Do you fall in love hard and fast? Three signs you're an emophiliac – & five ways to break the destructive lust cycle

The Irish Sun

5 days ago

FROM falling hard and fast to ignoring red flags, why emophilia could be your toxic dating trait.
Have you ever been on a first date and felt like you've met your soulmate?
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From falling hard and fast to ignoring red flags, why emophilia could be your toxic dating trait
Credit: getty
If this happens often, you may have emophilia, AKA a tendency to fall in love quickly and with just about anyone.
And experts warn it can have a negative impact on mental health, leaving people vulnerable and trapped in toxic relationships, or see them darting from one relationship to the next, constantly chasing the thrill of early attraction or that feeling of falling in love.
'When you first fall for someone, you get that rush of the feel-good hormone, serotonin,' says Sarah Louise Ryan, dating and relationship expert, matchmaker and psychotherapist.
'This phase of romantic love is really the rose-tinted glasses phase. You are falling for the newness of these just-discovered feelings, just as much as you're falling for the actual person. This is because new and different people bring out different parts of us.'
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There's nothing wrong with these emotions, though they do simmer down as we build a relationship.
'In reality, when that spark fades, that is when the real relationship begins,' says Sarah.
'But those with emophilia don't ever want that feeling to fizzle out, which can lead them into a volatile position romantically. They either never fully commit and move on to the next partner, or they date multiple people to discover who they have the biggest spark with, all in search of the rush.'
The emotional fallout from this pattern can be huge.
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The good news is it's possible to stop and change your thinking and actions.
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Love At First Sight?
But whatever happened to 'love at first sight', you might wonder?
Genuine love at first sight is an instant attraction to someone you might share common values with, find intriguing and are physically attracted to.
It can be with someone who feels safe and calm.
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But emophilia is falling in love with the feeling of lust, attention, validation and connection, rather than the person.
'That need for attachment can be intoxicating, but it's important to get to know the person you've fallen for on a deeper level,' Sarah says.
'You will feel anxiety when you're not getting that serotonin burst, but if you follow these steps before becoming emotionally attached so quickly, you'll feel better.'
When Emophilia Becomes a Problem
At a time when the dating world feels dire and 'true love' is hard to find, is it really all that bad if someone is so open to connection?
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The issue is that when emophiliacs fall, they tend not to question the relationship's long-term goals, values or red flags.
This can make them either more likely to jump ship or get stuck in a relationship that was doomed from the start.
'Falling for risky partners may seem appealing, but it can be dangerous when their aim is manipulation and destruction,' explains Sarah.
'People with emophilia can be attracted to narcissists, who may lovebomb a new partner by showing excessive amounts of affection and attention. This would be ideal for a person with emophilia. Because they think they're in love, emophiliacs are likely to overlook warnings or advice, even from trusted family and friends. However, when red flags aren't addressed, over time they can become more problematic.'
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Why Do you Fall so Hard?
Though the exact cause of emophilia is unknown, there are several possible theories.
'It is thought that low serotonin levels in the brain may contribute,' says Sarah.
Serotonin is also implicated in conditions including depression and obsessive compulsive disorder (
'Some people may also be hypersensitive to oxytocin,' adds Sarah.
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Also known as the love hormone, oxytocin creates feelings of trust and a desire to care.
Falling in love quickly is also a shared experience of people with ADHD, which may be linked with the disorder's symptoms of impulsivity.
But it may just be a personality trait.
For some, there is excitement to be found in the chaos, and boredom in the monotony.
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FIVE WAYS TO BREAK UP WITH EMOPHILIA
Overcoming the need to chase the rush of falling for someone isn't easy, as many of our relationship desires are ingrained.
'I would ask an emophiliac: 'Is it working for you?'", Sarah says.
'If the answer is yes, and you're happy flitting from one relationship to another, keep doing what you are doing. If the answer is no, I'd recommend these tips.'
1. Go Cold Turkey
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If you are a serial dater, go cold turkey – including no sex or romantic relations – to focus on yourself.
Discover the qualities you like in yourself and note the ways in which you are capable without having a significant other.
Then, pick up conscious dating when the time is right.
'When you find the confidence to make the right choices, you will no longer let your drive for a feeling choose for you,' says Sarah.
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'It will be hard work, but worth it.'
2. Spot The Red Flags
Some red flags are universal.
For example, a lack of respect or signs of attempting to control another person.
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However, others will be more specific to you.
For example, how do you feel about their financial situation, living arrangements, family set-up or beliefs?
It's easy for a friend to say: 'That's a red flag', but ask yourself if it really is for you.
Write down your deal-breakers, then ensure when connecting with someone that you ask the questions that will unveil these warning signs.
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3. Note What Hasn't Worked
Sit back and really think about the patterns you have fallen into with each romantic partner.
What happened? Where did it go wrong? Self-awareness is important in the decision-making process.
If necessary, write out an action plan for the next time someone catches your attention.
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4. Listen To Friends
You may get so caught up in the rush of a new partner that you forget the concerns of those closest to you.
Take time to speak to a family member or friend who knows you well and has historically given you honest advice.
Run through any worries or ask for feedback on new partners.
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Your friends don't have to love or even like your partner, but if they have concerns about them, it's worth hearing them.
This can be a failing for people with emophilia, who can only see the positives of a new crush.
5. Consult A Therapist
Therapists or counsellors can help you to understand and manage emophilia.
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'Therapists help bring you into the here and now and find internal validation, rather than seeking external validation from others,' says Sarah.
'That means that those with emophilia can consciously connect with themselves and with others when dating.'