Some call it 'marrying up,' others call it 'gold digging.' What is hypergamy?
As the novel virus ravaged the city and paralyzed employment opportunities, the now 29-year-old decided to use her time during lockdown to explore a side hustle as an influencer on TikTok.
She posted videos about job hunting and résumé advice, documenting her own experience as she navigated unemployment. But her followers were interested in only one thing: How was she paying the bills?
Once she revealed her boyfriend (now fiancé) was paying for her New York City apartment, her followers wanted to know more about the dynamics of her relationship. Her job-hunting TikTok account turned into a dating advice page for people seeking a hypergamous relationship.
Sometimes referred to as 'marrying up,' hypergamy is the practice of creating a long-term or romantic relationship with somebody who has a higher status in a certain way or value, said Joy Berkheimer, a dating and relationship coach and sexologist based out of Fort Lauderdale, Florida.
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A hypergamous relationship is not only about economic status, she said. A person may want to 'marry up' for social, spiritual, intellectual or creative reasons, too.
Hypergamy is not a new concept and has historically carried a negative connotation due to terms like 'gold-digging.' But Kalinu said she feels it's gotten a modern, possibly even feminist 'facelift.'
Others view this modernization of hypergamy as a way to sanitize an inherently sexist idea, said Sheila Addison, a family and marriage therapist.
It's "just an effort to put old wine in new bottles because 'marrying up' and being a 'gold digger' or 'arm candy' or 'sugar daddy' or other, older terms make the sexism and classism more apparent," she argued.
Still, as some people share details about their hypergamous relationships online, more people feel comfortable openly pursuing this relationship dynamic and seeking the advice of dating coaches and websites specializing in hypergamy.
One such website, Seeking.com, has recently received scrutiny after it was mentioned in a lawsuit against billionaire and film producer David Geffen amid his public divorce from his estranged husband, David Armstrong, according to The New York Times.
Hypergamy may also be receiving more attention from women as they realize housework and caregiving responsibilities continue to fall on their shoulders despite equally contributing to household finances, Kalinu said.
Egalitarian marriages, where wives and husbands each contribute roughly half of the couple's combined earnings, are on the rise, according to a 2023 report from the Pew Research Center.
However, wives in egalitarian marriages are still spending more than double the amount of time on housework than their husbands and almost two more hours per week on caregiving.
'The reality is that if you're in a relationship with a man who also works and you also work, statistically, you will end up doing more house labor and caretaking,' Kalinu said. 'For me, hypergamy is about taking all that into account… It's like setting yourself up to have a beneficial relationship dynamic.'
Vocalizing the hypergamy also creates more transparency in the relationship, Berkheimer said. The person who is 'marrying up' can take steps to protect themselves from certain financial risks, such as through prenuptial agreements.
'People think it's 'gold digging' in disguise but modern hypergamy is more about reciprocity,' she said. 'It's making agreements out loud between all parties.'
It's important to have these conversations in a hypergamous relationship, Kalinu said. She advises her nearly 300,000 followers on TikTok to financially protect themselves through prenuptial agreements or remote, part-time work.
'They make more money and you are taking a risk,' she said. 'If they end up being a good person, they'll want to discuss these types of things with you and they understand the dynamic of what's happening.'
Adrianna Rodriguez can be reached at adrodriguez@usatoday.com.
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