How to get along when college grads move back home with parents

Winnipeg Free Press

a day ago

NEW YORK (AP) — A shaky economy. Overwhelming student debt. Few job prospects. Some recent college graduates have a burdensome mountain of reasons to move back home. For others, the choice may be easy as they seek to save money, or desire the physical and emotional comforts of family.
But the familiar may feel different with the changing dynamics that come with growing up. One thing is certain: If you're a new grad or the parents of one, you're not alone in navigating new terrain.
Maturity and respect among all parties is a good place to start before those packing boxes arrive. So is having a clear path forward. Consider these tips for making it all work.
Set clear expectations early
Richard Ramos, a parenting trainer and author of 'Parents on a Mission,' urges parents and their young adult children to break from their traditional roles.
For parents, shift from authority to ally.
'You're no longer parenting a teenager. You're relating to an emerging adult. Move from 'manager' to 'mentor.' Offer guidance, not control. Maintain your home as a launchpad, not a landing strip for them to get too comfortable in,' he says.
Grads, come home with humility.
'You may have a degree, but you're still under your parents' roof,' Ramos says. 'Show appreciation. Contribute to the household. Asking before assuming you can simply take shows your growth as a young adult. Honor the space they've made for you.'
Drill down to specifics
As a counselor and parent, Veronica Lichtenstein knows firsthand what Ramos means. Her 26-year-old son has been living at home for two years since graduation to save money for his first house.
'I've learned that clear, collaborative boundaries are the foundation of harmony,' she says.
Lichtenstein has lots of practical advice, starting with a 'living contract' created cooperatively.
'His proposed terms became the starting point for negotiation. This empowered him to take ownership while ensuring mutual respect. The final signed agreement covered everything from chores to quiet hours,' she says.
Common areas must be left clean, for example, and advance notice is required if he plans group gatherings.
'Emphasize that this is a temporary, goal-oriented arrangement,' Lichtenstein says. By that, she means: 'We're happy to support you for 12 months while you save X dollars.'
Regular check-ins keep everyone accountable.
Crystalize chores and shared resources
Amy McCready is the founder of PositiveParentingSolutions.com and author of 'The Me, Me, Me Epidemic — A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World.'
She suggests setting expectations when it comes to shared resources.
'If they'll be driving your vehicle, be clear about when it's available, who pays for gas or maintenance, and what responsibilities go with the privilege,' McCready says. 'Use 'when-then' phrasing to keep things respectful and direct: When your responsibilities are done, then the car is available.'
If conflict arises, it's often because everyone reverts to old roles and old rules, she says. 'Pause and ask, 'Are we interacting like we did when they were 17?''
Then reset with intention.
What about special guests?
Parents need to decide if conjugal visits for resident adult children are something they're comfortable with. Such overnight visits with romantic partners can be tricky, McCready notes.
'If overnight visits aren't something you're OK with, it's completely appropriate to set that boundary,' she says. 'You might say, 'We're so glad you're here, and we want everyone to feel comfortable. For us, that means no overnight guests while you're living at home.''
Parents can ask to be told ahead of time if their grad plans to sleep elsewhere.
Parents, be careful not to judge
Eric Wood, director of the Counseling & Mental Health Center at Texas Christian University, says parents should check in on their frustrations over the new living scenario. Their graduate might feel embarrassed and worry that they're a burden.
'Don't judge, especially with the current job market and recent global events. It's important not to be critical of a graduate who must return home,' he says. 'Just like we advise incoming college students not to rush into a certain academic major, it's more important not to rush into an entry career position. Establishing a solid trajectory for a successful and happy career is the priority.'
Wood said the new mantra for parents should be: Support, but don't problem solve when it comes to fully launching a grad.
'It's important for the parent or family member not to act as if they are trying to solve a problem,' he says. 'Doing so will only send a message that the graduate is a problem and could lead to conflicts.'