EXCLUSIVE I hated being a mother - author Sarah Hoover shares postpartum depression battle on latest raw episode of The Life of Bryony podcast

Daily Mail​

6 hours ago

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An author shared her experience overcoming postpartum depression and psychosis on the latest episode of The Life of Bryony podcast.
Sarah Hoover, a cultural critic, wrote the acclaimed memoir, The Motherload, offering a candid exploration of motherhood and marriage.
Speaking to Daily Mail Columnist Bryony Gordon, the author recounted how a traumatic birth left her feeling 'strange' years after her son was born.
'I was having all these intrusive thoughts', the author said.
'This is the paradox: I hated being a mother at this stage. I thought I had ruined my life and that I didn't love my child.
'I didn't feel connected to him – and yet, every night I would have nightmares. Every night, I watched my son die. On some level, I cared so deeply.
'I was scared to walk downstairs with him. I thought if I took his pram out, a car would hit me, and he would be left all on his own and someone would take him.
'I had a jillion fears. I was constantly afraid.'
The author admitted to using recreational drugs 'as a coping mechanism' to escape the shame of her lack of maternal feeling.
Sarah remembered encouraging friends to bring her illicit substances instead of gifts at her baby shower.
'When I had postpartum depression, I partied so much. It was the only time I felt alive', Sarah told the podcast.
'I did not know what else to do. Looking back, I wish I had gone to therapy and got antidepressants.
'That didn't even occur to me – I thought the easiest path to feeling alive again was getting messed up.
'I felt agency over my body had been stripped from me. I am surprised I wasn't promiscuous and didn't cheat on my husband.
'It was like – this body has been through so much. It's been trashed. I am just going to keep going.'
Sarah remembered developing feelings of resentment towards her partner, who she began to see as 'useless' in supporting her.
'There's no woman who's married to a man who feels like her husband is useful after they give birth', she said.
'The only other times I felt alive was when I was filled with rage while looking at my husband.
'He felt useless on purpose, and it was driving me nuts. He became a third child.'
Sarah stressed that only by doing the 'hard work' of beginning a regimen of antidepressants and therapy was she able to shift her depression.
'It was a long road', she began.
'The first thing that helped was going on antidepressants. I went on SSRIs. I was scared to take them – but when I did, they gave me the ability to voice my intrusive thoughts.
'It helps to share all the dark stuff within you. It took two years of therapy and being on antidepressants, but I started to love parenting.
'There were years that I didn't feel connected to my child. It was a very long process, but it was totally worth it.
'It was the hardest work I could emotionally do, but doing it meant I now love my kid. That's a massive gift.
'Seeing the world through his eyes every day is the most fun I have ever had.'
To hear the full episode featuring acclaimed author Sarah Hoover, search for The Life of Bryony now, wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes are released every Monday.