Is 'Princess Treatment' Actually A Good Relationship Goal — Or Is It Just Gross?

Yahoo

4 hours ago

The 'princess treatment' TikTok dating trend has been making the rounds for the past year or so. It's mostly been pretty harmless, consisting of women showing off the romantic things their partners do for them — buying them flowers, surprising them with a home-cooked meal or giving them their jacket when they're cold.
Recently, though, one creator has been making a lot of noise online with her incredibly divisive videos about her specific version of the princess treatment. Courtney Palmer, who goes by @courtney_joelle on TikTok, has become known as 'the princess treatment lady' in various (derogatory) comments and stitch responses to her original posts.
Though Palmer has been posting about the 'princess treatment' for months, she went viral more recently for two specific videos — one where she shares she doesn't tie her own shoelaces and waits for her husband to do so, and one where she explains that she doesn't speak to waitstaff when she's at a restaurant with her husband. All of this, Palmer claims, is done in an attempt to be more 'feminine' and let her husband be more 'masculine' by contrast.
Predictably, the internet has had a strong reaction to Palmer's claims: 'It's giving cult or hostage situation,' one user commented on her restaurant video. 'Refusing to speak to, look at or aknowledge [sic] the hostess, server & others you encounter is just plain rude,' wrote someone else. 'Do you bring home a take out box for Offred?' asked a third person, referencing 'The Handmaid's Tale.'
Still, based on the number of likes her videos get, and the earnest questions she receives from followers, it's clear not everyone is here to hate-watch. The tradwife aesthetic Palmer is promoting has been attracting more and more women lately — you just have to look at the success of creators like Nara Smith and Hannah Neeleman to see how a paired-back life and extra-entrenched gender roles have become aspirational online.
While there's nothing wrong with a woman staying at home should she choose (and have the resources) to do so, trends like the tradwife or princess treatment ones can quickly turn into something darker — just like the #girlboss trend did before them.
'Right off the bat, I can see how the idea of 'princess treatment' could appeal to women who want their male partners to be more romantic and take more initiative in making them feel special — in other words, traditional courtship,' Genesis Games, LMHC, a therapist, relationship expert, and founder of Healing Connections said. 'There's a difference, though, between clearly expressing reasonable expectations — like asking your partner to make dinner reservations, bring you flowers once a week or open doors for you — and completely making yourself small and helpless in your partner's presence.'
For Games, Palmer is leaning far too heavily in the latter direction for comfort.
Blaine Anderson, a matchmaker, dating coach and founder of Dating by Blaine, said she's not personally interested in replicating the kind of relationship Palmer has with her husband, but she doesn't think that in itself is a cause for concern. It's up to each of us to decide what dynamics feel good to us in a relationship, and if that includes a fairly extreme version of 'princess treatment,' Anderson suggests, that's fine, as long as it's mutually agreed upon.
'For all I know, the princess dynamic [Palmer] describes observing with her husband may actually work — and even feel healthy — for their relationship,' Anderson said. 'They're both adults, the dynamic sounds consensual, and she implies they both enjoy it. Her version of princess treatment sounds weird to me, but that doesn't necessarily make it unhealthy for her or her husband.'
For Games, the dynamic that Palmer describes in her videos plays on heavily 'scripted' gender roles, which are derived from patriarchal norms. 'That's not to say traditional gender roles can't work for some people — they absolutely can. But for many, they don't,' Games said. 'Deeply rigid, traditional gender roles that leave no room for flexibility often harm both women and men. Men, in particular, are left without the space to navigate their feelings, ask for help, or simply show up as their authentic selves.'
No matter how much you choose to follow traditional gender roles in your relationship, 'No one should feel silenced, dismissed, overburdened or overwhelmed,' Games adds.
Meanwhile, Sabrina Zohar, a dating coach who is herself big on TikTok, isn't a fan of the patriarchal values built into the princess treatment trend, period.
'Think about what a princess actually represents — someone who inherited status through their father, not through their own accomplishments,' Zohar said. 'When adult women aspire to 'princess treatment,' they're essentially aspiring to powerlessness.'
For Zohar, this trend feels less like a question of 'masculinity' vs. 'femininity,' and more like a way for people to cope with widespread burnout from all their responsibilities in an increasingly complex and scary world. 'I get it — when you're overwhelmed, the fantasy of someone else handling everything is appealing,' she said. 'But that's exactly what makes this trend so insidious. It's packaging escapism as romance. Instead of addressing why people are so desperate to opt out of their own lives, we're romanticizing dependency.'
The problem with the 'princess treatment' taken too far isn't just the way it exploits antiquated gender roles, but also that it makes power imbalances seem desirable in a relationship.
'This trend is concerning because it's fundamentally based on an unbalanced dynamic,' Zohar said. 'The entire premise of 'princess treatment' relies on one partner anticipating needs while the other remains passive. When does that ever happen in real life?'
For Zohar, the trend amounts to women wanting to be 'saved' from all their problems, rather than recognizing that they're perfectly capable of handling the minutiae of their daily lives. 'When we buy into this princess fantasy, we're not just setting ourselves up for disappointment — we're actively avoiding the personal growth that comes from handling our own lives.'
It's not that romantic gestures aren't acceptable; of course they are. It's just that the 'princess treatment' framing is problematic from a relational health perspective. 'It creates this dynamic where one partner is the constant giver and the other is the constant receiver,' Zohar adds. 'That's not sustainable, and more importantly, it's not actually fulfilling for either person.'
Love and care can be shown in many different ways — just because your partner isn't the best at buying you little gifts or opening the car door for you doesn't mean it's not a great relationship. And trends like this can make it messier to tell what is actually a realistic expectation to have for your relationship.
'The actual bare minimum should be mutual respect and effort, not one-sided service,' Zohar said. 'Real relationships require both people to show up, communicate their needs and work together. But that's not what goes viral. Instead, we get these curated moments that make people think their partner is failing if they're not constantly anticipating and serving.'
Meanwhile, Games suggests that many creators who promote the 'princess treatment' are much wealthier than average. 'Many of them live in financial circumstances far removed from everyday reality, which can lead young women to believe that all men should be able to pay for monthly beauty routines, cover every dinner out, and buy designer bags just because,' Games said. 'This deeply skews young women's perceptions of what dating — or even marriage — should look like.'
This is dangerous for men, too, who might come to believe that 'they have to 'earn' the right to be loved,' Games said. 'I worry that young men might not even 'shoot their shot,' as they say, because they feel they're not worthy if they can't afford a first date at Nobu. And I worry that young women might overlook partners who could be truly compatible simply because their expectations have been pushed far beyond reality.'
Many people online have likened Palmer's version of the princess treatment to a dominant/submissive (D/s) kink, or even to a daddy dom/little girl (DD/LG) kink. But for all three experts we spoke to, that read is reductive: 'I can absolutely see 'princess treatment' fitting into a D/s dynamic or kink context; however, people don't live their entire lives in kink mode,' Games said. 'So if you engage in some of these submissive behaviors from time to time because it turns you and your partner on — keep on keeping on! But living in a highly scripted, one-sided dynamic day in and day out, that's where my concern lies.'
Anderson understands how the princess treatment trend could be interpreted as related to a D/s dynamic, but doesn't think it really fits the bill. 'Women demanding princess treatment clearly expect to set the tone in their relationships — that's a dominant posture, even if these women are unaware of it, or the 'princess treatment' label implies otherwise,' Anderson said. 'In a real D/s relationship, the submissive isn't making demands.'
Zohar, meanwhile, is deeply wary of calling this trend a kink. 'In genuine D/s dynamics, there's explicit negotiation, clear boundaries, and most importantly — consent and awareness from both parties about the power exchange,' she said. 'What we're seeing with 'princess treatment' isn't that. It's not a consciously chosen dynamic with safe words and check-ins. It's people unconsciously recreating unequal power structures and calling it romance.'
Zohar emphasizes that exploring genuine kinks is a totally valid desire, but that it's a very different phenomenon from the one we're seeing in the princess treatment trend. 'The princess treatment trend isn't about consensual power exchange; it's about avoiding adult responsibility and calling it romance,' Zohar said. 'When we confuse the two, we're not just misunderstanding kink — we're using it as an excuse to avoid questioning why so many people want to opt out of being equal partners in their own relationships.'
Zohar can't see the 'princess treatment' dynamic ever working in a healthy way. 'Healthy relationships involve reciprocal care, not one person being served,' she said. 'What would be healthy is both partners making each other feel valued through their actions — and that includes both giving and receiving. It's about partnership, not performance.'
Games suggests making a version of 'princess treatment' work for your relationship by sharing the small gestures that mean a lot to you with your partner. 'Consider how realistic it is for your partner to engage in them, and how frequently. Also, be curious about what makes your partner feel special and learn the meaning behind those gestures for them. Let your partner know whether their expectations feel reasonable and work together to find a compromise.'
At the end of the day, it's about finding the right balance. 'While chivalry and romantic gestures are beautiful, there's no need to veer into extremes where women are encouraged to make themselves small and fade into the background in the presence of men,' Games said. 'There absolutely is a reality where women can show up as their full, authentic selves without emasculating men. That's what we should be striving for.'
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