‘A random woman slid into my DMs - turns out she was my mum'

Metro

3 days ago

Candace Bryan planned on doing her debut Edinburgh Fringe hour about her dad, who raised her as a single parent.
But last year, the US comedian was doomscrolling, and her estranged mother has slid into her DMs. Now, she's got a lot to unpack.
'I had mostly written her off,' Candace tells Metro in a chat ahead of her Fringe run, where she will discuss this mysterious enigma that is her mother every night in her show MILF (Mom I'd Like to Find).
Candace's mother and father divorced when she was a baby. She had not seen or heard from her since, save one time she remembers as a child.
'It was kind of a blur, but I sort of remember not liking her very much and I remember her smoking a lot of cigarettes,' Candace says.
But while Candace spent much of her life thinking her mother didn't have custody of her and so was unable to opt into her life, the opposite was true.
A few years ago, Candace asked her dad about her mum. It was only then that she found out about the custody.
(Candace is from Memphis, where she says families don't talk as openly as in other US states, so a lot of her knowledge was based on assumption).
'I remember being really affected by that, because I had been telling myself this story for so many years that she wasn't really expected to show up for me in a way. But it turns out she was, and she just chose not to.'
So you can imagine Candace's distress when her mother randomly followed her on Instagram.
Her name isn't a common one, so when Candace saw it flash up on her social media she dared to think: 'Is that my mother?'
'I started looking at her profile and I was like, this person kind of looks like me but in their 50s, which is the age that she would be,' Candace explains.
Then she slid into Candace's DMs basically saying, 'Hey, I'm your biological mum!'
'When I thought about my first contact with my biological mum, I can not begin to tell you how it never occurred to me that that would be on Instagram,' Candace says.
'She sent this really nice message,' Candace explains – though what happened next flawed her.
Her mum was just joining social media for the first time in a few years and said how amazing Candace's life looked, that she's proud of her, and that she would love to be in touch. https://www.instagram.com/p/DKe2tGVseQD/?hl=en
'I didn't really know how to react, so I spent a couple of days kind of talking to my dad and talking to my friends and figuring out what I wanted to do and if I wanted to reply, because it was a bit flippant,' Candace says.
'It seemed strange and so out of the blue, and I couldn't help but have the thought of why now? It's kind of scary. Like, why all of a sudden is she reaching out, is something wrong?'
But when Candace decided to reply, she went into the conversation, and her mother had deleted the message and unfollowed her on Instagram.
'I hadn't really had an emotional reaction tothe original message, because I'm kind of a reserved person, and I'm very cautious emotionally.
'But when I saw that had happened, it really triggered such an emotional reaction in me. It was very hurtful,' she admits.
Candace also felt angry, as it seemed like her mother was punishing her for not being more decisive about replying sooner.
'It seemed like there's a lack of empathy, if she can't see how this is coming across from my perspective. It was very triggering.'
It was funny timing. Candace had been thinking a lot about how the absence of her mother had shaped her over the past year before the Instagram message.
She's never been a girly-girl, for instance. Candace is also in her 30s and child-free by choice. While there are many other factors in Candace's decision – a love for her comedy work, financial reasons, and kids just being a lot of work – a lack of a mother figure definitely contributed.
'I think not having experienced being mothered, there's just not a drive in me to want to be a mother,' she says.
So it changed her life path. It's also given her 'textbook' abandonment issues.
'It's definitely affected my relationships. I have anxieties around feeling the need to be perfect and having to earn people's love, or else they'll leave,' she explains.
Growing up, Candace never felt a lack of love or attention. She was raised by a loving father – her best friend. He did an incredible job, even as a 20-something single dad. He grew up with an absent father himself, so knows Candace's experience well.
'I didn't sit around as a child and think, 'Why did I have a mum?' Because I sort of felt like my dad was my mum and my dad,' she says. https://www.instagram.com/p/DMLdN_ss89i/?hl=en
It's strange that Candace's story seems so foreign. We never usually think of a single parent being a man, and if they are, it's assumed they are a devoted and selfless widow, not that a woman 'peaced out' of motherhood like Candace's did.
'I think it says a lot about the expectations that we put on women,' Candace says, having been surprised to meet other people with absent mothers (they do exist).
'Like, 'a woman can't leave her child because women are supposed to be these goddess mother figures who would never have the reason to leave that a man would.' That's not always the case.'
After the Instagram message, Candace and her father talked much more about her mum.
'I called my dad crying, and we ended up having a really big conversation about it,' she recalls.
Candace's mother was the eldest of several children, many of whom she was made responsible for. Then she had Candace, aged 18.
'I can empathise with that being a really tough situation,' Candace says.
'Not to get dark, but the culture of abortion in America, and thinking about getting pregnant at 17… The pressures that you must be under, and having to make such a big life decision.
'I can't imagine being in that position, just because I was raised with so much more support, that if I had ended up in that position, I would have had different choices available to me.'
Candace doesn't resent her mother for what she did.
'If I or my friends were in that position all you can really do is feel sorry for someone,' she says.
A few months later, Candace's mother tried to contact her again – this time through her relative. Now her details are with Candace, who is contemplating her next move.
'At that point I was of the mindset of thinking this is not necessarily someone who, at least anytime soon, I'm ready to bring into my life,' Candace says.
'There's a lack of care and empathy and stability with how they're approaching it, that is kind of off putting to me.'
But curiosity will likely take over when Candace is ready.
'I know so much who I am is affected by the way that I was raised, but I'm sure there are parts of me that are similar to this person, and how could I not want to see that?' Candace explains. More Trending
Mostly though, Candace feels empathy. She would like her mother to know that.
'There's part of me too that really wants to get in contact at least in a small way to say: 'By the way, I don't hate you, and I'm not mad at you. Any guilt that you feel is understandable.
''But I don't want you to think that I'm over here resenting you over the decisions you've made, when I'm actually very much able to understand them.''
Candace Bryan: MILF (Mom I'd Like to Find) is on every day at the Edinburgh Fringe in August at 3.15pm at the Just The Sub-Atomic Room at Just the Tonic Nucleus. Tickets here.
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