My girlfriend loves me more than I love her. Should I settle at 27, or move on?
We want to hear your questions about being newly single. When is it OK to bring a date around friends who knew your ex? Or post about your new partner on social media? If you have a question for Amy and T.J. about dipping your toes back into the dating pool, email it to askamyandtj@yahoo.com. If you want to hear more from our advice columnists, check out their podcast.
Amy and T.J.,
I realize I might sound like a jerk, but here's my question: Should I be with someone who's really into me if I don't want them as much back? Or should I wait to find someone I'd really like to be with, but will have to work to win over?
I'm a 27-year-old Zoomer deciding whether to settle for my current partner or start over and keep looking.
What should I do?Gut reaction
T.J. Holmes: What's that sound like?
Amy Robach: It sounds like he's just not that into his partner!
On further thought …
AR: By the time I was 27, I'd been married for four years.
TJH: Me too. We both got married at 23.
AR: And we shouldn't have!
TJH: And we shouldn't have! It's not that you can't have your ish together at age 27. But for many people at that age, you haven't necessarily figured out who you want to be yet. So how are you going to be ready to know what you want in a partner long-term? It isn't always a matter of age, though; it's a matter of where you are now and whether you can grow from there. Because by the time you're 34, you might not be the same person you are now. Your partner may not be either — by then they may not like you!
AR: I also think that 27 is too young to settle. I know when you're 27, you feel like you've lived so much life — I did when I was 27; I thought I had figured most of it out. But you haven't. And you can't have. So if you aren't already in a relationship where you are so excited about taking the next step with that person, you should wait until you find that person. You've got plenty of time at 27.
On the other hand, I do think that your generation — I didn't know you were called Zoomers — is far more picky, and that's not a bad thing. But there is no such thing as a perfect mate. You're never going to find the perfect person. What you want is to find the person who you love and respect enough that you will want to grow with them and be willing to change and evolve with them. You want to find the right person to be on that journey with you, but it's not going to be the perfect person.
TJH: It's all about realistic vs. idealistic. A lot of people have this idea — we see it in Love Island USA — this fantasy of someone who makes their heart flutter, who's going to be their Prince or Princess Charming. It's OK to have standards, but if you get too attached to this idealistic expectation, now, any time you date someone, if they're not perfect, you think, 'I shouldn't settle for less.'
Settling for less is not the same as being realistic about what you really want in a relationship. Don't let perfect get in the way of good. And sometimes what you have is perfectly good. So, before you make a decision, maybe ask yourself whether you want to throw away the relationship you have to try to get the perfect one. Maybe you can grow to be head over heels? If this woman cares about you that much, maybe eventually you'll realize that you have something special?
AR: I think that might be possible. And it's why you need to be honest with your partner. Explain that you're not where they are emotionally yet, but you're not ready to end things. Ask for patience, but make it clear that you can't promise a ring at the end of this.
And honestly, your partner might say 'bye' when you come clean. But I think anyone you're dating should get that opportunity to know where your head is and make a decision for themselves. It's not just you making this decision; your partner is in this relationship too.
The final word
TJH: The key word, though, is settle. Any time you insert that into a sentence regarding the person you're with, I think that's a wrap. That's done, it's over. You can think about being realistic vs. idealistic. But the word 'settle' is a big problem.
AR: You should never settle. You can talk to your partner honestly about seeing if your feelings might grow. But don't settle. Because it might just feel like 'settling' right now, early on in the relationship. But if you stay together and you really feel like you're settling, it will turn into resentment and full-blown anger and depression. It can lead to a lot of really negative things. If your relationship is starting at settling, it's not going to end well.
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