Dear Denise: My partner says boob job will ruin our sex life
Dear Denise: I met a guy on Tinder a couple of months ago and from the off we both said we were only looking for no-strings-attached sex. He told me really early on that he's not into condoms but I said there was absolutely no way in hell that I was sleeping with someone without protection.
All had been good until the other night. We had a few drinks and went back to my place and went straight to the bedroom. We were fumbling around in the dark and I asked him did he have the condom on and he said, 'yes'. It was only when he climaxed that I realised he had lied. I can't believe I didn't notice at the time.
My mind just froze in that moment and I told him to leave but he couldn't understand why I was so upset. I went and got the morning after pill as soon as I could but I feel so violated.
Answer: I am so, so sorry that you have experienced this. You set your boundaries from the very beginning of this arrangement and they have been very clearly violated.
The onus isn't on you, it's on this man who breached your trust and ignored your health and wellbeing by choosing not to wear protection. This is a deeply disturbing situation, and it's understandable that you'd feel shocked and confused, but beyond that, the fact that he lied about wearing the condom is, legally speaking, a form of sexual assault in many places.
The non-consensual removal of a condom is called 'stealthing' and it is breach of your autonomy and bodily integrity.
Speak to a healthcare professional to get checked, and you may want to reach out to a counsellor or therapist for added support. You can call the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre on the National Helpline on 1800 77 8888.
He says boob job will ruin our sex life
Dear Denise: I have been with my partner since we were teenagers and for as long as I've known him he's always had a bit of a boob fetish. I've even stumbled across some of the porn he watches and it's women that have the most insane boob jobs.
I have always been pretty well endowed, so whenever we have sex he gives my breasts more attention than me. Our intimacy has always been good but over the years and after a couple of kids I really want to get a breast reduction.
At this point, I have back pain and they are impacting my confidence. I broke the news last week and I thought he was going to cry.
He's told me I am being selfish and that it will ruin our sex life. Is he for real?
Answer: This just screams selfish man-child. You're clearly looking to improve your overall health and well-being and
your long-term partner should be the one empowering you and helping you.
You're not a blow-up doll and you don't solely exist for his pleasure.
You've also been clearly accepting of his preferences and fetishes but now it's time to think of yourself. I think it's time for a conversation to set firm boundaries in place.
I think there are very serious issues here at play so I would strongly suggest couples counselling.
Query: I lied and told my new girlfriend that I was really experienced in bed. Now I am dreading having sex with her for the first time. I'm 25. How do I fix this without looking like a complete idiot?
Answer: Don't overthink it. Your girlfriend will be equally as nervous so don't worry about her critiquing you in bed. Focus on finding out what you both like. And have fun.
Query: My wife walked in on me using a masturbation sleeve and told me she'll ever be able to look at me the same again.
Answer: Sex toys are a great way to enhance your sexual experiences. Let her know you respect her feelings but want to understand why she is upset. Does she see it as a threat to your relationship or feel like you betrayed her? Talk and go from there
Email your problems to: Denise Smith denise.smith@sundayworld.com
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