Stop Helicopter Parenting and Start Panda Parenting, Say Experts

Yahoo

a day ago

FAFO parenting, gentle parenting, lighthouse parenting, attachment parenting—there's no shortage of labels when it comes to different parenting styles and philosophies. One you might not have heard of is panda parenting, where kids' abilities to solve their own problems come front and center. I interviewed the educator, author and mother who coined the term to learn more about this sensible parenting approach. Here's what you need to know.
Esther Wojcicki, often called the 'Godmother of Silicon Valley,' is the best-selling author of How to Raise Successful People, founder of the renowned journalism program at Palo Alto High School, and mother to three incredibly accomplished daughters: former YouTube CEO Susan Wojcicki, epidemiologist and Fulbright scholar Janet Wojcicki, and 23andMe founder Anne Wojcicki.
Esther is known for her parenting TRICK method (Trust, Respect, Independence, Collaboration, and Kindness) which was the basis of her book and widely featured in the media. She now launched the Parenting TRICK app—a new tool designed to give parents real-time, personalized support rooted in her proven method.
According to Wojcicki, panda parenting, an answer to the flawed helicopter parenting style, is an approach that promotes independence, personal responsibility and healthy self-esteem; 'Panda parenting is a way to empower your kids to believe in themselves. Unfortunately, helicopter parenting—though it's done from a place of concern and a desire to help one's child as much as possible to be successful—ends up with the opposite result, where kids feel that they always need help in order to be able to do something.
OK, so panda parenting is about avoiding the pitfalls of helicoptering, but what does that look like in practice? Wojcicki tells me it's pretty simple: step back and encourage your kid to resolve their own issues whenever possible, so long as it doesn't compromise their physical or psychological safety. This parenting philosophy might be mistaken for laziness, but that misconception applies to the wild animal it's named after. Indeed, panda moms have been observed to have a very nurturing nature, which is counterbalanced with a hands-off approach that encourages independence and exploration; they give their young the space they need to grow.
Needless to say, Wojcicki is a huge proponent of panda parenting; after all, she introduced the concept and coined the term in her book How to Raise Successful People: Simple Lessons for Radical Results. She makes a very strong case though, citing the increasing rates of teen substance abuse, which she attributes to the sense of dependency that results from having helicopter parents. She also says that panda parenting revolves around one central (and I think very true) notion: kids don't need to be controlled so much as they need to be understood.
'I came up with a useful acronym for panda parenting, and it's TRICK, which stands for trust, respect, independence, collaboration and kindness,' says Wojcicki, adding that 'respect doesn't mean allowing a kid to do whatever they want; it means respecting their ideas and listening, and having discussions to figure out how to give them as much independence as possible.' And yep, kindness and empathy are the key underpinnings to this approach, because 'your child needs to believe that you are always kind.'
Panda parenting is the goldilocks approach that keeps kids safe, healthy and confident; it doesn't bind them to you, suffocate them or lead to senseless power struggles. Sounds pretty good, right? But if you're wondering what it looks like in practice, I can share an example from my own life. (Full disclosure: I'm a shameless playground helicopter due to my own anxiety about kids getting hurt; but at home I'm 100 percent panda.)
Recently, my tween daughter experienced a big blow-up between two of her close friends and ended up feeling caught in the middle. The two other moms ended up having a very heated text exchange, each trying to fervently defend their child. And in the end, they inadvertently co-opted the narrative. On the other hand, and in my best immitation of a panda mama, I simply told my daughter to hang out with whoever she wants and manage the drama the best way she saw fit. We talked, I gave vague advice and, pretty soon, I stopped hearing about it—primarily because she had found a way to either resolve or live with the existing conflict on her own.
The takeaway? I chose not to get involved where I wasn't truly needed and my daughter learned how to use her own voice, communicate her own feelings and find her own solution to the problem she was experiencing within her friend group. And the expert tells me that is the essence of panda parenting, because 'it's important to let your child take the lead role in communication and conflict resolution.' (Sidebar: My tween also microwaves her own leftovers and makes her own sandwiches. I'm not sure if that counts as panda parenting empowerment, but not having to hop up and meet some need every five minutes sure is nice.)
In most situations panda parenting works, though it's worth noting that this doesn't mean throwing caution and supervision to the wind when it comes to physical safety. 'Make sure they know how to swim before they jump in the pool. You want to make sure that they know how to take care of themselves if they're on a bicycle. In other words, they need to have instruction, especially when it comes to things that we all consider to be somewhat dangerous,' says Wocjicki.
Additionally, I'd be remiss not to mention that panda parenting isn't always the ideal approach for neurodivergent kids. With autism, for example, different levels of intervention and advocacy may be required, but the parent is the best judge of that. Wojcicki advises parents of neurodivergent children to do as much as they can within that panda parenting framework without allowing the child to hurt themselves.
Finally, the expert concedes that panda parenting is not a recommended philosophy to follow when it comes to kids who are in a compromised psychological state. If your child shows signs of a psychiatric condition that might involve delusional thinking, or an increased likelihood of doing harm to self or others, a more hands-on approach is recommended.
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