Adam Nicolson: ‘Our small home is made of oak trees from 1590'
When my first marriage ended — and feeling, as one does, pretty broken by it — I came to live with my now wife, Sarah Raven, in Hammersmith, west London. It was a lovely house but I couldn't bear living there. I felt sterilised by living in London and persuaded Sarah that we should find a place that was beautiful to be in — and that's what Perch Hill was. It's embedded in a belt of ancient woodland in the Sussex Weald and you feel protected. Our small house is made of the oak trees that were cut down from the surrounding fields in 1590. That feeling of rootedness was magic for me in 1994.
Nobody would have chosen it except us. A friend said:
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The Sun
4 hours ago
- The Sun
How to get your partner to do MORE around the house – in 5 simple steps that might just save your relationship
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'There are deep dynamics at play, plus feelings of unfairness and unappreciation, which can develop into resentment,' she says. So why can't you just divvy up tasks equally? You've probably already tried that, only to become more annoyed when said tasks are left undone. It's time to take a new approach to make habits stick. Start here. . . UNDERSTAND THE MENTAL LOAD 6 One of the most frustrating things that women feel about carrying the mental load is that their partner just doesn't 'get it'. But even women themselves don't always fully appreciate the toll of carrying the mental load, because it might have become their norm. The mental load can be broken down into three areas: The physical: The most visible part of the mental load (doing the dishes, the laundry) that people can mistake for being the only part. The cognitive: Tasks that require mental effort, such as organising playdates, writing shopping lists, planning dinner, remembering to respond to emails, sign forms and general decision-making. The emotional: The weight carried by managing the experiences of family members, thinking about the implications of every decision, taking on the burden when they go wrong, trying to regulate your own emotional responses… The stakes feel high, and it never ends. Relationship expert shares three tell-tale signs your relationship is falling apart 'The triple threat is where these overlap, and that's what men don't always understand,' says Morgan. For example, knowing or predicting what needs to be done (mental), carrying that task out (physical), and evaluating the toll or outcome that action could have (emotional). This can even apply to something as simple as making dinner! TAKE THE INITIATIVE 6 Of course, in an ideal world, our partners would simply take the initiative themselves, but as any of us who have tried – and failed – to get our other halves to step up will know, it's not always that simple. 'I understand the righteous anger so many women feel,' says Morgan. 'But I'm also a believer in the end goal, and that is to have a fairer, more equitable relationship where you both feel loved and supported, and your home life is shared between the two of you.' To get that, she advises being clear about what you need. 'You could say: 'Tomorrow is a busy morning, so I'd like you to take care of the kids' packed lunches. Do you have any questions?' It's a way of your partner taking on something that you would normally handle, making something invisible visible, and increasing their knowledge when they ask how something is done. Your partner can't take the initiative if they don't know how your home functions, or your kids' preferences.' 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Usually this stems from the other partner 'being defensive, dismissive, or minimising the reality of the situation by saying things like: 'You make it harder than you need to', or: 'Your expectations are too high', and it ends up with an argument about who's more exhausted,' warns Morgan. 'The reality is we often have this ideal that we wish for our relationship, but we are not treating one another in a way that gets us to that outcome. "So, we have to bring that to the surface. Ask your partner: 'What do you wish it was like to be in this relationship together?' "And then follow it up with: 'So, what are you willing to do to help us get there?'' LEARN TO BE A TEAM 6 Morgan recommends regular SHARE (Scheduled Home and Relationship Effort) meetings. 'It is a chance to touch base about the responsibilities in your home, how fair things are feeling, how your sex life is, how you're supporting each other and so on. They become part of the natural rhythm of your relationship, which helps to diffuse a lot of the anxiety that having these types of conversations can create.' It might feel awkward – and that's OK! Try to have a laugh about it, too. 'Remember, the mental load needs to be the villain in the story,' says Morgan. 'My goal is for couples to have a deeper and clearer perspective on one another's experiences, because when they understand and feel aligned with one another, they can start to view the mental load as the enemy and each other as teammates.' A Better Share: How Couples Can Tackle The Mental Load For More Fun, Less Resentment And Great Sex by Dr Morgan Cutlip is out July 3 (£20, Thomas Nelson).
The Independent
6 hours ago
- The Independent
Single Lotto ticket holder wins £4 million jackpot
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The Sun
8 hours ago
- The Sun
Lottery results and numbers: Lotto and Thunderball draw tonight, June 7, 2025
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