6 communication tips to help fix a mental load imbalance in a relationship
Kid's doctor appointment? Booked. Their shoe size? Memorized. School supplies? Added to cart. These small tasks tell a bigger story about the constant, quiet work of raising kids that happens behind the scenes. And for many families, the mental load of anticipating and planning what everyone needs often falls on the mom's shoulders.
In the 11th episode of their podcast, After Bedtime With Big Little Feelings, Big Little Feelings founders Deena Margolin, a child therapist specializing in interpersonal neurobiology, and Kristin Gallant, a parenting coach with a background in maternal and child education, discuss the parts of motherhood that feel isolating and chaotic, how to let go of perfection and actually give yourself a break. In this edition of Yahoo's "" column, Margolin talks about the many unseen and unrecognized tasks that moms typically take on, which can create both resentment and burnout. Margolin also shares six simple ways to communicate the mental load you're carrying with your partner so you can team up and help turn things around, as well as the advice she'd give to moms who are trying to do it all.
Ever feel like your brain has 52 tabs open and you're juggling back and forth between all of them? That's the mental load of moms: the constant, invisible work of planning, managing and worrying about a family's needs, and it's often done without recognition — or relief. As Cameron Rogers, founder and host of the 'Conversations with Cam' podcast, puts it: 'You still are never not thinking about it all.'
So what does the mental load of moms look like? Here are some examples:
Planning and remembering: Staying on top of birthdays for family, friends and classmates; scheduling doctor appointments; planning meals and grocery lists; organizing school calendars; sizing up in shoes and clothes when kids have outgrown them; and tracking kids' social-emotional needs are all examples of the running lists, and evolving information that may be swirling inside a mom brain.
Anticipating and problem-solving: This can mean everything from anticipating your kid's heading for a meltdown and doing what you can to mitigate it to adjusting the day's plans when your kid wakes up sick. It's prepping backup clothes, snacks or activities for your children and packing (and unpacking) for family trips.
Household management: It's restocking the toothpaste, toilet paper and snacks; dealing with laundry needs and changing the bedding; cleaning and maintaining the home; and paying bills and budgeting.
Childcare and emotional labor: This includes managing bedtime routines and middle-of-the-night sleep struggles; being your child's 'emotional thermostat' and helping them regulate themselves; teaching values, coping skills and boundaries; and tracking friendship dynamics, class changes and anxiety triggers.
Work and school overlap: A tricky part of parenting is managing work deadlines while coordinating child care pickups and drop-offs; keeping track of school projects; communicating with teachers and volunteering at your kid's school — all while balancing career growth and family needs, often at your own expense.
Self-silencing and invisible logistics: It's silently absorbing the 'default parent' role; downplaying your own burnout to avoid rocking the boat; and saying to yourself, 'If I don't do it, it won't get done.'
6 ways to communicate about the mental load with your partner
Feeling stretched thin? It's time to have a chat with your partner. Try these practical tips to shift the balance and avoid burnout:
Pick the right moment. Not mid-meltdown or middle of bedtime chaos. A calm, neutral time when you're both regulated, such as during a walk or a car ride or schedule time for after kids are asleep.
Use 'I' statements, not blame. The goal is connection and teamwork, not defensiveness. Try things like, 'I feel overwhelmed because I'm tracking so much behind the scenes.' And, 'I need us to be a team here, and right now, I'm carrying more than I can handle. Let's work together to figure out a system that works for both of us.'
Explain what the mental load is. They may not know! 'It's not just the tasks I do — it's the invisible work of thinking about them, planning, remembering, anticipating, worrying and following through start to finish.' And: 'Even when I'm off the clock, my mind isn't.'
Give concrete examples. Here are some ideas: 'When school emails come in, I'm the one who reads them, adds events to the calendar, figures out who's bringing what to the party.' Or 'I don't just make the dinner — I also track groceries, plan meals and remember what the kids will actually eat while balancing new exposure foods.'
Ask for full ownership, not 'help.' Because 'help' implies it's your job by default. 'I'd like you to fully take over X — from start to finish. That includes noticing when it needs to happen, making a plan and following through.'
Revisit and recalibrate often. It's not a one-and-done conversation. Schedule a monthly 'house meeting' to check in on what's working and what's not. This isn't about perfection — it's about equity and teamwork.
The biggest help for me was handing over certain tasks to my husband that he deals with from start to finish, which means I have to be comfortable with things not being done exactly how I'd do them! My house also looks like kids live in it — I've let go of evening tidying and instead I find some time to clean up with my kids — it's something we do together. But overall, my house looks very lived in and not perfect, which I totally understand gives certain people anxiety.
I also keep in mind that some balls are glass and some are plastic — meaning, choose what you're OK to drop in this chapter of life, knowing it will change as your kids grow and your family needs change too.
10 things I'd say to moms to help lighten the load
If I could hand a cheat sheet to moms on how to manage the mental load, here's what would be on it:
You can't carry it all — don't try.
Write down your tasks. All of them. (Out of your head = less overwhelm.)
Delegate the whole task — not just pieces of it.
Ask for ownership, not 'help.'
Let go of perfection. Done is enough.
Use systems such as calendars, routines and shared lists.
You don't have to earn rest. Take it.
Resentment is a red flag — listen to it.
Mental load is real, and it's valid.
You deserve a partner, not another dependent.
Solve the daily Crossword
Hashtags
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Fox News
an hour ago
- Fox News
Majority of Gen Z admits to bringing parents to a job interview
Campus Reform reporter Emily Sturge breaks down a new survey revealing how much Gen Z is relying on their parents to help them get a job and complete work assignments.
New York Times
an hour ago
- New York Times
One Way to Retire With Friends
When I drove through the electric gate and into The Bird's Nest, a retirement community in East Texas, I felt as if I had entered a fairy village. One of the tiny homes was pink with white polka dots. Another was surrounded by towering sunflowers. Nine dogs roamed freely. Eleven women, most of them single, live there. They tend the grounds themselves, planting gardens and laying pipe. They're trying to create what so many people seem to want in their later years: privacy and autonomy, caring and mutual support, friendship and laughs. I recently visited The Bird's Nest to learn about the community these women have made and the solutions it offers for the problems of loneliness and affordability so many of us wish we could creatively avoid. Here's what I found. An uncluttered life When Robyn Yerian founded The Bird's Nest back in 2022, affordability was her main concern. Yerian — divorced, mother of two, now 70 years old — was 'out of options,' she told me. She lived and worked in Dallas and couldn't retire comfortably on what she had. Her problem was a common one. According to the AARP, 64 percent of single, working American women ages 50 to 64 have less than $50,000 in retirement savings. (That's true for around 50 percent of men.) Want all of The Times? Subscribe.
Yahoo
an hour ago
- Yahoo
Officials struggle to contain surprisingly destructive wild animals: 'Can be the most aggressive or dangerous of all animals you might encounter'
Officials struggle to contain surprisingly destructive wild animals: 'Can be the most aggressive or dangerous of all animals you might encounter' An aggressive and destructive invasive species has wreaked havoc on many communities in California, and officials are scrambling to contain the situation. What's happening? As reported by SFGATE, wild pigs have become one of the most widespread invasive species in the state. With populations in 56 of California's 58 counties, wild pigs have been impacting vulnerable ecosystems and interfering with agricultural operations for decades. According to recent estimates, there are between 200,000 and 400,000 wild pigs in the state. Aaron Hebert, a natural resources manager for the Santa Clara Valley Open Space Authority, detailed why wild pigs have garnered increased attention from wildlife experts in recent years. "From a public standpoint, pigs, in some ways, can be the most aggressive or dangerous of all animals you might encounter in our area," Hebert told SFGATE. Hebert revealed that there were two separate reports of wild pig encounters with people around the Santa Clara Valley in 2024. While neither of these encounters resulted in injuries, the potential for bodily harm has experts worried. Why is the wild pig population important? Wild pigs, also known as feral swine, are considered an invasive species in many parts of the world, including North America. Originating from parts of Europe and North Africa, wild pigs can cause significant ecological and economic damage. They are able to consume large amounts of vegetation while destroying plants with their propensity to root. This can negatively impact native species and even crops in the region. Cassie Bednar, a natural resource program coordinator for Santa Clara County Parks, noted the damage that wild pigs are able to inflict on the region. "They're basically rototilling the land," Bednar said, per SFGATE. "They can be really devastating to those resources." With their large size, overwhelming strength, and surprising speed, wild pigs are known to charge toward anything or anyone that is perceived as a threat. They can often be very territorial and protective of their young. What's being done about wild pigs in California? In an attempt to keep the wild pigs at bay, wildlife experts have deployed a number of deterrents. Vince Bruzzone, owner of Full Boar Trapping & Wildlife Control, has been paid nearly $250,000 by the Santa Clara Valley Open Space Authority to tackle the wild pig population head-on. Unfortunately, many of Bruzzone's methods have proved ineffective. "Vials of coyote urine, high-pitched sound devices, motion lights — you name it," Bruzzone revealed to SFGATE. "Short of full exclusion with expensive fencing, very little truly stops a wild pig once it's set on finding food." In 2022, California Gov. Gavin Newsom signed SB-856 into law. It focused on managing wild pig populations throughout the state by lifting restrictions on hunting wild pigs, allowing for better population control and habitat management. Do you think America does a good job of protecting its natural beauty? Definitely Only in some areas No way I'm not sure Click your choice to see results and speak your mind. Join our free newsletter for good news and useful tips, and don't miss this cool list of easy ways to help yourself while helping the planet.
