Excuse me, what platform for the Bangladesh express?
He was scheduled to fly from Heathrow to Dhaka on January 3, 1979. But that New Year Glasgow Airport was closed due to heavy snow.
On January 2 he phoned British Rail to check trains were running.
He was informed that there was an overnight to London. So he asked when the next train left from his home in Saltcoats to Glasgow Central.
Answer: "Ten minutes."
Bert and wife jumped in the car and sped to the station, just in time to see the train arrive.
Our hero grabbed his bags while his wife ran on the platform, yelling at the guard: "Don't let the train leave. My husband's going to Bangladesh!"
Back came the inevitable reply: "No on this train, hen. Glasgow Central's as faur as this train's going."
Just as Bert boarded, the guard announced: "This is the 18:46 train to Glasgow Central, calling at Kilwinning, Johnstone High, Paisley Gilmour Street, and terminating at Glasgow Central. Change at Glasgow Central for all stations to Bangladesh."
Mind your language
We're discussing how autocorrect is often auto-incorrect.
Andrew Foster from Cambridge, Ontario, says there are even worse technological advances.
'The minutes of a meeting I attended were sent out almost exactly as produced by a voice-to-text program,' says Andrew.
'This process is, I believe, known as 'encraption', ie, the unintended irreversible conversion of good, clear data into impenetrable gobbledegook.'
Cool idea
Scotland was bathed in warm weather… until the monsoon season began this week.
Helen Cameron was in a café with her 10-year-old daughter when a perspiring lady whipped out a Japanese fan and wafted herself with it.
'What's that, mum?' asked Helen's daughter.
'Old style air-conditioning,' said Helen.
Norman Bolton from Newton Mearns spent several years in London and frequently saw this car parked close to Eaton Square, Belgravia. Since then, the registration has been transferred to a Rolls Royce. 'But I suspect,' says Norman, 'the owner's attitude is much the same…' (Image: Contributed)
Wingin' it
On social media someone shares a photo of the life-size aeroplane hanging in Kelvingrove Museum, along with the following message: 'I genuinely think that every public space can only be improved by having a Spitfire suspended from the ceiling.'
Brought to book
The Diary mentioned a schoolchild confused by classic beatnik novel On The Road.
Dan Millar worked in a Glasgow bookshop where a customer requested 'that book by the guy who sounds like a singin' machine. Y'know, hingmy Karaoke.'
Of course he meant Jack Kerouac.
Liquid solution
Boozy Linda Anderson says: 'Tequila might not solve all your problems, but it's worth a shot.'
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