The shorter man's search for love: ‘One woman cried when I told her how tall I am'

The Guardian

9 hours ago

Height is often seen as a dealbreaker when it comes to romance, particularly within heterosexual relationships. But when Tinder recently said that it was trialling a feature that allows some premium users to filter potential matches by height, it quickly proved controversial. 'Oh God. They added a height filter,' lamented one Reddit thread, while an X user claimed: 'It's over for short men.'
'I've experimented with not putting my height on my dating profile, or lying about it just to see, and the number of likes I get shoots up massively,' says Stuart, who is in his 50s and from the Midlands. 'I know I get screened out by the majority of women from the off.' At 5ft 7in (170cm), Stuart is just two inches below the UK and US male average height of 5ft 9in, but a height filter would probably prevent him from receiving as many matches.
Since height is such a sticking point, it's no surprise that some apps, including Bumble and Hinge, already allow users to filter by this metric. A recent YouGov poll found that most Britons think being able to filter by height is acceptable; it was least popular with under-30s, of whom 36% were not in favour of height filters, compared with 26% of the wider public. (A common counter-argument is that, if users can filter by height, they should also be able to filter by weight – something that the same survey found 51% of men supported, compared with 36% of women.)
Tinder has been quick to point out that height is a paid preference feature being trialled in select markets, not including the UK. It is also not a hard filter; profiles that don't match the selected height criteria will not be blocked outright. A spokesperson said: 'This is part of a broader effort to help people connect more intentionally on Tinder.' The app has gained a reputation for initiating hook-ups, rather than relationships.
'I've not used Tinder, but I have paid once to filter for height on Hinge,' says one Guardian reader who wishes to remain anonymous. 'I am a tall woman – 6ft without shoes – and dating is a challenge, because I am only attracted to men who are taller than me. This is not a question of vanity, or of wanting to be seen with a man who is more alpha or impressive … holding hands with and hugging a shorter man feels like I'm being affectionate with a child. It makes me feel enormous, even though I have a slim figure and am confident in my appearance.'
Like many of those who cite height as a prerequisite, she has faced pressure from family and friends to loosen her requirements – someone shorter, they tell her, may be better able to meet her needs. 'But attraction is a need – and it seems it is only possible for me with men who are over 6ft.'
Jo, 33, who is 5ft 10in and from Northern Ireland, is also 'most comfortable' with partners who are 6ft and above. 'While I've had a deeply meaningful relationship with someone shorter than me, I realised over time that I didn't enjoy the physical dynamic of feeling like I was towering over my partner,' she says. 'It affected how I felt in my own body, particularly around feeling 'large', which in turn affected my confidence.'
In 2022, a former product manager at Bumble claimed that most women on the platform set a 6ft minimum for men – a statistic Bumble said was inaccurate – which would limit their dating pool to about 15% of the population. According to the dating app Badoo, the top keyword for men to get matches was '6ft' (perhaps surprisingly, for women, it was 'love').
Of course, as with much of the information provided in dating profiles, there is no guarantee the height given will be accurate. In 2010, OkCupid said its research showed that most men inflated their height by two inches. In 2019, Tinder made an April Fools' joke about the launch of a 'height verification' feature, to try to prevent such exaggerations.
'Height and strength are generally associated with dominance and power,' says Sandhya Bhattacharya, a relationship therapist. 'Having both predicates a greater disposition towards endurance and survival.' Research has confirmed the idea that taller men are seen as having an advantage when it comes to social status, access to resources and heritable fitness. In Bhattacharya's experience, this holds across most cultures, although genetic predisposition to attributes such as height and strength can vary globally. 'Unconsciously perhaps, we are re-enacting biological preferences.'
Anna Machin, an anthropologist and the author of Why We Love: The Definitive Guide to Our Most Fundamental Need, agrees that the search for a taller man is partly down to an 'evolutionary drive'. But, she says, studies on non-western populations have found variable outcomes. Within the Tsimané people of the Bolivian Amazon, for example, 'while men prefer the male to be taller, the women are not bothered'. This implies that there is 'a major cultural element to our western preference for men to be taller', says Machin.
In 2022, 'short king spring' trended on TikTok, although the moment was short-lived. While some Guardian readers apportion blame to 'TV, films and (especially) romantic novels' for the notion that a man must be tall to be attractive, a number of mixed-height celebrity relationships subvert preconceptions about height: Zendaya (5ft 10in) and Tom Holland (5 ft 8in); Sophie Dahl (about 6ft) and Jamie Cullum (reportedly 5ft 4in); and, until recently, Sophie Turner (5ft 9in) and Joe Jonas (5ft 7in), among others.
Yet heightism remains so entrenched when it comes to dating that some men have taken to wearing heel lifts – shoe inserts that boost height by as much as six inches – or elevator shoes; Tom Cruise (reportedly 5ft 7in) and Ron DeSantis, who says he is 5ft 11in, are both thought to be fans. But while heterosexual women may place the greatest importance on their partner's height, filters could benefit men too. Research has shown that most men prefer to be a little taller than their female partners and that satisfaction with their partner's height can lead men to feel greater satisfaction with their own height – more so than with women.
'I've made peace with the fact that, statistically, I'm very unlikely to find someone shorter than me,' says Michael, 31, who is 5ft 2in and from Hampshire. He thinks it's reasonable for women to want to date someone taller, but believes that being able to filter by height when using a dating app is a bad idea. 'Even the most generous, inclusive person is unlikely to select the whole range that's offered, even if they don't care about it or would be willing to look past it for the right person,' he says. 'It excludes anyone at the extremes by default.'
He has had mixed dating experiences in relation to his height. 'About half of the women either weren't bothered by it or were willing to look past it,' he says. 'Most of the other half ghosted me as soon as they learned about it. One woman, whom I'd gotten to know quite well, said my height was shocking when I told her on a phone call, then cried for half an hour. She turned out to be 5ft 8in.'
Height may not play such a pivotal role in attraction when it comes to gay relationships. A 2014 study of queer men found that most preferred a partner slightly taller than themselves, although these preferences were modulated by sexual role. Elsewhere, other studies have found that, on average, gay men and women preferred partners with body heights that were equal to their own.
'For most of high school and college, I felt ugly and unwanted, in large part because of comments I heard from straight women about short men being undesirable,' says Charles, 26, who is 5ft 6in and from San Francisco, California. 'In my senior year of college, I came out as bisexual and started dating men. I was shocked by how attractive queer men found me. Even those who had a preference for height were generally less strict about it than the women I'd been around. So I date in queer spaces, where I feel more valued.'
Height has become such a bone of contention on dating apps that some users have taken to addressing it outright. Taller-than-average women can often be found to quip that they are 'probably taller than you' within their profile bios, while so many men list their height followed by the phrase 'because apparently that matters' that it has become a cliche.
Away from the apps, the 6ft fixation seems to be less of a hard‑and-fast boundary when meeting by chance. 'I've worked with couples where there is a significant height difference and it makes no difference to their physical, emotional or sexual compatibility,' says Bhattacharya. 'Ultimately, the couple 'fit' well because they choose to be respectful, engaged and invested in the relationship.'
Machin says 'anything that focuses people down so closely on one attribute is detrimental'. A list of checkpoints, she says, is not the best way to choose a partner. 'Ultimately, in long-term relationships, it is who someone is at their core – their beliefs, values, personality, creativity, ambitions – that we fall in love with and is the best predictor of compatibility.'
Jenny, 40, who is 5ft 10in and from Sacramento, California, believes that prioritising height is a 'remnant of caveman days when you had to rely on someone larger than yourself to protect you and your offspring'. Her husband, whom she met at work, is 5ft 7in – but height, she says, is just a number. 'I'd prefer someone shorter who protects me emotionally and provides psychological safety,' she says. 'I say kill your filters, online and in person – let life surprise you in the best way.'
Some people featured in this article responded to a community callout. You can contribute to open callouts here