How to Excel at Small Talk When You Have Social Anxiety
When you have social anxiety, walking into a room full of people can make you feel like every eyeball in the place is boring directly into your soul, and that nothing you say will possibly be smart or funny or coherent enough.
That can trigger an array of physical, cognitive, and emotional symptoms. 'For some people, it might mean a racing heart and dizziness and feeling flushed,' says Kirsten Hall-Baldwin, a licensed clinical professional counselor in Chicago. 'Others might be in these thought spirals, or feel like their mind is going blank or freezing.'
Hall-Baldwin coaches her anxious clients to create a coping plan: a proactive list of strategies and techniques that can help temper their unease. Here, experts share nine tips on how to carry a conversation when you have social anxiety.
Practice in low-stakes environments
Before showing up at a networking event or your 10-year high school reunion, try making conversation with baristas, waiters, neighbors, or co-workers. These short interactions can be a low-pressure way to build self-esteem. 'Smaller, manageable social interactions don't carry as much emotional weight,' Hall-Baldwin says. 'There isn't necessarily a goal of having a deeply meaningful conversation, so it's just trying to practice without feeling overwhelming pressure.' Over time, you'll gain a sense of comfort and confidence as you venture into larger social settings.
Script a few go-to phrases ahead of time
Come up with and rehearse two to three simple conversation starters you can employ when your brain starts sputtering. That way, 'You'll have something in your back pocket to continue the conversation,' says Caroline Fenkel, chief clinical officer with the virtual mental-health platform Charlie Health. 'You can keep it going without having to freeze and leave to go to the bathroom.'
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One of her favorites, for example: 'That's really interesting—tell me more about that.' If you love traveling, ask people if they've gone on any recent vacations, or if you're a foodie, find out if your conversation partner has tried any great new restaurants.
Fenkel suggests practicing your collection of phrases in front of a mirror, and then, when you become more comfortable, in front of a trusted family member or friend.
Start with shared context
This isn't the conversation Olympics; you don't need to wow anyone with never-before-asked questions or laugh-till-they-pee jokes. Instead, especially when you first enter a room, begin with low-stakes comments, like observations about the environment or the event you're attending, Fenkel advises: 'This line is moving slowly, huh?' 'Another hot day!' 'The birthday cake looks so good.' These types of remarks can help break the ice and build rapport in a breezy way, she says.
Think of questions as a bridge
Social anxiety often stems from fear of saying the 'wrong' thing. Questions can help shift the focus outward and invite connection without demanding vulnerability right away, Fenkel says. Open-ended questions that don't require a 'yes' or 'no' response are an ideal way to connect with the other person—and allow them to do most of the talking.
Use the echo technique
One of the best habits for someone with social anxiety is paraphrasing what the other person said—which demonstrates active listening—and then encouraging them to elaborate. For example, if they mention they're struggling at work, repeat back their words with a question in your voice: 'Struggling?' They'll most likely launch into an explanation of what's giving them a hard time.
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'People want to feel heard,' Hall-Baldwin says. 'A lot of the time, just showing attentiveness can encourage the other person to keep sharing—and that takes some of the pressure off you to feel like you have to come up with original responses.'
Hold something
Holding a cold drink, touching an object like a fidget toy, or simply pressing your feet into the floor can give your nervous system something to anchor to when you're feeling anxious. 'It helps signal to your brain: I'm safe,' Fenkel says. When she does public speaking engagements, she puts a worry stone into her pocket, which is a smooth, oval-shaped gem with a thumbprint-like indentation. 'Every time I get nervous, I just touch it,' she says. Doing so creates a physical sensation of security that propels her to the finish line.
Acknowledge your anxiety
Depending on what kind of situation you're in—a work event vs. a low-key social gathering—acknowledging that you're anxious can come across as relatable. You might tell a group of friends-of-friends at a cookout, for example, that you're a little nervous but excited to get to know everyone, or reveal that you felt anxious ahead of time, but appreciate the great conversations you've been having.
Being open can help reduce tension while allowing others to empathize. 'It relieves this internal pressure for performative calmness—like, 'I need to pretend I'm calm in this conversation so they don't know,'" Hall-Baldwin says. "Being able to drop that can feel really freeing. And at the same time, vulnerability can really deepen connections, too.' Who knows? It might turn out the people you're talking to felt equally anxious about the gathering.
Have an exit strategy ready
The good news about social events is that they all eventually end—and your departure can arrive as soon as you'd like. You might feel better if you let your friends know from the get-go that you have an early morning and will only be able to stay until a certain time, or make it clear that you have an afternoon appointment that will keep brunch from turning into dinner.
It's also a good idea to brainstorm a few ways to politely wrap up conversations, Hall-Baldwin says. For example: 'It was really nice talking to you—I'm going to check in with Jane.' Doing so can help reduce anxiety about feeling trapped in a conversation, she says.
Give yourself permission to pause
People with social anxiety tend to be 'really, really hard on themselves,' Fenkel says. 'They feel like they're defective in some way, because everybody else is easily socializing and they're not.' That means that if your conversation hits a lull, you might interpret it as a sign of failure or rejection.
Read More: What It Really Means to Have Intrusive Thoughts
While silence can feel awkward, it's a natural part of any conversation. Use it as an opportunity to take a deep breath. 'Pauses allow both parties to process what's been said, gather their thoughts, and decide how they want to respond,' Hall-Baldwin says. 'Conversation is like a rhythm—silence is just part of that rhythm and that music. We don't get the full song at the end if the silence is taken away.'
Contact us at letters@time.com.
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