I burned out working at consulting firms like KPMG and became a stay-at-home dad. I feel some guilt, but I'm glad I left.

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a day ago

Nicholas Gilpin and his wife decided he would leave his full-time job to care for their first child.
A second kid and three years later, Gilpin has felt guilt for not providing as much financially.
He said the reward of raising his sons outweighs those feelings, and he's glad to be there for them.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Nicholas Gilpin, a 38-year-old stay-at-home dad and entrepreneur from Fair Oaks, California. The following has been edited for length and clarity.
I never planned to be a stay-at-home dad.
When I was an information technology consultant at KPMG, there were some weeks when I worked almost 100 hours across all seven days.
Now, I spend those hours with my sons — a very different environment. Almost three years since becoming a full-time stay-at-home dad, I'm glad to invest this time I can't get back with my sons.
We didn't take our sons' births for granted
At KPMG, the burnout was relentless. I managed million-dollar technology implementations and worked nonstop. In late 2021, I joined Crossfuze, a consulting company, as a project manager and worked there for a little over a year.
In 2022, my wife and I were expecting our first child, and her pregnancy needed more attention from us both. She was also working full-time as a case manager at a health insurance company, but needed to take time off before the birth to keep up with doctor's visits.
Supporting my wife and keeping up with client demands became too much. We felt it made sense for me to take a break from working, so two weeks before my first son was born, I clocked out of the corporate world and clocked in as a full-time dad.
We'd spent years trying to have children, and the months of visits to the doctor's offices took an immense emotional and mental toll on both my wife and me. So, when our first son was born through IVF, and our second two years later naturally, it was a gift we didn't want to take for granted.
Having a parent at home is worth more than a second paycheck
At Crossfuze, I was making $135,000 a year before my son was born. That loss of salary didn't play a large part in my transition to being a full-time dad, though. We'd always planned for one of us to stay home with the kids. Ultimately, we saw having a parent home as more valuable than maintaining two full-time incomes.
We didn't want to outsource parenting. We don't know what a day care or babysitter might be teaching our kids, and the time spent driving them to and from those programs may negate the benefit of sending them there in the first place.
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I'm with my boys every hour of the day, and sometimes, we sleep in the same room throughout the night. My first son is almost 3 years old now, so he requires much more attention and play time, while my other son, almost 6 months old now, spends more time with his mom.
I take care of 70 to 80% of the daytime responsibilities, and my wife takes care of our family when she's not working. She's the most active with our boys in the evenings and weekends.
I feel guilty for not providing as much
Thankfully, my wife and I worked hard early in our careers, and she can support us through her private mental health counseling practice. We also bought a duplex and rented out half of it to help cover our mortgage.
We've really had to get intentional about what matters most. Personally, I don't buy anything unless it's essential — supplements, a gym membership, and basic toiletries. We rarely go out to eat, and I cook nearly all of our meals at home. My mom has also helped provide essentials for our boys, and my wife's parents have contributed financially since our youngest was born.
We're making it work — but every dollar has a job.
A part of me wants to rebuild my career to support my family more financially. Society's expectation for fathers has always hinged on them being providers. While this era of parents is evolving away from stereotypical parenting roles, I still feel a sense of guilt for not providing as much while our sons grow up.
I have to remind myself that I'm doing enough for my family through the hours of spending time with them, potty training, going on walks around the neighborhood, playing in the backyard, and making them breakfast.
This has been my biggest challenge when trying to have it all as a dad.
Being a stay-at-home dad can sometimes feel isolating
I spent most of my adult life connecting with clients, working on projects, and advancing my career. I've invested heavily in my skills throughout my career and obtained my MBA.
When it's just my sons and me during the week, I lack the adult conversations I was used to. It can feel isolating, and like I'm regressing in my career or missing out on the latest tech advancements.
A month after my first son was born, ChatGPT was released to the public. Seeing the way AI has been implemented to outsource work, code, and handle menial tasks around the office makes me feel like I'm missing out on a major tech advancement in my field.
But staying home has also given me the space to build my own business and work on the book I'm writing, "Thriving Dad," during my sons' naps or after their bedtimes.
AI models have leveled the playing field for entrepreneurs like me as I try to rebuild my career a couple of hours at a time, since 100% of my day is invested in my boys.
I use ChatGPT as a personal assistant to help manage all the tasks and coding I want to get done during the day, and chip away at the business I want to sculpt.
Balancing my time between childcare, spending time with my wife, and rebuilding my career is a challenge.
I'm grateful to be able to give my sons what I didn't have
I find spending time with my sons incredibly rewarding. I grew up without a father in my life, and I consider the time I spend with my sons to be unfulfilled time I didn't have with my father. In a way, I'm kind of winging it.
Time is invaluable when children are young, and I want to pour this experience into my sons while I stay home.
While it's difficult to pinpoint the most rewarding experience of being a dad, recently, my oldest said, "I love you, daddy," for the first time. That hit me hard.
Seeing these milestones for both of them and seeing parts of myself in them, I am immensely grateful to give them what I couldn't have and what I needed as a child. When I look at my boys, I see a lot of love every single day.
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Read the original article on Business Insider
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