This is Watergate-level stuff, but Westminster won't call it so
We all make mistakes. Rob Jenrick keeps accidentally posting photos of himself in a state of undress, the latest being a Mr Darcy-style dip in the River Teme, glistening in trunks and a white towel. I texted him as soon as I saw it to say 'Rob, you're half-naked on Instagram'. He replied 'butterfingers!', wink, kiss and a flexing arm emoji. I fear we are only days from a leaked sex tape.
Jenrick's party was in power when refugee data was apparently leaking like a Thames Water sewer. They plugged any gossip with a super-injunction.
'No government wishes to withhold information from parliamentarians, the public or the press,' lied Healey – that's the state's chief job! – so he was happy to un-injunct us and lay the facts bare. Thousands of Afghans affected by the leak have been offered refuge, we learnt; he put the cost at around £400 million. MPs asked if the official had at least been sacked, but Healey wouldn't say. He, she or they probably received counselling and a promotion, plus extra cash on Pips if they could pin it on anxiety.
The mood in the House was odd. The Tories might have demanded greater clarity but held off. Labour could've wallowed in another inherited blunder, yet declined to gloat. Instead, the frontbenchers praised one another for their statesmanlike tone, leaving it to backbenchers Tan Dhesi and Emily Thornberry to express outrage.
The Government endangered people's lives. It covered it up. It then paid millions to resettle the victims. This is Watergate-level stuff, but Westminster won't call it so because it's an indictment of a system and a philosophy – of open borders and never-ending wars – that almost all the parties endorse.
Afghans worked with our Armed Forces, argued Catherine Atkinson, so we owe them a 'debt'. A rather high one, I'd say: tens of thousands have sought refuge here overall.
How did we ever lose that war? It seems half the local population was on our side, working as translators for British soldiers who got sick of pointing and repeating in a louder voice. Afghanistan, far from being a fundamentalist backwater, must have the best education system in the world, given how many of the citizens are fluent in English.
This scandal, argued Edward Leigh, is 'part of the Original Sin of us intervening militarily and then scuttling out' – and many voters would agree that we should never have been in the country in the first place. Anyone who knew about the history of Russia in Afghanistan knew it was unconquerable. Anyone who'd seen The Living Daylights could tell you it was a dump.
Sir Edward hoped that Britain had 'got over the liberal imperial itch' and won't be meddling in any 'ungovernable countries' again. He didn't say if this includes meddling in Britain.
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