Latest news with #DearDeidreOfficial
Scottish Sun
10 hours ago
- General
- Scottish Sun
Innocent school run turned into intense affair with my child's teacher – and I don't know how to escape it
Click to share on X/Twitter (Opens in new window) Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) DEAR DEIDRE: AN innocent school run turned into the most intense affair of my life, and now I don't know how to escape it. I never imagined I'd fall for my child's teacher, but here I am, living a double life. I'm 38 and married with three children. My husband is 42 and we've been together for 15 years. Things between us have been strained for a long time. We barely talk, let alone touch and I felt like I was fading into the background of my own life. Then I met my youngest child's new teacher. He's 41, married with two kids of his own. It started with friendly chats at pick-up time, then emails about homework. One day he asked if I wanted to grab a coffee. I knew it was crossing a line, but I said yes. We began meeting in secret. Coffee turned into lunch, and eventually lunch turned into hotel rooms. We've been seeing each other for nearly five months now. It's passionate and thrilling, and I've fallen head over heels. He says he's never felt this way before, and I believe him. We've talked about a future together, but when it comes to leaving our families, neither of us has made a move. I can't stop thinking about the fallout — our kids, our spouses, the school. But I also can't keep living a lie. I dread going home to a man who doesn't see me any more. Do I end it and protect my family, or risk everything for a shot at real happiness? DEIDRE SAYS: Understandably, you are torn. It sounds like you've been emotionally neglected for a long time. Clearly, the attention from this man has reawakened something you'd lost. But acting on that pain hasn't given you clarity, only more confusion. Before making any life-changing decisions, pause and reflect. Is it truly him you want, or the sense of being desired, seen and alive again? If your marriage is deeply unfulfilling, that deserves attention in its own right, not as a comparison to someone else. Think carefully about the long-term fallout, not just for you but for your children and his. Even if this affair feels like love, it's unfolding in secrecy. My support pack, Torn Between Two Men, will help you think through your next steps. You may also find it useful to contact (020 7380 1960) for confidential support and expert help. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. I SPURN DAYS OUT BECAUSE MY WEIGHT IS SO SHAMEFUL DEAR DEIDRE: FOR as long as I can remember, I have battled with my weight and now I'm terrified it might cost me everything. I'm 39 and a single mum of three. My weight has yo-yoed since my teens. I have tried every diet, joined countless gyms and even considered surgery. When I start off, I have the best intentions, then something derails me – stress at work, looking after the kids, sheer exhaustion. Lately, I've been getting out of breath just walking upstairs. I avoid days out with the family because I feel embarrassed. The other day my youngest came home from school and said another child had called me 'the big mum'. I laughed it off, but inside I wanted to cry. I feel overwhelmed yet I need to change. How do I break this cycle for good? DEIDRE SAYS: You're not alone. So many people struggle with their weight, and it's clear you've been trying hard for a long time. It's not just about willpower – emotional factors, stress and daily pressures all play a role. Please don't let shame stop you from getting the support you deserve. Making small, manageable changes over time is more sustainable than drastic diets. Speak to your GP, who might refer you to a nutritionist or a weight-management programme. My support pack, Weight Worries, offers practical advice and guidance to help you take back control. I'M LOSING HER TO INSTAGRAM DEAR DEIDRE: NO matter where we are or what we're doing, my wife is constantly glued to her phone, and it's starting to ruin our marriage. I feel like I'm competing with Instagram for her attention – and losing. I'm 43, and she's 40. We've been married for 13 years and have two children aged ten and seven. She used to be warm, funny and really present. Now I barely recognise her. From the moment she wakes up, her phone is in her hand. She scrolls while brushing her teeth, while the kids eat breakfast, and during family outings – and is taking endless pictures, editing and uploading. Mealtimes are silent unless she's showing us memes or checking comments. In bed, she turns away from me to look at her screen. We haven't been intimate in nearly six months. I try to talk to her about it, but she laughs it off and says I'm overreacting. The kids have started copying her and are now glued to screens too. It breaks my heart. I feel like our real life is slipping away while she chases online validation. I wonder whether there's still space for me in this marriage or if I've already been replaced by likes and followers. DEIDRE SAYS: Her behaviour is driving a wedge between you and it sounds like your wife's digital life is drowning out your real one. Constant phone use can become a habit, often without the person realising the damage it's doing. Choose a calm moment to explain how her behaviour is affecting you and the kids. Avoid blame, and focus on how disconnected you're feeling. Suggest setting tech-free times, like at meals or in bed, to help you reconnect. Read my Relationship MOT support pack and consider couples counselling through (0300 003 2972) if things don' look like improving. NOW I'M TRANS I HAVE NO FRIENDS DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER spending years transitioning to become the man I was meant to be, I never imagined I'd feel so alone. I'm a 27-year-old trans man, and I've never been in a relationship. Transitioning helped me feel more at home in my body, but socially, it's been isolating. My friends drifted away, and making new ones feels impossible. I go to work, come home, scroll on my phone and repeat. Weekends are the worst – long, empty hours where no one checks in. Dating feels like a cruel joke. I've tried apps, but the moment I mention I'm trans, I'm ghosted. Or fetishised. I want more than sex. I want someone to laugh with, to cuddle up on the sofa with, and to share life with. I don't know how to meet people who'll see me for who I really am. I feel so alone. DEIDRE SAYS: You've shown real courage in becoming your authentic self. Try not to let loneliness make you doubt your worth. It's heartbreaking that others have made you feel invisible, but please know you are not alone. Many trans people face similar struggles, especially around dating and friendships. Start by seeking out inclusive spaces – LGBTQ+ social groups, meet-ups or online communities such as The Beaumont Society ( My support pack Feeling Lonely? can also help you rebuild confidence and expand your circle.
Scottish Sun
2 days ago
- General
- Scottish Sun
I'm being punished by my children for my husband's sneaky affair with another man – our daughter said I'm pathetic
DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband lied to me for years, conducting a sneaky affair right under my nose. When I revealed that I'd seen concrete evidence (sexual and emotional messages) he left. There was no apology, no explanation and I was left to pick up the pieces, while trying to protect our three children. I've done everything humanly possible to prioritise my family but now that I've met someone new, someone I've really fallen for, I'm being punished and even blamed for the breakdown of our family. Recently, I mentioned that I'd asked my new partner, who I've been with for four months, to stay over. My daughter's reaction completely blindsided me. She told me our relationship was revolting, and I was a pathetic mother. She says her father left because of me. The fact is after 22 years of marriage he left to live with his boyfriend. How can any woman compete with that?! I'm 47 with two sons aged 16 and 18. My daughter is 22. My sons freaked out when my ex told them he was gay and, although my daughter was upset, she stayed in touch with him. I've been friendly with a colleague for years but earlier this year, after leaving his wife, he asked me on a date. We became closer and now we're unbelievably happy, but my sons don't approve. My daughter was worse. She called me all sorts of names. I've promised them I'll support them no matter what, but there's no way they can tell me what to do in my own home. Spotting the signs your partner is cheating DEIDRE SAYS: Your children have had to adapt to a lot in recent years, first their dad leaves, then they discover he's gay. Lashing out at you feels easier and safer than their dad because you are still living with them and, as a mum, you are less likely to reject them. They now have to contend with your new relationship. This is a lot of upheaval and change for your children to process. Talk to them all together and tell them you understand how difficult the last two years have been. Make sure you acknowledge their feelings but don't apologise for your new relationship. To stay close to them, make an extra effort to spend time with them, doing things they enjoy. In time they will come to see that your new partner isn't a threat to their relationship with you. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. STAMMER IS GETTING IN THE WAY OF FINDING LOVE DEAR DEIDRE: MY stammer makes it hard to socialise after my relationship with my long-term girlfriend ended three years ago. I have lost all of my confidence, and my speech doesn't help. I don't think I will ever find anyone else who wants to be with me because of the stilted way I talk. I am a 33-year-old male. I wasn't born with it. It came on in my teens when I was shy and it never disappeared. I have a decent job and my own house. Financially I have a good future ahead of me. I had a great group of mates, but they are all married and have kids now. People always say I am good-looking which is all very well, but I know the way I speak puts girls right off. Would a girl really be OK with marrying somebody like me who struggles to get their words out? DEIDRE SAYS: Of course. If your stammer came on during your teens it suggests it's a confidence issue. You can work on boosting your self-confidence and these days there is so much more understanding of treating people with a stammer. You can find support and details of therapy and courses through the British Stammering Association ( 0808 802 0002). If you try online dating, be honest with any girl about your stammer from the start – I think you will find most will be understanding. Give your mates a call too, married men need to get out sometimes. ROMANCE DEAD NOW HE'S CARER DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend consistently puts his grandmother before me. She has recently had a heart attack and was in hospital for a fortnight, but is now living with my boyfriend's mum since being discharged. My boyfriend's mum looks after her during the day and my boyfriend and his sister take turns to be with her overnight. My boyfriend only sleeps a couple of nights a week at his own house. I am 32 and my boyfriend is 34. We have been together for a year. At first I had no choice but to accept this situation, because I wanted us to live together and develop our relationship. But I had no idea that it was going to put such a strain on me and our relationship. We are hardly seeing one another, and I spend most of my evenings at home alone. My boyfriend has talked to his mum, and she agrees that it is difficult for everyone – but never comes up with a solution or does anything about it. I am wondering whether to give my boyfriend an ultimatum, put up with it and hope things change or end the relationship – something I don't want to do. Is being his priority too much to ask? DEIDRE SAYS: Your boyfriend's family clearly love his grandmother very much and want to ensure she makes a full recovery in their care. But if it is becoming too great a strain on the family in the long term, they can seek advice through Carers UK ( 0808 808 7777). Rather than issue an ultimatum, which is meaningless unless you are prepared to follow through, give your boyfriend your support rather than resent him. He will feel closer to you, and it shows that you care. Why not arrange to go with him now and again. It may help to witness how vital his help is. TALKING DIRTY TO ME IS NOT ENOUGH DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN she's tipsy my girlfriend talks a good talk, instructing me to get her excited and horny, but then we get home and absolutely nothing happens. She has no sex drive whatsoever. She hardly ever wants me to touch her or go near her, let alone actually have sex. It has been like this for ages. I am 22 and my girlfriend is 21. We have been together for almost a year. We have a great relationship apart from when it comes to sex. When I try to talk to her about it she says she goes through times like this and it can last for months at a time. She says she wants to please me and occasionally we will have fantastic, passionate sex, but over the last month or two it has been disastrous. I am trying to be patient with her, but I am becoming frustrated. My mates are having loads of sex with their girlfriends and I'd love to be doing the same. I don't know what to do. DEIDRE SAYS: You love her so try to get to the bottom of this. There is clearly an issue so tell her you want to help. It may be a hormonal issue if she knows that this pattern can sometimes last for months. Suggest she talks it over with the FPA Helpline ( 0300 123 7123) if she is taking hormonal contraception. My support pack, If She Doesn't Want Sex, has more helpful advice.
Scottish Sun
3 days ago
- General
- Scottish Sun
Girlfriend dumped me after finding pictures on my phone I took during wild threesome – but I want her back
Click to share on X/Twitter (Opens in new window) Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) DEAR DEIDRE: STUPIDLY, I saved multiple screenshots and videos on my phone of naked girls and now I've been dumped yet again. I know I've got an issue. I've been viewing pornography since I was around 11 years old, when an older cousin showed me adult websites. I'm now 29 and I'd love a proper girlfriend, but I've only managed two decent relationships. The last one failed when my girlfriend found a secret file on my laptop. My latest girlfriend is 26 and we've had six months of bliss together. We met in a nightclub and all I could think about was having sex with her, but she kept me waiting for a long time. I knew she was good for me in that way. When we finally did it, I told her I loved her. I then did something stupid. I went to a club for a mate's birthday and I met a couple of girls. We went to a hotel and had a threesome. They let me take pictures of our wild night and I kept the images on my phone in case I was bored. Then my girlfriend began to get suspicious because I was guarding my phone. When she demanded to see it, I was hopeful I'd get away with it as there weren't any incriminating messages anywhere, and I hoped she wouldn't find my file. But she's pretty savvy with tech so immediately went to my secret file and found everything, complete with dates. Spotting the signs your partner is cheating She's the only girl I've felt so strongly about. I want her back. She went to a friend's house for a week and now says we are over for good. What can I do? DEIDRE SAYS: Compulsive behaviour and addictions can often have roots in childhood experience. If you started viewing pornography at 11, you may not have had boundaries or parents checking up on you. Now you are in over your head, which is spoiling your relationships. Make a pact with yourself that you'll get the help you need. You can find access to a free introductory course on pornography addiction through Pivotal ( If your girlfriend can see you're making strides to change, she may take you back but don't hold your breath. Work on yourself and your addiction first and, when you feel strong enough to avoid and resist acting up, then you will be in a much better place to build a long and lasting relationship. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. SICK AND TIRED OF MY MAN'S SNORING DEAR DEIDRE: ANGER is spoiling my relationship because I can never get a good night's sleep. My boyfriend snores like a freight train. I've got a stressful job in advertising. I often have early starts with clients and I need my eight hours a night. I'm lucky if I get five. I'm a woman of 33 and my boyfriend is 31. We have a great relationship in every other way but I'm so fed up with the piggy sounds that come from him at night – I'm seriously considering renting my own flat. I either lie awake and get cross, or I sleep on the sofa. My boyfriend feels terrible in the morning if I'm not beside him. He knows he's the problem. Perhaps I should get some sleeping tablets prescribed by my doctor. DEIDRE SAYS: It's your boyfriend who has the problem – not you. Sleeping pills are not the answer. There can be health risks attached to snoring, like sleep apnoea – taking a few seconds of subconsciously not breathing, which can be damaging. Tell him you're worried about him and suggest a check-up with his doctor. He can also find advice through the Sleep Apnoea Trust ( Drinking less alcohol can help if that is a factor and sometimes, it's as simple as losing a few pounds. My support pack called Stop Snoring explains more. NERVES MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO HAVE SEX DEAR DEIDRE: IF I know that sex is on the cards, I get so nervous that we cannot physically do it. My boyfriend's 23, I'm a woman aged 21. We've been going out for two years. We are together most of the time, either sleeping at his parents' home or mine, but it's not being in the family house that puts me off sex, it's the physical act of doing it. He's kind, caring and patient and after another failed attempt he says, 'Don't worry. We'll try again at the weekend'. I've tried lots of things to relax – warm baths, a glass of wine, even scented candles and low lighting when his parents have been on holiday, but nothing helps. It's all in my head but I know that if I can't find a way of lessening the anxiety, my boyfriend will not hang around forever. I'm not being fair to him. Can you help? DEIDRE SAYS: Do you know why you feel so tense? Was there an early sexual experience that was upsetting for you, or perhaps a friend or family member warned you that it would hurt? Sex may be a little uncomfortable the first time, but it is supposed to be fun. The vagina can increase enough to give birth to a baby so physically, most people are capable, but if you have some mental block to relaxing, your body and vagina will simply say 'no'. My support packs called Exciting Foreplay and First Time Fears will give you tips on how best to relax. NERVES MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO HAVE SEX DEAR DEIDRE: WOULD putting a needle through our condoms enable me to have the baby I'm longing for? I'm not a woman who feels her biological clock is ticking – I'm a man. I'm actually a gay man but I've suppressed my feelings for all of my life. I'm in a relationship with my girlfriend who is clueless about the real me. I care for her but she doesn't excite me like a man would. I can't stop these feelings of wanting to be a dad, though. It's my dream. I have even considered that we have a 'contraception failure' and I'd encourage her to go ahead with the pregnancy, but then I feel horrible for even thinking about it. This whole situation is overwhelming. I'm not happy in my relationship because I know I'm not being authentic. My girlfriend is 28 and lovely. She talks about 'putting a ring on it' and what sort of a wedding she'd like, but there's no way I am going to pop the question any time soon. I'm a fraud and I'm living a life of lies. I wish I was a straight guy and could be happy. The people at work have started to notice I'm down. I don't know how much longer I can put up with living like this. If I come out, I might never have the chance to be a father. DEIDRE SAYS: Your focus on being a parent is keeping you tied to your girlfriend. It isn't fair. Gay men become fathers through adoption, fostering and surrogacy, your sexuality needn't stop you. It's not easy to come out, especially if your family hold old-fashioned views, but start by getting some help with your confidence through LGBT ( 0345 3 30 30 30), a charity that offers help for those in the LGBTQ community. My support pack Ending A Relationship will help you to bring things to a close with your girlfriend in the kindest way possible.
Scottish Sun
5 days ago
- Entertainment
- Scottish Sun
I'm a good-looking woman but my husband's lack of interest in sex makes me want to stray
DEAR DEIDRE: DIRTY dancing, heavy snogging, outrageous flirting – I've done everything except actually cheat on my husband. He's the love of my life, but I'm struggling not to stray. When I go out with friends, they're always pointing out men staring at me. I can get drinks bought for us all evening. By the time I get home, I'm on a high, feeling gorgeous . . . then my husband just grunts at me. Last weekend, I ended up in a late bar and started dancing very raunchily with a younger man. It took all my control to turn him down for a nightcap. I'm a good-looking woman and take care of my appearance, but lately my husband doesn't even seem to notice. He'd rather watch football on TV than look at me. I'm 46, he's 50. We've been married for 25 years and have a grown-up daughter. People often mistake me for her older sister because I've spent so much time maintaining my looks. I wear matching lingerie, our bedsheets are satin and I'm the same size as the day I met my hubby. Yet there's no action. But when we were first dating, he couldn't keep his hands off me and would often take me out for 'country drives' that ended up with us having fun in a lay-by. In confident moments, I assume he's stressed with work — he runs his own business — or tired. But he'll happily stay up late watching the telly. Dear Deidre: Understanding why your man's gone off sex I can walk past him naked and he won't take his eyes off the screen. In my less-confident moments, I wonder if he's fallen out of love with me. I've tried talking to him, but he just laughs it off. A fling might be the wake-up call he needs to appreciate me DEIDRE SAYS: An affair could easily call time on your marriage. The problem isn't your desirability – your husband married you because he found you attractive. The issue is something's changed for him and he hasn't told you what. Encourage him to open up. Have a chat outside the bedroom and tell him how much you miss feeling connected and intimate. Ask him to share anything that's worrying him. A common reason men avoid sex is they're concerned they can't 'perform'. Lifestyle issues such as stress, depression, alcohol and smoking can affect their ability to get an erection. If that's the case, urge him to go to his GP. There are medications that can help, and erectile dysfunction can be a symptom of serious health problems, so he'll need a check-up. Please also read my support pack, Reviving A Man's Sex Drive. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. MY DISTANT TWIN PLANS TO CASH IN DEAR DEIDRE: FOR more than a decade, my twin brother completely cut himself off from our mum, saying she was a controlling narcissist. Now she's died and he wants a share of the inheritance. I'm the sole executor and beneficiary of Mum's will. Her estate is valued at around £250k, which is obviously going to be a life-changing sum for me. Her inheritance would have been shared equally between my brother and I, but he fell out with Mum 12 years ago and hadn't seen her since. At the time, she warned him that she'd cut him off. He said that was fine by him and she did, and updated her will to leave everything to me. Dad died many years ago, so I've looked after Mum by myself. I lived with her and supported her for five tough years while she was suffering with the cancer that finally claimed her life. After she died, I sorted out the funeral, the paperwork and cleared her house alone. Now my brother is asking me for money. He says his son could use it for a deposit on a flat. I'm reluctant to say yes because neither of them bothered with Mum when she was ill, and they wouldn't be in touch if it wasn't for the cash. Should I follow Mum's wishes and keep the money? Or should I let my brother have a fair share? DEIDRE SAYS: Dealing with grief alone is hard enough without family fall outs. I'd like you to read my support pack, Bereavement, to help you process all the emotions we go through when someone dies. This is a very difficult position to be in. It sounds like your brother understood the risk of estranging himself, and he had 12 years to change his mind. If you decide not to give any inheritance to your brother, he could contest your decision in court. But if your Mum's will was professionally drafted and legally sound, it's unlikely his claim would be successful. It's important to note that if your brother did want to challenge the will, then under the Inheritance Act 1975, he has just six months to do it from the date probate is granted. You're allowed to give your brother a share of your inheritance. If you decide to uphold your Mum's wishes, you could give him something else instead, like jewellery, or personal belongings. SON'S SELF-ESTEEM AT LOWEST DEAR DEIDRE: MY son survived a terrible motorbike accident – but he lost his right leg and now his self-esteem is rock bottom. It was his first motorbike. He's only 21. He was riding home late one evening on a twisty country road when a deer ran out in front of him. He swerved to avoid it – and woke up in hospital two weeks later. His bike had hit a tree and his right leg had to be amputated. He is back at home now, but I hate seeing him so low and insecure. How can I help him get his life back? DEIDRE SAYS: Sadly, victims of traumatic injuries often lose their self-confidence. But the good news is, this is usually only temporary. With the right help and support, they naturally regain their self-esteem and build a new, positive future for themselves. Contact the charity Day One Trauma Support ( 0333 034 2107), which is committed to helping people rebuild their lives following catastrophic injury. It also offers support to family and friends. SEX-HELP CLINIC DEAR DEIDRE: FOR my boyfriend to climax he has to be in control, and it's starting to mess with my confidence. I've always had a high sex drive, so I was delighted when I met a man who is just as lusty as me. We had sex on our first date and basically haven't stopped since. We've been a couple for six months and I'm really happy – except I can't seem to get him to orgasm. If he's on top, he'll climax naturally. When I'm on top, or using my hands, he can't finish. He just gets quite frustrated and switches positions so he's the one in the driving seat, or uses his own hand instead. Then he'll orgasm. I noticed he uses his hand quite roughly. I thought at first I might be being too gentle but even when I tried using more pressure or a faster rhythm, I still couldn't get him there. What's really messing with my confidence is that I can't even bring him to orgasm with my mouth. I love oral sex and feel I've perfected my technique, but even that doesn't work on him. I'm starting to feel a bit inadequate. I've chatted to him about it all, and he says he's always been this way. Are we incompatible, or am I a bad lover? DEIDRE SAYS: A bad lover would never write to me asking for advice. You are actually a sensitive, attentive lover who is worried that her skills are not satisfying her partner. What might have happened is that he has masturbated a lot – possibly using pornography – and become used to the feeling of his own hand. Most men masturbate with a grip that is far stronger than their partner would use. Possibly, he has become so attuned to his own technique that he struggles to orgasm in any other way. An effective way to improve this situation would be to pause sex and masturbation. Put penetration on hold for two weeks, and let his excitement build up again naturally. Read my Sex Play Therapy support pack, as it contains exercises developed by sex therapists to help couples reconnect without sex.
Scottish Sun
24-07-2025
- General
- Scottish Sun
How do I tell my husband that I'm pregnant with someone else's child after we tried swinging to save our marriage?
He agreed to the swinging too, but I still feel like I'm the one who crossed a line DEAR DEIDRE How do I tell my husband that I'm pregnant with someone else's child after we tried swinging to save our marriage? Click to share on X/Twitter (Opens in new window) Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) DEAR DEIDRE: SWINGING was supposed to save our marriage, but now I'm carrying someone else's child. I'm 37, my husband is 40 and we've been married for nine years. While we love each other deeply, over the last two years our intimacy had all but disappeared. He was stressed with work, I felt invisible, and we started sleeping in separate rooms. After a lot of late-night conversations — we agreed to try swinging, in the hope it would reignite our connection. We found a couple online, chatted for weeks, then finally met. It was thrilling. For the first time in years, I felt alive and desired. But while I loved the experience, my husband reacted badly afterwards. He became withdrawn and moody and even accused me of enjoying it too much. We nearly split up, but after a lot of tears and arguments, we agreed to move forward. Slowly, things began to settle. But now I've found out that I'm pregnant, and my husband had the snip three years ago. I'm scared and ashamed. I never wanted to hurt him, and this will reopen every wound we've just started to heal. I don't even know how to tell him. He agreed to the swinging too, but I still feel like I'm the one who crossed a line. What if this ends our marriage for good? I know I need to be honest, but I don't know how to do it without breaking him, or us, completely. Dear Deidre: Understanding why your man's gone off sex DEIDRE SAYS: This is an incredibly painful situation, and it's understandable that you're struggling. You both stepped into this with the hope of saving your relationship, and while you may have agreed to swinging, no one can predict how they will feel afterwards. Your husband's regret is valid, but so is your experience – you didn't betray him; you made an agreement. Please be aware of the narrative shifting to blaming you, as this would not be a fair reflection of events. Now, this pregnancy adds another emotional layer, and it's understandable that you feel worried and afraid. But keeping this a secret will only cause more damage. Your husband deserves honesty, and you deserve support. Find a quiet moment to speak to him. Whatever you decide, you'll need space to work through this together. Couples counselling will be invaluable. Contact Relate ( 0300 003 2972) for this. And read my support pack, Unplanned Pregnancy? which explains your options. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. HUBBY'S LOST HIS SPARK, AND NOW IT'S AFFECTING ME DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband used to be the life and soul of any room – now it feels like he's lost all joy and hope for the future. I'm 41, and he's 45. We've been married for 12 years and have three kids. He's always been a bit self-critical, but over the past year it's turned into constant negativity. He moans about his job, his body, his friends, and even the weather. Nothing makes him happy any more. We'll plan a day out, and within minutes he's complaining about the traffic, the crowds, or how tired he is. He shoots down any idea I suggest, so lately I've stopped trying. He has withdrawn from social events, and when we do go, he's grumpy and unsociable. I miss the man I married, the one who made me laugh and saw the best in things. I know he's struggling, but I'm starting to feel emotionally worn down. DEIDRE SAYS: Being with someone who is constantly low and dismissive can be incredibly draining, and you're right to acknowledge your own limits. Your husband may be dealing with depression or low self-worth, even if he doesn't see it that way. Try to gently encourage him to talk, without pushing too hard. Remind him that seeking help isn't a weakness. Suggest he speaks to his GP or contacts a service like (0208 215 2243). My support pack, Help For Your Depression, offers guidance. WILL MY WORK PAL THINK I'M A CREEP? DEAR DEIDRE: HOW do I ask my colleague out for a friendly lunch without it coming across the wrong way? I'm 49 and happily married, and she's about to turn 40. We've worked together for a few years and get on really well. She's clever, warm and always has time for others, even when under pressure. She's someone who lifts the mood at work, and I enjoy her company. We've had the odd quick coffee in the office canteen, but I'd like to treat her to something nicer for her birthday, as a kind gesture. The problem is, I'm scared she'll think I'm flirting or that it will become office gossip. I respect her too much to make things uncomfortable. My wife knows I admire her and isn't worried, but I can't help second-guessing myself. The last thing I want is to make things awkward or for her to get the wrong idea. How do I ask without making it weird or overstepping boundaries? DEIDRE SAYS: It's thoughtful of you to want to celebrate your colleague's birthday, and your intentions sound kind and respectful. But given you're married, it's understandable you would worry about how it might be perceived. Keep the tone light and clear. Perhaps mention you're aware it's a big birthday and thought she might like a lunch break away from the office. You could even suggest a small group outing to avoid any awkwardness. If it's genuinely platonic, trust that your actions will reflect that. I DREAD RETURN OF WIFE'S CHILD DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my step-daughter lived with us previously, she brought chaos. But now my wife wants her to move back in with us. Living with her again would push me over the edge, and I know our marriage would suffer too. I'm 58, my wife is 55, and we've been married for 11 years. We've had our ups and downs, but we've always managed to get through them – until now. Her 27-year-old daughter from her first marriage is in trouble again. She's lost her job, is being evicted, and has nowhere else to go. My wife wants her to move back in, but I've told her flat-out, if she does, I'm leaving. She lived with us for eight months a few years ago, disrespected us both, and left without so much as a thank you. She never visits or calls, unless she wants something. She's entitled and rude and treats my wife like a doormat. I've had enough. I don't want to share my home with someone who brings nothing but stress. My wife is in bits, saying I'm forcing her to choose between me and her daughter. I love her, but I can't go through this again. Am I being heartless? DEIDRE SAYS: You're not being heartless, you're setting a boundary to protect your wellbeing – and that's valid. Your concerns are justified, especially as this has been a problem. But your wife sees her daughter in crisis, so emotions are running high. Rather than give an ultimatum, try to discuss what support might actually looks like. Could temporary help be offered without her moving in? Couples counselling could help you both express yourselves in a safe space. Contact (020 7380 1960), which offers professional support. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, will help you voice concerns calmly but firmly.
