What SEC football coaches won't say (but might be thinking) at media days
SEC media days once were a place where a coach could be served a subpoena, where another coach explained his farm duties as a turkey inseminator, and where Nick Saban said being an agent was akin to being 'a pimp.'
To say they were a magical place would overstate their glory. Even in the best of times, SEC media days were a souped-up series of news conferences in a hotel ballroom with the air conditioner blasting. But, they became a highlight of college football's dog days of summer.
Those days are in the past. SEC media days morphed into glorified infomercial programming for the conference's television network.
Perhaps because they know their words will be broadcast on the SEC Network across the hinterlands, with clips highlighted on ESPN, or perhaps because coaches simply are more reticent than ever, for fear their words will be tweeted and retweeted, the news conferences became snoozefests.
Also, in this 24/7/365 nature of college football media coverage, fans no longer depend on media days to get a preseason jolt of information and buzz about their team.
In short, they're a relic that persisted past the point of utility. They'll muddle on in their current state on Monday, when the SEC's four-day talkathon begins in Atlanta.
Media days are sure to revive debates about the future College Football Playoff format, and coaches will update us on how it's been operating in the aftermath of the House legal settlement, which uncorked revenue-sharing with athletes and instituted an NIL clearinghouse in an attempt to regulate third-party deals.
When it's all over, we'd have been more entertained and better informed if someone would have reminded us how to properly inseminate a turkey.
While the coaches curtail their remarks on the main stage with the television cameras rolling, here's what they won't say – but might be thinking:
Hugh Freeze, Auburn
Ask me about my golf handicap. Have you ever seen a football coach hit a power fade like I do? Speaking of which, I'm due for a tee time.
Kalen DeBoer, Alabama
It would be nice if you guys stopped comparing me to Saban and started comparing me to Hugh Freeze. Oh, and feel free to ask me about our recruiting ranking. It's better than my golf handicap.
Clark Lea, Vanderbilt
I see Nick Saban seated in the back of the room. Coach, anything else you'd like to say about playing road games in Vanderbilt's stadium?
Brian Kelly, LSU
If you're wondering about my $1 million donation to jumpstart a donor drive, check out our roster and see what we bought. And, I'm due a $1 million bonus, plus a hefty raise, when I win my first national championship. Some would call that $1 million donation an investment opportunity.
Sam Pittman, Arkansas
Y'all get a good look, because this is the last time you'll see me here. My bags are packed for Lake Hamilton. Just waiting on that buyout check, and then I can crack me a col' beer and leave all this behind, fun as it was.
Mark Stoops, Kentucky
Sheesh, I never thought Kirk Ferentz would last this long at Iowa. Ah, well. Sam, how do you like it down there at Lake Hamilton? Got room for one more? Just as long as you don't invite John Calipari over.
Josh Heupel, Tennessee
We learned a valuable lesson from our breakup with Nico Iamaleava: No more hitching the Big Orange wagon to quarterbacks clad in pajama pants. We wish him well, as he adjusts to California's income-tax rate.
Kirby Smart, Georgia
I won two national championships with Stetson Bennett IV. You really think I can't win one with Gunner Stockton?
Steve Sarkisian, Texas
Let me get this straight: If we win the national championship, that means I screwed up by not starting Arch Manning last season? And if I don't win the national championship, that means I'm the coach who couldn't win a national championship with Arch Manning?
Mike Elko, Texas A&M
Imagine what I could have done with that No. 1-ranked recruiting class Jimbo Fisher squandered.
Shane Beamer, South Carolina
I don't mean to brag, but, I'm thinking a statue is in order after beating Dabo Swinney twice in the past three years.
Eliah Drinkwitz, Missouri
No way Beamer gets a statue before me. Guess how many SEC teams own more wins than Missouri the past two years? Just Georgia and Texas. And they're lucky they don't play us this season! Just kidding, we're happy to play Arkansas, Vanderbilt and Mississippi State.
Jeff Lebby, Mississippi State
I'm just here because someone told me I had to be. Any questions? No? Good.
Brent Venables, Oklahoma
Do I think we could make the playoff this year? Maybe, if only we could play Mississippi's schedule.
Billy Napier, Florida
Brother, you want to talk about tough schedules? Look at ours, and tell me someone isn't trying to get me fired.
Lane Kiffin, Mississippi
Florida boosters, listen up. My phone number is …
Blake Toppmeyer is the USA TODAY Network's national college football columnist. Email him at BToppmeyer@gannett.com and follow him on X @btoppmeyer.
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