we love each other deeply, over the last two years our intimacy had all but disappeared.
He was stressed with work, I felt invisible, and we started sleeping in separate rooms.
After a lot of late-night conversations — we agreed to try swinging, in the hope it would reignite our connection.
We found a couple online, chatted for weeks, then finally met. It was thrilling.
For the first time in years, I felt alive and desired. But while I loved the experience, my husband reacted badly afterwards.
He became withdrawn and moody and even accused me of enjoying it too much.
We nearly split up, but after a lot of tears and arguments, we agreed to move forward. Slowly, things began to settle.
But now I've found out that I'm pregnant, and my husband had the snip three years ago. I'm scared and ashamed.
I never wanted to hurt him, and this will reopen every wound we've just started to heal.
I don't even know how to tell him. He agreed to the swinging too, but I still feel like I'm the one who crossed a line. What if this ends our marriage for good? I know I need to be honest, but I don't know how to do it without breaking him, or us, completely.
Dear Deidre: Understanding why your man's gone off sex
DEIDRE SAYS: This is an incredibly painful situation, and it's understandable that you're struggling.
You both stepped into this with the hope of saving your relationship, and while you may have agreed to swinging, no one can predict how they will feel afterwards.
Your husband's regret is valid, but so is your experience – you didn't betray him; you made an agreement. Please be aware of the narrative shifting to blaming you, as this would not be a fair reflection of events.
Now, this pregnancy adds another emotional layer, and it's understandable that you feel worried and afraid.
But keeping this a secret will only cause more damage. Your husband deserves honesty, and you deserve support.
Find a quiet moment to speak to him. Whatever you decide, you'll need space to work through this together.
Couples counselling will be invaluable. Contact Relate (relate.org.uk, 0300 003 2972) for this. And read my support pack, Unplanned Pregnancy? which explains your options.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
HUBBY'S LOST HIS SPARK, AND NOW IT'S AFFECTING ME
DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband used to be the life and soul of any room – now it feels like he's lost all joy and hope for the future.
I'm 41, and he's 45. We've been married for 12 years and have three kids.
He's always been a bit self-critical, but over the past year it's turned into constant negativity.
He moans about his job, his body, his friends, and even the weather. Nothing makes him happy any more.
We'll plan a day out, and within minutes he's complaining about the traffic, the crowds, or how tired he is. He shoots down any idea I suggest, so lately I've stopped trying.
He has withdrawn from social events, and when we do go, he's grumpy and unsociable. I miss the man I married, the one who made me laugh and saw the best in things.
I know he's struggling, but I'm starting to feel emotionally worn down.
DEIDRE SAYS: Being with someone who is constantly low and dismissive can be incredibly draining, and you're right to acknowledge your own limits.
Your husband may be dealing with depression or low self-worth, even if he doesn't see it that way.
Try to gently encourage him to talk, without pushing too hard. Remind him that seeking help isn't a weakness.
Suggest he speaks to his GP or contacts a service like mind.org.uk (0208 215 2243). My support pack, Help For Your Depression, offers guidance.
WILL MY WORK PAL THINK I'M A CREEP?
DEAR DEIDRE: HOW do I ask my colleague out for a friendly lunch without it coming across the wrong way?
I'm 49 and happily married, and she's about to turn 40.
We've worked together for a few years and get on really well. She's clever, warm and always has time for others, even when under pressure.
She's someone who lifts the mood at work, and I enjoy her company.
We've had the odd quick coffee in the office canteen, but I'd like to treat her to something nicer for her birthday, as a kind gesture.
The problem is, I'm scared she'll think I'm flirting or that it will become office gossip. I respect her too much to make things uncomfortable.
My wife knows I admire her and isn't worried, but I can't help second-guessing myself.
The last thing I want is to make things awkward or for her to get the wrong idea.
How do I ask without making it weird or overstepping boundaries?
DEIDRE SAYS: It's thoughtful of you to want to celebrate your colleague's birthday, and your intentions sound kind and respectful.
But given you're married, it's understandable you would worry about how it might be perceived.
Keep the tone light and clear. Perhaps mention you're aware it's a big birthday and thought she might like a lunch break away from the office.
You could even suggest a small group outing to avoid any awkwardness. If it's genuinely platonic, trust that your actions will reflect that.
I DREAD RETURN OF WIFE'S CHILD
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my step-daughter lived with us previously, she brought chaos. But now my wife wants her to move back in with us.
Living with her again would push me over the edge, and I know our marriage would suffer too.
I'm 58, my wife is 55, and we've been married for 11 years. We've had our ups and downs, but we've always managed to get through them – until now.
Her 27-year-old daughter from her first marriage is in trouble again. She's lost her job, is being evicted, and has nowhere else to go.
My wife wants her to move back in, but I've told her flat-out, if she does, I'm leaving.
She lived with us for eight months a few years ago, disrespected us both, and left without so much as a thank you. She never visits or calls, unless she wants something.
She's entitled and rude and treats my wife like a doormat. I've had enough. I don't want to share my home with someone who brings nothing but stress.
My wife is in bits, saying I'm forcing her to choose between me and her daughter. I love her, but I can't go through this again. Am I being heartless?
DEIDRE SAYS: You're not being heartless, you're setting a boundary to protect your wellbeing – and that's valid.
Your concerns are justified, especially as this has been a problem. But your wife sees her daughter in crisis, so emotions are running high.
Rather than give an ultimatum, try to discuss what support might actually looks like. Could temporary help be offered without her moving in?
Couples counselling could help you both express yourselves in a safe space. Contact tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960), which offers professional support.
My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, will help you voice concerns calmly but firmly.
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