44 Of The Wildest, Funniest, And Most Unhinged Excuses For Missing Work You've Probably Ever Heard (And, Allegedly, They're All True)

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3 hours ago

Reddit user piranhamode recently asked, "What is the most unusual excuse you've ever heard of from somebody calling off work?" People flooded the replies with their own wild (yet true) excuses for missing work, as well as the most absurd excuses their colleagues have ever called in. Here's what they shared:
1."I was once late to work because I was glued in my apartment. They replaced the carpet in the common hallway overnight, and were too enthusiastic with the glue by my door. My door opened inward, so I couldn't get enough leverage to open it. I had to wait until maintenance arrived at 8 a.m., so they could body slam the door from the outside. I was laughing so hard when I left the voicemail for my boss, I had to call back to speak more clearly."
—FloatingFreeMe
2."My grandparents had a medical emergency years ago where one got stuck on the toilet, and when the other tried to help, they fell and knocked themselves unconscious. My employer demanded details and didn't believe me because it sounded like an SNL skit."
—Sea_Accident_6138
3."Flushed my car key down the toilet. It was me, and I certainly did."
—waterbottlejesus
4."It was opening day of the school year, and I was in our home office typing up my Classroom Expectations. Suddenly, I felt something on my head, accompanied by a high-pitched scream. It was a frickin' bat entangled in my hair. My husband somehow got it out of my hair while I collapsed onto the floor, trying to breathe from the sheer panic. After half an hour of trying to compose myself, I called our principal and told him what had happened and that I would be late, as my nerves had to settle down before I could drive the 1.5-hour commute. When I arrived in time for my third-period class of nervous, brand-new first years and told them why I was late, the looks on their faces were memorable."
—PerfectIndication792
5."I had to call my boss and tell her I would be late because chipmunks had filled my truck's engine up with black walnuts! She laughed so hard I thought she was going to choke. Went out to leave, started the truck, and heard this awful sound. Opened the hood, and the engine was full of black walnuts. Had to get the little stepladder out and spent half an hour cleaning them all out. Luckily, I was only about half an hour late, and it was the early morning stocking shift, so it was all good."
—FairBaker315
6."I used to manage a small team at an IT helpdesk. One morning, my most punctual, reliable employee didn't show up. He calls me two hours into his shift, sounding genuinely panicked. 'I am so sorry. I can't come in today. I'm trapped.' Me: 'Trapped? What do you mean, trapped? Is everything okay?' Him: 'Yes, I'm fine, but...there's a moose on my porch, and it's been sleeping in front of my door for three hours. I can't get out.' I was completely silent, trying to process whether this was an elaborate prank. I just told him to keep me updated. An hour later, he emailed me a picture from his upstairs window. There, magnificently and absurdly, was a full-grown moose, curled up and fast asleep on his front steps like a giant, antlered dog."
"It's the only time in my career I've had to log 'Act of Moose' as the official reason for an absence."
—InnerObligation2676
7."I emailed the office that I wouldn't be in for a few days because my (then) wife had had our son...in the front seat of my car on the side of the turnpike. They knew he was due any day, and we were actually on the way to the hospital, but he just came faster than we expected. I got an email back from a coworker with a link to a local news article saying, 'I thought I recognized your car!'"
—throwaway47138
8."I called in late to work once. I got fake nails for the first time for a wedding. When I was in the shower, exfoliating my face, I stuck one of those fake nails up my nose and sliced it open. It was bleeding a ton. My boss started calling me Edward Scissorhands!"
—Conchetta1
9."I had a coworker call out because she ran out of toilet paper. She's probably still sitting on the toilet to this day."
—mkalias
10."One of my colleagues said that one of his employees could not come to work because she was the getaway car driver when her boyfriend robbed a bank, and they both got arrested."
—Zoomulator
11."My wife called me from home while I was at work one day. I asked her why she was home instead of at work, and she said, 'I called in sick.' I asked her what was wrong. She replied, 'There's a big bug by the door.' We lived in a garden apartment with only one entrance. And she couldn't get out because of the bug. I told her to step on it. She was too afraid. I told her to sic our Jack Russell on it. She (the dog) was definitely not afraid of bugs. So that's what she did. She took the dog over to it, pointed it out, and the dog went over to it, sniffed it, and walked away. Upon further examination, it turned out the 'bug' was actually just a ball of loose thread. These are the dangers of not wearing your glasses, I guess."
—Adddicus
12."One guy didn't show up for work on February 14th. He showed up the next day and was asked where he was. He thought Valentine's Day was a national holiday! Lol."
—Original-Dinner-435
13."A coworker got Kegel exercise balls stuck in her vagina and couldn't get them out. She had to call her husband to come home from work to get them out for her. We weren't shocked that it happened as much as we were shocked she would actually tell everyone why she was late."
—ReddyKilowattWife
14."One of my staff members called out one day (back in 2012) because she found a huge human turd on her driver's seat when she opened the car door to drive to work."
—gidget2802
15."Got bit on the finger by a squirrel while tossing a coffee cup into a parking garage trashcan."
—ImOnPlutoWhereAreYou
16."A guy I worked with in retail 15 years ago called in to say he had a nightmare and didn't think he'd be able to get back to sleep and come in to work five hours later."
—dennisbauls6
17."While in retail a long time ago, I was running a shift and had a girl call in sick, saying she was too distraught to work because Zayn had left One Direction."
—beamob
18."Back in the day, a fellow Blockbuster employee called in sick after eating a whole log of cookie dough."
—lesvegetables
19."I had to call in late once because my stairs were gone. Of course, it was a huge violation by the condo, and I sped up their timeline by calling the Department of Housing and Code Enforcement. We had no way out of our second-story walk-up. Absolutely ridiculous, and fortunately, the photos I sent my boss were enough to excuse my tardiness."
—redhuntrez
20."I once had an employee call to say they would be late because a plane hit their car. Turns out they live next to a small private airfield. A drunk pilot was coming in to land and mistook the road for a runway. By the time he started to correct, it was too late. He skimmed off the top of their car. The car had scrapes all along the roof, and the propeller had trimmed the antenna."
—Pleaselobotomize
21."A colleague emailed me to tell me he'd be out of town and unable to review the materials I sent him. I was frustrated because I work in print publishing, and deadlines really don't care about your vacation. I checked in with another colleague to see if he agreed that I should follow up with him by phone regardless. It turns out he was not just 'out of town.' He was in ANTARCTICA doing research."
—porcelina-g
22."One time, I called into work because my neighbor with Alzheimer's kept accidentally taking my mail, so I didn't know I had jury duty until about two hours before jury duty. My work found it humorous, and saved the email in which I explained everything."
—everytownhasanelmst
23."Does leaving early count? My mom closed the eyeglasses store she was working at because a fly was in her drink and got in her mouth."
—brunette_mermaid93
24."I recently had to call in because lightning struck my home and caused a fire. Yup."
—SLMRN01
25."I had to call in late because an elk cow had given birth right beside my driveway. She was standing in the middle of the drive, staring at me when I came out of the door. I could probably get past her, but I didn't want to risk her abandoning the new calf because she perceived the area as dangerous."
—No-Satisfaction5636
26."'I sharted on the bus and had to return home to shower.'"
—_prison-spice_
27."I once heard a coworker called in sunburnt. Weird, but to be fair, she was VERY light-skinned, so I imagine it was pretty bad."
—wantahippo4christmas
28."They dropped a frozen turkey on their bare foot."
—Less_Instruction_345
29."I sprained my ankle chasing a dog after the dumb dog got us sprayed by a skunk in my yard at 2 a.m. I didn't get any sleep because I'd been washing the dog, and then around 7 a.m., I went to the ER to get checked out."
—LAPL620
30."There was a spider in their car, and they were deathly afraid of spiders."
—Shadowhawk0000
31."I called out once because there was a scorpion in my bed that stung me 10+ times, and I was in a helicopter being med-evac'd. Called out once because a pack of javelinas were encircling my car. Called out once because a mama cougar was hanging out on my back wall with a baby on the ground. I was called out once because a saguaro fell onto my house, and I had to prove to the feds that I didn't knock it over. Called out on two separate occasions because I got stuck in a hurricane and missed my flight home. I called out once because I was helping rescue a friend's horses from a wildfire moving toward their ranch. I think that's pretty much it for my wild excuses. I don't really get sick, so I don't call out unless I REALLY can't get to work."
—hotanduncomfortable
32."I once had to contact my work to tell them I was going to be late because the SWAT team wouldn't let me leave my house. I did shift work and was trying to leave my house around 4:30 a.m. The SWAT team was trying to arrest someone living a few houses down, and they'd cordoned off an area that included a few houses (including mine) and the overflow parking (where my car was)."
—CassieBear1
33."Not me, but my mother. One of her employees once called to tell her she would not be coming to work because her car was on fire. This particular employee had been caught lying before (with very obvious stuff too), so my mother didn't quite believe her at first. Lo and behold, this particular story was verified as true because it made it to the local news on TV that night."
—a-most-peculiar-girl
34."I wish I could just add the screenshot, but I had to call in late the other day. The message to my boss said: 'Hi bossman. I was on my way, and I saw a squirrel get hit by a car. While I was grabbing my jacket to get him off the street, some other lady ran out and grabbed him barehanded, and got bitten. So I'm having to call animal control.'"
—Forsaken_Article_295
35."I once had to call out because my town was having a 5K race and then a parade, and my house happened to be in the epicenter of the route. Literally every street around my own was closed. I offered to walk to the nearby grocery store if somebody wanted to come pick me up."
—Wishyouamerry
36."As a kid in Colorado, I had to call in late to a weekend shift because we had a bear in our driveway."
—Phyrnosoma
37."I'm the one who had to give the excuse. TL;DR: My bedroom basically turned into an escape room one morning unexpectedly. The handle on my bedroom door broke (as in, the mechanism inside no longer moved when I turned the knob). At the time, I lived alone and didn't know anyone living nearby who could potentially help me. The landlord wasn't replying to my calls/texts. I needed to pee really badly, as I had just woken up. I had no tools with me. It took me three hours of turning my room upside down in the hopes of finding small objects that would help me remove the knob and then manually move the mechanism inside. Good times."
—isopode
38."A 17-year-old at a pizza place I used to work for 'ate too much Easter candy before his shift.' Legendary."
—Resting_Warface
39."They couldn't come in because their neighbor's dog ate their car keys."
—curvynsluttyxo
40."I was late to work one time because I was stuck behind both a tractor and a horse-drawn wagon on their way to participate in a Christmas parade. I had to take a picture to send in to prove my point."
—rharper38
41."A plane landed on the expressway, preventing traffic from using the road."
—2thecorAY
42."I once called out of work as a bartender from the crawl space under my house, I was rescuing an abandoned kitten and got stuck in the ductwork."
—southern_gothicc
43."I once had to call out of work because the cops had blocked my driveway. There was a random cop car across the end of my driveway. There were no cops around and no way to get around it. Turns out they had an incident and the one cop jumped in a different vehicle (ambulance maybe?) and left it behind."
—Killer-Barbie
44.And: "I had to genuinely call in sick because I squirted shampoo in my eye during my morning shower. My vision went out completely in that eye for about three hours, and there was no way I could drive. Fortunately, I worked at a vet office, so there was some degree of compassion at the other end of the phone."
—codexonline84
What's the wildest excuse you've ever heard (or had to give) for missing work? Was it true??? Tell us in the comments or share anonymously using this form.
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