'It's not you, it's dating': Where is modern love going wrong?

Sky News

14-02-2025

It's more than 10 years since Tinder launched its way into our phones - and our love lives - promising romance at the swipe of a thumb.
Just under five million adults in the UK visited an online dating service (app and websites) last year, according to Ofcom's Online Nation Report.
But analysts are questioning whether the novelty is starting to wear off, as usage of the 10 biggest apps dropped 16% between 2023 and 2024.
Tinder revolutionised romance as the first dating app in 2012 - and it is still the largest one in Match groups portfolio. But even it lost more than half a million users in the last year.
"Dating fatigue" appears to dominate the cultural landscape - some 78% of dating app users say they feel "emotionally, mentally, or physically exhausted" by them, according to a 2024 study by Forbes Health, and a2023 YouGov survey found that 46% of Brits say their dating app experiences have been bad.
I have stayed off the apps entirely, except for one impulsive evening with Hinge - one of the more popular ones among my age group. I'm not sure love can be found through swiping on a screen, and it seems I'm not alone.
So what exactly has gone wrong with finding modern love - and how can we hope to find a connection?
Frogs and filters
With 10% of adults visiting a dating site - and almost 4% visiting one daily according to Ofcom - there is no sign they are going anywhere fast, even if numbers are dropping.
Among the newcomers is Cherry.
It categorises users into three "vibes" - casual, go-with-the-flow and meaningful - to match intentions and ensure genuine connections.
There are also coaches available on the app because the CEO Jo Mason believes people need to work on themselves before embarking on relationships with others.
"They're hiding behind filtered photos, they're hiding behind a phone, they're hiding behind something all the time," Jo says.
The app's slogan is "kiss fewer frogs", and the brand ambassador - a frog's mask - is sitting on the table next to us.
According to a Cherry study, 58% of people dating feel exhausted by the process of swiping and superficial interactions, while 40% say their motivation to meet someone has decreased as a result.
Jo tells me she built Cherry out of "frustration", adding: "Your options of trying to meet someone are either at the gym, bump into them at the supermarket, or through work, other than that it's apps."
'Dating just seems to be all admin'
Thursday, an app launched in 2021, operates exclusively one day a week on - you guessed it, Thursdays - to encourage quick decision-making and in-person meetings.
Co-founder George Rawlings and I meet as we head to an over-30s singles event for users of the app in London at The Shard.
"We're trying to destigmatise that whole thing around speed dating to make it normal," George tells me.
"Is it awkward?" I ask, letting my intrusive thoughts win.
He laughs. "This is a different way of dating, we have obviously become so reliant on the apps for years but we're giving people new opportunities to meet people in an 'IRL' way'."
I still can't believe how that phrase - in real life - has become an acronym, but at the same time, it is not surprising.
"My resolution for this year is to meet someone organically," one man tells me at the event.
"[Dating] isn't as fun as it used to be, now it just seems to be all admin," another says. A family member told me the same thing that week - going through the apps these days is like reading and responding to emails.
One person likens it to a networking event: "There is an unspoken pressure that everyone is single."
As I finish speaking to someone, a man approaches me and asks what I am filming.
When I tell him anyone who hasn't given consent won't be identified, he looks relieved.
"Phew," he says, laughing.
"Because my wife will kill me if she finds out I am here."
So what happens if you ditch the apps?
On the theme of meeting in real life, my friends and I - over 30 and single - decided to go out one evening in London to see the dating scene for ourselves.
Perhaps the future of dating isn't found in an app but in the world right in front of us.
But we were wrong. We didn't get approached once.
People are glued to their phones - from texting in the middle of conversations to scrolling through dating apps while sitting across from someone at dinner, it seems we are physically present but mentally elsewhere.
It felt like a brave act just going up to people and talking or asking dating questions.
"I feel a woman should never go look for a man," one of my friends tells me afterwards. "That is probably why I am still single - because a lot of girls do shoot their shot now, they have the confidence to ask guys out.
"I even see girls getting on one knee."
Charlene Douglas, a relationship expert, specialising in psychodynamic counselling, who is a regular guest on the TV show Married At First Sight, admits then "men don't always know where they fit in" when it comes to modern dating.
"To wait for a guy to approach us, I think it is a bit...1950s," she says.
"I think in 2025, we can say hi to a guy or we can just strike up a conversation. We're good at talking, us women, right?"
From online to artificial
It's clear the emotional toll of online dating is becoming harder to ignore - so it comes as no surprise that some daters are turning to AI chatbots to help them respond to messages from strangers.
One woman, who wanted to remain anonymous, told me that she even inputs messages from men she is speaking to into ChatGPT because it offers reassurance and clarity when she feels in doubt.
Rather than speaking to friends about relationships, AI can suggest possible interpretations in a "non-biased" and "simplified" way, she says.
"I over analyse things a lot anyway. So ChatGPT just simplifies it for me."
Apps such as Replika and Blush are designed to provide AI companions for emotional support, and in some cases, even mimic romantic or intimate human relationships.
It's been reported that loneliness can be as damaging to health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, according to the World Health Organisation - but is AI just a sticking plaster on a larger problem?
Do people know what they want?
Milly has created a Singles' Society group on Instagram where she posts daily affirmations. Her videos have reached millions of people - including me.
"I felt so alone in this whole dating world," she says.
"I was honestly so surprised that everyone else was having similar experiences."
She plans to start events, including speed dating.
But Milly has a theory when it comes to the problem with modern dating - "It all comes down to people not knowing what they want."
Relationship expert Charlene thinks the answer is more education in school.
"Young people try and work out how to do relationships themselves based on what they have seen at home and what they have seen around them," she says. "But they don't really always know how to have healthy relationships."
So, despite the dating fatigue, I doubt dating apps are going anywhere, with new versions cropping up every day. And for some people, they can work.
Alex met her girlfriend Molly unexpectedly on one of the more popular apps, Hinge - they are now celebrating three years together: "We are currently in the flat we bought together, so I think you could say it is going quite well."
Molly adds: "I think it's quite good we had the option of online dating - I don't think our paths would have crossed otherwise."
Alex agrees: "With online dating, you get so many people, it almost feels like a numbers game, but it really does give you the opportunity to meet so many people that you wouldn't otherwise.