At 34, I moved from New York City to the Midwest to live with my parents. I was struggling to find a job, and I feel less independent now.
It's been an adjustment to get used to living in the Midwest again after living on my own in NYC.
I don't have to pay rent, but I'm navigating job hunting with less independence than I had before.
As I stood in my packed-up Brooklyn apartment, a rush of feelings overcame me. Shame. Embarrassment. Frustration. All the feelings I'd come to associate with moving in with my parents at the age of 34.
After living on my own post-college for more than a decade, I never thought I'd be back living with my parents while looking for work. And while I'm grateful for a place to land, I'm struggling with my independence.
And now, since moving back to my hometown of Ann Arbor, Michigan — a place I haven't called home since I was 18 — at the beginning of June, I've been experiencing a whole new set of emotions as I navigate job hunting in this current market. All while feeling like I'm losing any semblance of self-sufficiency.
Moving back home was the best decision for me right now
I had called New York my home for two years. Before that, I'd lived in California for nearly a decade; moving back to the Midwest was not my first choice. Why would I want to give up my community, my hobbies, the endless things to see and do in the city, to go back to a small town while living under my parents' roof?
But I'd been struggling to get freelance work or find a full-time job in the last few months, and living with my parents while subletting my room in New York for the summer would alleviate some financial stress. In doing so, though, I ended up trading one stress for another. While I didn't have to worry about paying rent, I felt like I was regressing to the last time I'd been at home, not to mention that job hunting is already stressful enough.
The move came with unexpected changes
Moving home has come with a bit of an adjustment period. I went from choosing how to spend my time, where I go, and not having to let anyone know what I'm up to (beyond for my own safety), to now having to coordinate with two other people's schedules if I want to borrow a car and answer well-meaning but persistent questions about my plans.
In my life in New York, I could plan my meals based on my schedule and grab groceries at my convenience. Now, I rely on whatever food is available in my parents' refrigerator and eat whatever my mom cooks for dinner.
I also don't have the luxury of controlling the environment that I'm working from. Noise-canceling headphones only work so well when your parents often have conversations from across the house, yell questions up the stairs to you, bang pots and pans around, and just generally interrupt your workflow. Case in point: I planned to write this article from home, but changed plans and relocated to a coffee shop simply because of the noise.
I'm finding silver linings to my situation
Of course, I'm grateful that I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I know many people don't have the option of living with their parents if they lose their job.
But that doesn't mean I'm not still struggling with my present reality.
In some ways, my current situation isn't all that different from when I lived here as a teenager. The biggest difference is that I've had a taste of living life on my terms and making my own choices regarding schedule, transportation, food, and more. My definition of independence has shifted, and now, living here, it's shifting again.
I'm trying to maintain the daily schedule and healthy habits I had when I was in New York. Things like working out in the morning, eating a healthy breakfast, and then sitting down to work until 5 p.m. or so have been helpful. I'm also trying to spend time outside the house when I can, either going for walks, to a park, working from a coffee shop, or hanging out with my older sister and her kids.
Thankfully, my friends back in New York have also stayed in touch, which has been a great reminder of the supportive community I have, even if they're not a short walk or subway ride away.
And while I'm talking to my parents about things like my schedule, communication is still a work in progress, especially when it comes to my needs and boundaries.
Possibly because I'm reliant on them for so much — namely, food and shelter — it's hard to feel like an independent adult who makes her own decisions. But, as we keep adjusting to this new way of living, I'm hoping I'll be able to strike a balance of living my own life while being under their roof.
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Lack Of Boundaries Boundaries are an essential part of any healthy relationship, especially with family. However, not all parents respect their children's boundaries, leading to strained relationships. In her research, Dr. Brené Brown emphasizes the importance of boundaries in maintaining healthy relationships. Without them, resentment and frustration can easily build up. You might feel smothered or overwhelmed by their constant presence or meddling in your life. Creating boundaries can be tough, especially if you've never done it before. You might worry about hurting their feelings or creating more tension. But without boundaries, the relationship can become toxic. You need space to grow and figure things out on your own. When parents don't allow for that, turning away can feel like the only option to regain control over your life. 6. Parental Favoritism Parental favoritism is a surefire way to create resentment among siblings. 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Your parents might struggle to accept that you don't need them in the same way anymore. This newfound freedom might empower you to reevaluate your relationship with your parents. You might realize that you're better off without certain influences or expectations. On the flip side, your parents might feel left behind or unnecessary. The balance of power shifts, and not everyone adapts well. Turning away can sometimes be an unintended consequence as you navigate this new landscape. 8. Unaddressed Mental Health Issues Mental health is a crucial but often overlooked aspect of family dynamics. If you or your parents struggle with mental health issues, it can place immense strain on your relationship. When these issues are not addressed, they can fester and lead to misunderstandings and resentment. It's hard to maintain a healthy relationship when mental health challenges loom large. It can feel like a constant uphill battle. The stigma around mental health can make it difficult to discuss these issues openly. You might fear judgment or dismissal from your parents. This lack of communication only exacerbates the problem. Over time, it can lead to emotional distancing. Turning away might seem like the only way to protect your mental health. 9. Communication Breakdown Effective communication is the linchpin of any relationship. When it falters, misunderstandings and resentment can easily take hold. If you and your parents struggle to communicate, it's only a matter of time before the relationship suffers. You might find yourself walking on eggshells, afraid of triggering another argument. This constant tension can be emotionally exhausting. You might try to address the communication issues, but without both parties willing to change, it's an uphill battle. Communication requires effort and mutual understanding. If your parents aren't willing to meet you halfway, it can feel like talking to a brick wall. Over time, the emotional toll can make turning away seem like the best option. Sometimes, silence is more comforting than constant conflict. 10. Clinging To The Past Parents and children often have different perceptions of the past. You might want to move forward, but your parents keep bringing up past mistakes or grievances. This tendency to dwell on the past can make it difficult to build a healthy, forward-looking relationship. You might feel trapped by their inability to let go. It's like walking through life with a constant weight on your shoulders. Letting go of the past requires forgiveness and understanding from both sides. But if your parents are unwilling or unable to do this, it can create a stalemate. You can't change the past, but you can decide how it affects your future. When parents refuse to let you move on, turning away may seem like the only way to break free. It's about choosing to live in the present rather than being shackled to the past. 11. Different Life Paths Sometimes life takes you in a direction your parents didn't envision for you. Whether it's your career, lifestyle, or even whom you choose to love, these differences can create tension. Your parents might struggle to accept your choices, especially if they're radically different from their own. It's not that your choices are wrong; they're just different. This can create a wedge between you. You might try to explain your choices, but if they're met with judgment or disappointment, it's disheartening. Everyone wants their parents' approval, but sometimes, it's just not in the cards. Over time, the emotional toll of trying to live up to someone else's expectations becomes too much. Turning away becomes a way to honor your own life choices. It's about living authentically, even if it means breaking away. 12. Emotional Manipulation Emotional manipulation is a subtle but powerful way to control someone. If your parents use guilt or other manipulative tactics to influence you, it can be emotionally draining. It might not be obvious at first, but over time, you may start to feel like a puppet on a string. This manipulation can make it hard to trust your parents' intentions. You might wonder if they truly care for you or just want to control you. Breaking free from this manipulation requires strength and self-awareness. You might seek help to recognize these patterns and learn how to set boundaries. Without intervention, it's easy to become emotionally exhausted. Turning away can seem like the only way to reclaim your autonomy. It's about empowering yourself to live life on your terms, not someone else's. 13. Overprotectiveness Parents naturally want to protect their kids, but overprotectiveness can be stifling. As you grow into an adult, you need the freedom to make your own mistakes and learn from them. Overprotective parents often struggle to let go, creating a suffocating environment. It can feel like living in a bubble, shielded from the real world. This overbearing nature can push you away. You might try to assert your independence, but overprotective parents often resist these attempts. They might see it as a rebellion rather than a natural progression. This constant tug-of-war can be exhausting and emotionally draining. Turning away might seem like the only way to gain the independence you crave. It's about learning to spread your wings, even if it means flying solo. 14. Broken Promises Broken promises can leave lasting scars, especially when they come from those you trust most. Parents are often seen as pillars of reliability, so when they break promises, it can feel like a betrayal. These broken promises can accumulate over time, leading to feelings of resentment and distrust. You might start to question their words and intentions. 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