Woman Wants to Skip Mother-in-Law's Birthday After Feeling 'Emotionally Depleted' Trying to Maintain Their Relationship
A woman seeks advice from the Reddit community following a decision that has sparked tension in her family: she doesn't want to attend her mother-in-law's birthday dinner this year. While she admits it's just one evening, she's emotionally drained from years of uncomfortable encounters and thinly veiled criticism.
'My in-laws present themselves as easygoing, religious Christians,' she writes in her post, 'but in reality they can be quite judgmental and snobbish.'
She adds that both she and her husband are aware of this dynamic, having dealt with numerous situations where they were made to feel like the problem, even when her in-laws were the ones bending the truth.
Her mother-in-law, she says, has always made her feel uneasy. 'She often talks about her career peak from 30 years ago and seems to evaluate other women through that lens,' she shares, adding that the compliments she does receive feel less than sincere.
What makes matters worse is how fixated her mother-in-law seems to be on her sister, someone she's only met once. 'We suspect it's because my sister happens to live and work in a city my mother-in-law used to visit for business,' the woman explains. 'It feels like some strange competitiveness or projection.'
This strange dynamic has even been noticed by others, including the woman's own mother. 'My mom has noticed how fake-nice my mother-in-law acts when my sister is mentioned,' she writes, which has led her and her husband to start 'gatekeeping info about her to avoid the tension.'
The emotional distance was clear from day one, even on the woman's wedding day. 'The only thing she said to me was 'Your dress is nice,' ' she recalls. 'No congratulations, no meaningful words — just that.'
Now, with another birthday approaching, the woman is torn between keeping the peace and protecting her own mental well-being. 'I know it's just one dinner, but I always leave feeling emotionally depleted,' she writes.
Her husband, she says, understands her feelings, but both are aware that skipping the event might stir up even more drama. Her mother-in-law 'treats her birthday like a major life event,' she explains, adding that while she respects that, she personally doesn't care much for birthdays.
In previous years, she has gone out of her way to be thoughtful and generous. 'I've given her thoughtful gifts — a Kindle, a very luxurious hand cream,' she shares, but notes with disappointment that she's never seen her mother-in-law use them or even acknowledge them afterward.
'It's not about the gifts,' she realizes. 'She just wants people physically present for the performance of it.'
She points to last year as an example, when her mother-in-law had three separate groups bring her cakes. The woman and her husband took her out to a nice dinner that evening, deliberately skipping dessert, believing it would align with her focus on healthy eating. 'She still seemed disappointed as if we were supposed to bring a fourth cake,' she writes.
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The invitation this year was similarly off-putting. 'Just yesterday, while we were at her house, she suddenly said to me: 'Let's eat on 5th September, I think you'll be free,' ' she shares, noting how it wasn't even framed as a question or discussed like a typical invitation.
That moment hit a nerve for her, as her mother-in-law rarely speaks to her directly about other family gatherings. 'But when it's her birthday, she always corners me like this,' she adds.
It's not just about one dinner or one awkward exchange. 'I'm struggling to celebrate someone who never connects with me emotionally, never appreciates the gifts I give,' she writes, 'and seems happiest when she's comparing me or my family unfavorably to hers.'
Now she's left wondering if she's in the wrong for not wanting to go. 'AITA for wanting to sit this one out?' she asks, openly looking for guidance. 'If yes, what should I do?'
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Woman Wants to Skip Mother-in-Law's Birthday After Feeling 'Emotionally Depleted' Trying to Maintain Their Relationship
After enduring years of subtle jabs and backhanded compliments, one woman decides it may be time to skip her mother-in-law's birthday celebration A woman seeks advice from the Reddit community following a decision that has sparked tension in her family: she doesn't want to attend her mother-in-law's birthday dinner this year. While she admits it's just one evening, she's emotionally drained from years of uncomfortable encounters and thinly veiled criticism. 'My in-laws present themselves as easygoing, religious Christians,' she writes in her post, 'but in reality they can be quite judgmental and snobbish.' She adds that both she and her husband are aware of this dynamic, having dealt with numerous situations where they were made to feel like the problem, even when her in-laws were the ones bending the truth. Her mother-in-law, she says, has always made her feel uneasy. 'She often talks about her career peak from 30 years ago and seems to evaluate other women through that lens,' she shares, adding that the compliments she does receive feel less than sincere. What makes matters worse is how fixated her mother-in-law seems to be on her sister, someone she's only met once. 'We suspect it's because my sister happens to live and work in a city my mother-in-law used to visit for business,' the woman explains. 'It feels like some strange competitiveness or projection.' This strange dynamic has even been noticed by others, including the woman's own mother. 'My mom has noticed how fake-nice my mother-in-law acts when my sister is mentioned,' she writes, which has led her and her husband to start 'gatekeeping info about her to avoid the tension.' The emotional distance was clear from day one, even on the woman's wedding day. 'The only thing she said to me was 'Your dress is nice,' ' she recalls. 'No congratulations, no meaningful words — just that.' Now, with another birthday approaching, the woman is torn between keeping the peace and protecting her own mental well-being. 'I know it's just one dinner, but I always leave feeling emotionally depleted,' she writes. Her husband, she says, understands her feelings, but both are aware that skipping the event might stir up even more drama. Her mother-in-law 'treats her birthday like a major life event,' she explains, adding that while she respects that, she personally doesn't care much for birthdays. In previous years, she has gone out of her way to be thoughtful and generous. 'I've given her thoughtful gifts — a Kindle, a very luxurious hand cream,' she shares, but notes with disappointment that she's never seen her mother-in-law use them or even acknowledge them afterward. 'It's not about the gifts,' she realizes. 'She just wants people physically present for the performance of it.' She points to last year as an example, when her mother-in-law had three separate groups bring her cakes. The woman and her husband took her out to a nice dinner that evening, deliberately skipping dessert, believing it would align with her focus on healthy eating. 'She still seemed disappointed as if we were supposed to bring a fourth cake,' she writes. Never miss a story — sign up for to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from celebrity news to compelling human interest stories. The invitation this year was similarly off-putting. 'Just yesterday, while we were at her house, she suddenly said to me: 'Let's eat on 5th September, I think you'll be free,' ' she shares, noting how it wasn't even framed as a question or discussed like a typical invitation. That moment hit a nerve for her, as her mother-in-law rarely speaks to her directly about other family gatherings. 'But when it's her birthday, she always corners me like this,' she adds. It's not just about one dinner or one awkward exchange. 'I'm struggling to celebrate someone who never connects with me emotionally, never appreciates the gifts I give,' she writes, 'and seems happiest when she's comparing me or my family unfavorably to hers.' Now she's left wondering if she's in the wrong for not wanting to go. 'AITA for wanting to sit this one out?' she asks, openly looking for guidance. 'If yes, what should I do?' Read the original article on People Solve the daily Crossword
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The Atlantic Daily, a newsletter that guides you through the biggest stories of the day, helps you discover new ideas, and recommends the best in culture. Sign up for it here. Want to stay current with Arthur's writing? Sign up to get an email every time a new column comes out. A special quality sets some people apart from the crowd. They are magnetic to be around, attractive to watch, hypnotic to listen to. They have, in a word, charisma. It seems like a divine grace—indeed, the word derives from the ancient Greek χάρισμα, meaning 'God's gift.' The word appeared in third-century B.C.E. Greek translations of the Hebrew Bible, and early Christians referred to charismata as blessings bestowed on believers such as prophecy, healing, and speaking in tongues. Our modern usage of charisma comes from the early-20th-century sociologist Max Weber, who called it a 'certain quality of an individual personality, by virtue of which he is set apart from ordinary men and treated as endowed with supernatural, superhuman, or at least specifically exceptional powers or qualities.' And today, the concept of charisma is having a moment in the abbreviated slang term rizz, which, in Generation Z vernacular, describes one's ability to charismatically court a romantic partner. It involves a notable power to impress others with smooth talk, confidence, or style—a skill we'd probably all like to have, beyond the domain of romance. Do you have charisma? Would your life be better if you had more? Or is it, like fame, a blessing that hides a curse? The idea of being more charismatic certainly seems appealing, but here's what science can tell you about whether this elusive rizz is a divine gift or a false friend. [From the September 2016 issue: The charisma effect] A number of psychologists have looked for charisma's seemingly magic ingredients. One of the most cited studies on the topic, from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 2018, argues that charisma is actually a combination of two traits: influence (the ability to guide others with confidence and competence) and affability (the ability to make other people feel comfortable and at ease). Influence is judged based on qualities such as one's presence in a room, magnetism, and leadership ability. People see affability in, among other traits, frequency of smiling, approachability, and projection of positive energy. Leaders use their charisma to influence others in very specific ways. By analyzing speeches given by charismatic individuals, one helpful model shows a distinct, three-stage use of emotion. First, the speakers model and amplify the mood prevailing among their audience ('We are angry because those people over there are bad!'). Then they introduce a dissonant emotion that actually confuses people ('But you know what? I don't really care about that.'). Finally, they use that confusion to reframe the emotional environment and win over the audience to their view ('Because we should be happy that we are better people than they are!'). You will not be surprised to learn that charisma and professional success are strongly associated. Researchers following people's careers find that charisma early in life predicts a higher income 15 years later, as well as the managerial level a person achieves and the number of subordinates they have. However, this relationship appears to be curvilinear. Scholars in 2018 showed that people with a more charismatic personality are judged to be a more effective leader, but only up to about the 60th percentile. 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The early feedback I got on my public speaking did not include the phrase incredible charisma. The first notes were more like 'paces like a caged animal' and 'terrifying amount of eye contact.' With time, I did get better at it—fortunately. [Read: The perils of charisma] One question I haven't answered yet—and given this column's remit, you might be thinking that was a strange oversight: Does possessing charisma make you happier? I have found no evidence that addresses this topic head-on. Although you might assume that charisma would deliver happiness, one line of research gives me pause. One human capacity that strongly predicts charisma but is most definitely not correlated with higher happiness is self-consciousness—that is, thinking frequently about yourself. Charismatic people do think about themselves a lot—and that characteristic, as I have previously discussed, usually brings unhappiness. 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Want to stay current with Arthur's writing? Sign up to get an email every time a new column comes out. A special quality sets some people apart from the crowd. They are magnetic to be around, attractive to watch, hypnotic to listen to. They have, in a word, charisma. It seems like a divine grace—indeed, the word derives from the ancient Greek χάρισμα, meaning 'God's gift.' The word appeared in third-century B.C.E. Greek translations of the Hebrew Bible, and early Christians referred to charismata as blessings bestowed on believers such as prophecy, healing, and speaking in tongues. Our modern usage of charisma comes from the early-20th-century sociologist Max Weber, who called it a 'certain quality of an individual personality, by virtue of which he is set apart from ordinary men and treated as endowed with supernatural, superhuman, or at least specifically exceptional powers or qualities.' And today, the concept of charisma is having a moment in the abbreviated slang term rizz, which, in Generation Z vernacular, describes one's ability to charismatically court a romantic partner. It involves a notable power to impress others with smooth talk, confidence, or style—a skill we'd probably all like to have, beyond the domain of romance. Do you have charisma? Would your life be better if you had more? Or is it, like fame, a blessing that hides a curse? The idea of being more charismatic certainly seems appealing, but here's what science can tell you about whether this elusive rizz is a divine gift or a false friend. From the September 2016 issue: The charisma effect A number of psychologists have looked for charisma's seemingly magic ingredients. One of the most cited studies on the topic, from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 2018, argues that charisma is actually a combination of two traits: influence (the ability to guide others with confidence and competence) and affability (the ability to make other people feel comfortable and at ease). Influence is judged based on qualities such as one's presence in a room, magnetism, and leadership ability. People see affability in, among other traits, frequency of smiling, approachability, and projection of positive energy. Leaders use their charisma to influence others in very specific ways. By analyzing speeches given by charismatic individuals, one helpful model shows a distinct, three-stage use of emotion. First, the speakers model and amplify the mood prevailing among their audience ('We are angry because those people over there are bad!'). Then they introduce a dissonant emotion that actually confuses people ('But you know what? I don't really care about that.'). Finally, they use that confusion to reframe the emotional environment and win over the audience to their view ('Because we should be happy that we are better people than they are!'). You will not be surprised to learn that charisma and professional success are strongly associated. Researchers following people's careers find that charisma early in life predicts a higher income 15 years later, as well as the managerial level a person achieves and the number of subordinates they have. However, this relationship appears to be curvilinear. Scholars in 2018 showed that people with a more charismatic personality are judged to be a more effective leader, but only up to about the 60th percentile. Beyond that point, perceived leadership effectiveness associated with charisma starts to decline. The authors of that study believed this was because extremely charismatic leaders tend to be strong on imparting a vision but weak on implementing it. Another possible reason why a very high level of charisma may lower the perceived effectiveness of a leader is the possible connection with narcissism. High charisma is specifically associated with people whom psychologists label 'agentic narcissists'; these people are extremely self-assured (whereas 'antagonistic narcissists' are mean and aggressive, and not perceived as charismatic at all). You can probably think of individuals whose charismatic qualities make them an effective leader up to a point, but tips over into being off-putting and arousing suspicion. Tom F. Wright: The origin of vibes In short, charisma might be a trait you'd want to increase—within reasonable limits. Of course, if charismatic individuals are simply born with the gift, this is a moot point. Some charisma, no doubt, is innate. We know, say, that attractive people are perceived as more charismatic than unattractive people; the same is true of more intelligent people. Charisma is also strongly correlated with personality traits, which are 40 to 60 percent heritable. Here, extroverts have the advantage because they tend to be high in influence and affability, while introverts score low on both. Yet ample evidence exists that charisma can be cultivated. Last year, three Israeli researchers created a virtual-reality device called the 'Charismulator' to help people develop a more appealing communication style, both verbal and nonverbal. Subjects who trained for only a few minutes with the device were judged by others to have 17 percent more 'general charisma' than they'd had before the intervention. The nonverbal-communication training exposed the participants to emphatic body gestures that conveyed a message, warm facial expressions, and powerful voice inflections—all demonstrated by charismatic speakers. You can re-create this input easily by reading the words of famous orators (think Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King Jr.), and studying videos of great speakers on YouTube. I stumbled on my own version of this method of the Charismulator intervention early in my public-speaking career, by listening to audio recordings of great communicators. I took copious notes on the speakers I admired, and accepted every invitation to talk in order to practice what I was learning. (Your nephew's bar mitzvah in February in Fairbanks, Alaska? I'll be there!) Anyone can improve their charismatic presence by being conscious of using these physical gestures, but it takes practice to make learned charisma stick. The early feedback I got on my public speaking did not include the phrase incredible charisma. The first notes were more like 'paces like a caged animal' and 'terrifying amount of eye contact.' With time, I did get better at it—fortunately. One question I haven't answered yet—and given this column's remit, you might be thinking that was a strange oversight: Does possessing charisma make you happier? I have found no evidence that addresses this topic head-on. Although you might assume that charisma would deliver happiness, one line of research gives me pause. One human capacity that strongly predicts charisma but is most definitely not correlated with higher happiness is self-consciousness —that is, thinking frequently about yourself. Charismatic people do think about themselves a lot—and that characteristic, as I have previously discussed, usually brings unhappiness. When it comes to happiness, much can be said for accepting who you are, rather than constantly worrying about what impression you're making on others. So yes: You probably can get more rizz, but you might want to skip it and have more peace of mind instead.
