Latest news with #Bert
The Herald Scotland
24-07-2025
- Entertainment
- The Herald Scotland
Like no other: wise words about Ozzy Osbourne
In the anodyne world of modern music it's doubtful that we'll see his likes again, unless Taylor Swift wakes up one morning and decides to forego the corn flakes and semi-skimmed milk and nibbles bat for breakfast. Mr O definitely had his rough edges and notorious moments, but Scots-raised rock critic and LA resident Eve Barlow probably describes him best when she writes: 'Ozzy Osbourne wasn't a performer like any other. He never broke character. Character never broke him.' Wise words about a wild man. Mind your language Time for a weird coincidence. Reader Sandy Butler says: 'If you spell 'absolutely nothing' backwards you get 'gnihton yletulosba', which means absolutely nothing. How suspicious is that?' 'Agatha Christie's potboiler Murder on the Orient Express would have been so much more unusual,' says reader Chris Robertson, 'if the train had turned out to be the killer.' (Image: Contributed) Wipe out A Diary mention of the Sistine Chapel reminds Bert Houliston of visiting Rome and meeting two Dublin women. When Bert revealed he'd previously been to the city they agreed to let him be their guide. After seeing many famous landmarks it was time for the Sistine Chapel. Our correspondent left his new pals in the shade and went to the ticket booth only to be informed that the chapel was closed for the rest of the day. Bert told his pals. When they asked why, our mischievous reader said: "My Italian's not that good, but the guy said something about painting the ceiling.' Bert expected visible outrage regarding this desecration of great art. Instead he got a "that's a shame" from one woman and a "will we have time to get to the Trevi Fountain?" from the other. Michelangelo was surely spinning in his grave. Fighting talk A pal of Alana McDonald was discussing a dispute she was having with her neighbour, leading her to conclude: 'That's the problem when you don't have your own private army. You have to compromise over everything.' Being nosey An English company called Northern Soul is producing a range of unusual scents, including Mam's Washing and Grandad's Allotment. David Donaldson wonders what quirky smells would be most reminiscent of a Scottish childhood. 'Tramcar Sparks?' he suggests, and also 'Chip Shop Newspaper and Clarty Claes.' Animal tragic Puzzler of the day from Simon Roberts… Question: Why don't dinosaurs make good pets? Answer: Because they're dead.
The Herald Scotland
22-07-2025
- Entertainment
- The Herald Scotland
What the campervan driver really, really wants....
The village dates back to medieval times and is known for its winding lanes, ginnels and snecks, rather than boulevards and avenues. Taking his dog for a walk, Bert arrived at the village square where he spotted a campervan. The vehicle had a male driver and a woman in the passenger seat, who appeared to be acting as the navigator. As Bert reached the van, the navigator's window descended and the woman said: "Excuse me, are you local? I wonder if you can help us?" "Certainly," said Bert, "where are you trying to get to?" "Anywhere with wider roads," came the desperate reply. Just the ticket On social media the Climate Correspondent for STV news, Laura Piper, is impressed with the creative folk who run our nation's railway service. She thanks the ScotRail conductor on the Livingston to Edinburgh train, who clearly has an aptitude for art, and personalised Laura's toddler's ticket by sketching on it a fetching picture of a little girl with bow and pigtails. 'She's absolutely delighted,' reports Laura, 'and has insisted on showing it to all our fellow passengers with pride.' Kiss off Eagle-eyed Diary correspondent David Donaldson spots that there is a Coldplay by Candlelight concert at Glasgow Royal Concert Hall on November 28. 'At least it will be too dim for the Kiss Cam to work properly,' says David. Clocking off Curious question of the day comes from Peter Wright of West Kilbride, who says: 'How come we have plenty of time to talk about the things that we don't have enough time to do?' 'There's no rhyme or reason for this sign,' says reader Tony Larner. (Image: Contributed) Chit-chat chore Frustrated reader Mary Hepburn says: 'You know how you can tap a video that's playing on your phone to see how long it has left to run? Well, I wish you could do that with people while they're talking.' Dead funny People can be so cheeky, points out reader Robert McKenzie. Especially at the most inopportune moments. Robert's elderly father, Gordon, was at the funeral of an old friend when another of his pals, standing next to him in the graveyard, whispered: 'So how old are you now, Gordon?' 'Ninety-three,' said Gordon. 'Zat right?' said the pal, adding with a ghoulish grin: 'Now you're here, why bother leaving?' Bedtime story 'My wife and I love to watch our son while he sleeps,' says Doug McGregor. 'Tends to freak out his wife, though.'
The Herald Scotland
17-07-2025
- The Herald Scotland
Excuse me, what platform for the Bangladesh express?
After 18 months in the desert his company rewarded him with a contract in Bangladesh. He was scheduled to fly from Heathrow to Dhaka on January 3, 1979. But that New Year Glasgow Airport was closed due to heavy snow. On January 2 he phoned British Rail to check trains were running. He was informed that there was an overnight to London. So he asked when the next train left from his home in Saltcoats to Glasgow Central. Answer: "Ten minutes." Bert and wife jumped in the car and sped to the station, just in time to see the train arrive. Our hero grabbed his bags while his wife ran on the platform, yelling at the guard: "Don't let the train leave. My husband's going to Bangladesh!" Back came the inevitable reply: "No on this train, hen. Glasgow Central's as faur as this train's going." Just as Bert boarded, the guard announced: "This is the 18:46 train to Glasgow Central, calling at Kilwinning, Johnstone High, Paisley Gilmour Street, and terminating at Glasgow Central. Change at Glasgow Central for all stations to Bangladesh." Mind your language We're discussing how autocorrect is often auto-incorrect. Andrew Foster from Cambridge, Ontario, says there are even worse technological advances. 'The minutes of a meeting I attended were sent out almost exactly as produced by a voice-to-text program,' says Andrew. 'This process is, I believe, known as 'encraption', ie, the unintended irreversible conversion of good, clear data into impenetrable gobbledegook.' Cool idea Scotland was bathed in warm weather… until the monsoon season began this week. Helen Cameron was in a café with her 10-year-old daughter when a perspiring lady whipped out a Japanese fan and wafted herself with it. 'What's that, mum?' asked Helen's daughter. 'Old style air-conditioning,' said Helen. Norman Bolton from Newton Mearns spent several years in London and frequently saw this car parked close to Eaton Square, Belgravia. Since then, the registration has been transferred to a Rolls Royce. 'But I suspect,' says Norman, 'the owner's attitude is much the same…' (Image: Contributed) Wingin' it On social media someone shares a photo of the life-size aeroplane hanging in Kelvingrove Museum, along with the following message: 'I genuinely think that every public space can only be improved by having a Spitfire suspended from the ceiling.' Brought to book The Diary mentioned a schoolchild confused by classic beatnik novel On The Road. Dan Millar worked in a Glasgow bookshop where a customer requested 'that book by the guy who sounds like a singin' machine. Y'know, hingmy Karaoke.' Of course he meant Jack Kerouac. Liquid solution Boozy Linda Anderson says: 'Tequila might not solve all your problems, but it's worth a shot.'
Yahoo
27-06-2025
- Sport
- Yahoo
United sign 'transformative' Dutch defender Esselink
Dundee United have signed Bert Esselink after 25-year-old centre-half left Stal Mielec following their relegation from the Polish top flight. United manager Jim Goodwin expects the Dutchman, who has signed a a two-year contract with a club-held option to extend for a further 12 months, to have a "transformative impact" on his defence. Advertisement "His mobility and bravery allows him to engage with the opposition higher up the pitch and the statistical data reinforces his intelligence when selecting a progressive passing option," Goodwin told United's website. "Bert is also comfortable defending in a deeper block, using his awareness to remain compact and defend the box both on the ground and in the air." Esselink came through De Graafschap's academy in his homeland before making his senior debut for Cypriot club PAEEK, helping the Nicosia-based club secure promotion to the top tier for the first time. His release clause was triggered by APOEL Nicosia, but he moved to Olympiakos Nicosia in search of first-team football. Advertisement Esselink moved to Poland in 2023 and Unied say that during his two seasons with Stal he ranked among "the division's most successful duel combatants, possession winners and forward-pass completionists". However, playing 28 times last season, 22 of them starts, he could not prevent his side dropping to the second tier after finishing 16th of 18 teams in the Ekstraklasa. "Bert's arrival will have a transformative impact on our ability to regain possession in key areas and play on the front foot," Goodwin added.
CBC
27-06-2025
- Climate
- CBC
Brush fire near hospital in Kamloops, B.C., sends smoke billowing through city
The air is thick with smoke in Kamloops, B.C., as a brush fire burns behind the local hospital. Crews are fighting the fire, which is burning on a hill just south of Royal Inland Hospital in the city, about 250 kilometres northeast of Vancouver, near Peterson Creek Park. The city has asked residents to avoid the lower Peterson Creek area while crews are on scene, according to a Facebook post. Royal Inland patient Kaedyn Bert said he saw the fire start from his room on the sixth floor of the hospital. "It was raging for a good few minutes," he said. He said at least one tree became engulfed in flames and "went up like a campfire." "Thankfully, we have really good first responders in Kamloops here," Bert said. The B.C. Wildfire Service says it is dispatching support to Kamloops Fire Rescue.
