‘Why would my beloved adopted son attack me?'– Dr Louise answers your questions

News24

2 days ago

I adopted my son when he was a baby. He grew up in a loving home and we always made sure he was treated the same as our two daughters and that he felt loved and cherished.
As he grew up, he became cheeky and got involved with kids who used drugs and told him his parents do not really care about him because he is adopted. He also started using drugs, despite our advice not to.
A few months ago he woke me up early in the morning and asked me to take him somewhere. I said I would take him later in the day since it was still dark. He also asked me for money, which I refused. He then physically abused me and attacked me with a knife. I was told I was lucky to survive the attack.
Why would he turn on me – the mother who has loved and cared for him since his birth, while his own biological mother discarded him and left him to die in the street when he was a baby?
Rhonda, email
Dr Louise
The problem with drugs is that they have a profound negative influence on cognitive functioning, making it difficult to control anti-social and criminal impulses. They can also change someone's personality from loving to aggressive, demanding and controlling.
The type of drugs your son was taking likely had this effect on him. It didn't help that his friends told him his adoptive parents don't care about him. This overrode the values that you tried to instil in him while he was growing up, replacing them with feelings of entitlement and the belief he can control you and do anything he wants to get what he wants. Unfortunately, he will now have to face the consequences of his actions.
There's also genetics to consider. Genes are passed down from biological parents and these determine not only physiological traits but can also influence other aspects of development, including temperament and behaviour, regardless of upbringing.
I ALWAYS TAKE THE INITIATIVE
I love my boyfriend – he is a kind and gentle man, but very introverted. The problem is I am always the one telling him I love him, and only then will he say he loves me too. I am the one always giving him compliments like telling him how sexy he is, but he never tells me what he thinks about me except now and then when he tells me I look beautiful to him.
This is getting me down because I feel that everything comes from me and he only reciprocates when I say something nice to him. How can I change this?
Ronel, email
Dr Louise
Unfortunately, introverts tend to live in their own minds and may often think positive things about people but don't express them because they're shy or think it's not appropriate. But it's not nice to be the one who always takes the lead.
You might catch him staring at you thoughtfully. When that happens, encourage him to express his thoughts and not hold back. You will find that many times it will be something complimentary about you.
Continue to say positive things to him as this will encourage him to do the same. But be patient – it's difficult to change an entrenched personality trait.
Humility is the foundation of all virtues
Chinese philosopher Confucius
ARE MY PARENTS UNREALISTIC?
I studied marketing for three years at university and now find it very difficult to get a job. Any work I do find in my area of expertise pays little when you take into account that I am a graduate.
I expected to be paid at least R40 000 a month, but they are only willing to pay me R30 000. I have no work experience and studied directly after I completed matric.
My parents tell me I am worth much more than that and that I should let my degree now earn money for me, but they seem a bit unrealistic about what is available out there. What do you think?
Ann, email
Dr Louise
Unfortunately, employment is scarce, and you are lucky to find a job without any work experience. The job market is now an employer's market as there are many people with your degree and with work experience who have been retrenched due to the poor economy. They are in a better proposition as they won't need as much training as a graduate would.
It would be wise to accept the position you have been offered so you can gain some experience. Once you have experience you can look around for a position that pays more.
Unfortunately, even with a degree, one must start at the bottom and work one's way up, earning the respect of an employer through good work and good values.