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Time Magazine
30-07-2025
- Health
- Time Magazine
How to Excel at Small Talk When You Have Social Anxiety
When you have social anxiety, walking into a room full of people can make you feel like every eyeball in the place is boring directly into your soul, and that nothing you say will possibly be smart or funny or coherent enough. That can trigger an array of physical, cognitive, and emotional symptoms. 'For some people, it might mean a racing heart and dizziness and feeling flushed,' says Kirsten Hall-Baldwin, a licensed clinical professional counselor in Chicago. 'Others might be in these thought spirals, or feel like their mind is going blank or freezing.' Hall-Baldwin coaches her anxious clients to create a coping plan: a proactive list of strategies and techniques that can help temper their unease. Here, experts share nine tips on how to carry a conversation when you have social anxiety. Practice in low-stakes environments Before showing up at a networking event or your 10-year high school reunion, try making conversation with baristas, waiters, neighbors, or co-workers. These short interactions can be a low-pressure way to build self-esteem. 'Smaller, manageable social interactions don't carry as much emotional weight,' Hall-Baldwin says. 'There isn't necessarily a goal of having a deeply meaningful conversation, so it's just trying to practice without feeling overwhelming pressure.' Over time, you'll gain a sense of comfort and confidence as you venture into larger social settings. Script a few go-to phrases ahead of time Come up with and rehearse two to three simple conversation starters you can employ when your brain starts sputtering. That way, 'You'll have something in your back pocket to continue the conversation,' says Caroline Fenkel, chief clinical officer with the virtual mental-health platform Charlie Health. 'You can keep it going without having to freeze and leave to go to the bathroom.' Read More: The Worst Thing to Say to Someone Who's Depressed One of her favorites, for example: 'That's really interesting—tell me more about that.' If you love traveling, ask people if they've gone on any recent vacations, or if you're a foodie, find out if your conversation partner has tried any great new restaurants. Fenkel suggests practicing your collection of phrases in front of a mirror, and then, when you become more comfortable, in front of a trusted family member or friend. Start with shared context This isn't the conversation Olympics; you don't need to wow anyone with never-before-asked questions or laugh-till-they-pee jokes. Instead, especially when you first enter a room, begin with low-stakes comments, like observations about the environment or the event you're attending, Fenkel advises: 'This line is moving slowly, huh?' 'Another hot day!' 'The birthday cake looks so good.' These types of remarks can help break the ice and build rapport in a breezy way, she says. Think of questions as a bridge Social anxiety often stems from fear of saying the 'wrong' thing. Questions can help shift the focus outward and invite connection without demanding vulnerability right away, Fenkel says. Open-ended questions that don't require a 'yes' or 'no' response are an ideal way to connect with the other person—and allow them to do most of the talking. Use the echo technique One of the best habits for someone with social anxiety is paraphrasing what the other person said—which demonstrates active listening—and then encouraging them to elaborate. For example, if they mention they're struggling at work, repeat back their words with a question in your voice: 'Struggling?' They'll most likely launch into an explanation of what's giving them a hard time. Read More: How to Reconnect With People You Care About 'People want to feel heard,' Hall-Baldwin says. 'A lot of the time, just showing attentiveness can encourage the other person to keep sharing—and that takes some of the pressure off you to feel like you have to come up with original responses.' Hold something Holding a cold drink, touching an object like a fidget toy, or simply pressing your feet into the floor can give your nervous system something to anchor to when you're feeling anxious. 'It helps signal to your brain: I'm safe,' Fenkel says. When she does public speaking engagements, she puts a worry stone into her pocket, which is a smooth, oval-shaped gem with a thumbprint-like indentation. 'Every time I get nervous, I just touch it,' she says. Doing so creates a physical sensation of security that propels her to the finish line. Acknowledge your anxiety Depending on what kind of situation you're in—a work event vs. a low-key social gathering—acknowledging that you're anxious can come across as relatable. You might tell a group of friends-of-friends at a cookout, for example, that you're a little nervous but excited to get to know everyone, or reveal that you felt anxious ahead of time, but appreciate the great conversations you've been having. Being open can help reduce tension while allowing others to empathize. 'It relieves this internal pressure for performative calmness—like, 'I need to pretend I'm calm in this conversation so they don't know,'" Hall-Baldwin says. "Being able to drop that can feel really freeing. And at the same time, vulnerability can really deepen connections, too.' Who knows? It might turn out the people you're talking to felt equally anxious about the gathering. Have an exit strategy ready The good news about social events is that they all eventually end—and your departure can arrive as soon as you'd like. You might feel better if you let your friends know from the get-go that you have an early morning and will only be able to stay until a certain time, or make it clear that you have an afternoon appointment that will keep brunch from turning into dinner. It's also a good idea to brainstorm a few ways to politely wrap up conversations, Hall-Baldwin says. For example: 'It was really nice talking to you—I'm going to check in with Jane.' Doing so can help reduce anxiety about feeling trapped in a conversation, she says. Give yourself permission to pause People with social anxiety tend to be 'really, really hard on themselves,' Fenkel says. 'They feel like they're defective in some way, because everybody else is easily socializing and they're not.' That means that if your conversation hits a lull, you might interpret it as a sign of failure or rejection. Read More: What It Really Means to Have Intrusive Thoughts While silence can feel awkward, it's a natural part of any conversation. Use it as an opportunity to take a deep breath. 'Pauses allow both parties to process what's been said, gather their thoughts, and decide how they want to respond,' Hall-Baldwin says. 'Conversation is like a rhythm—silence is just part of that rhythm and that music. We don't get the full song at the end if the silence is taken away.'
Yahoo
30-07-2025
- Health
- Yahoo
How to Excel at Small Talk When You Have Social Anxiety
Credit - Photo-Illustration by TIME (Source Images: NiseriN/Getty Images, BraunS/Getty Images) When you have social anxiety, walking into a room full of people can make you feel like every eyeball in the place is boring directly into your soul, and that nothing you say will possibly be smart or funny or coherent enough. That can trigger an array of physical, cognitive, and emotional symptoms. 'For some people, it might mean a racing heart and dizziness and feeling flushed,' says Kirsten Hall-Baldwin, a licensed clinical professional counselor in Chicago. 'Others might be in these thought spirals, or feel like their mind is going blank or freezing.' Hall-Baldwin coaches her anxious clients to create a coping plan: a proactive list of strategies and techniques that can help temper their unease. Here, experts share nine tips on how to carry a conversation when you have social anxiety. Practice in low-stakes environments Before showing up at a networking event or your 10-year high school reunion, try making conversation with baristas, waiters, neighbors, or co-workers. These short interactions can be a low-pressure way to build self-esteem. 'Smaller, manageable social interactions don't carry as much emotional weight,' Hall-Baldwin says. 'There isn't necessarily a goal of having a deeply meaningful conversation, so it's just trying to practice without feeling overwhelming pressure.' Over time, you'll gain a sense of comfort and confidence as you venture into larger social settings. Script a few go-to phrases ahead of time Come up with and rehearse two to three simple conversation starters you can employ when your brain starts sputtering. That way, 'You'll have something in your back pocket to continue the conversation,' says Caroline Fenkel, chief clinical officer with the virtual mental-health platform Charlie Health. 'You can keep it going without having to freeze and leave to go to the bathroom.' Read More: The Worst Thing to Say to Someone Who's Depressed One of her favorites, for example: 'That's really interesting—tell me more about that.' If you love traveling, ask people if they've gone on any recent vacations, or if you're a foodie, find out if your conversation partner has tried any great new restaurants. Fenkel suggests practicing your collection of phrases in front of a mirror, and then, when you become more comfortable, in front of a trusted family member or friend. Start with shared context This isn't the conversation Olympics; you don't need to wow anyone with never-before-asked questions or laugh-till-they-pee jokes. Instead, especially when you first enter a room, begin with low-stakes comments, like observations about the environment or the event you're attending, Fenkel advises: 'This line is moving slowly, huh?' 'Another hot day!' 'The birthday cake looks so good.' These types of remarks can help break the ice and build rapport in a breezy way, she says. Think of questions as a bridge Social anxiety often stems from fear of saying the 'wrong' thing. Questions can help shift the focus outward and invite connection without demanding vulnerability right away, Fenkel says. Open-ended questions that don't require a 'yes' or 'no' response are an ideal way to connect with the other person—and allow them to do most of the talking. Use the echo technique One of the best habits for someone with social anxiety is paraphrasing what the other person said—which demonstrates active listening—and then encouraging them to elaborate. For example, if they mention they're struggling at work, repeat back their words with a question in your voice: 'Struggling?' They'll most likely launch into an explanation of what's giving them a hard time. Read More: How to Reconnect With People You Care About 'People want to feel heard,' Hall-Baldwin says. 'A lot of the time, just showing attentiveness can encourage the other person to keep sharing—and that takes some of the pressure off you to feel like you have to come up with original responses.' Hold something Holding a cold drink, touching an object like a fidget toy, or simply pressing your feet into the floor can give your nervous system something to anchor to when you're feeling anxious. 'It helps signal to your brain: I'm safe,' Fenkel says. When she does public speaking engagements, she puts a worry stone into her pocket, which is a smooth, oval-shaped gem with a thumbprint-like indentation. 'Every time I get nervous, I just touch it,' she says. Doing so creates a physical sensation of security that propels her to the finish line. Acknowledge your anxiety Depending on what kind of situation you're in—a work event vs. a low-key social gathering—acknowledging that you're anxious can come across as relatable. You might tell a group of friends-of-friends at a cookout, for example, that you're a little nervous but excited to get to know everyone, or reveal that you felt anxious ahead of time, but appreciate the great conversations you've been having. Being open can help reduce tension while allowing others to empathize. 'It relieves this internal pressure for performative calmness—like, 'I need to pretend I'm calm in this conversation so they don't know,'" Hall-Baldwin says. "Being able to drop that can feel really freeing. And at the same time, vulnerability can really deepen connections, too.' Who knows? It might turn out the people you're talking to felt equally anxious about the gathering. Have an exit strategy ready The good news about social events is that they all eventually end—and your departure can arrive as soon as you'd like. You might feel better if you let your friends know from the get-go that you have an early morning and will only be able to stay until a certain time, or make it clear that you have an afternoon appointment that will keep brunch from turning into dinner. It's also a good idea to brainstorm a few ways to politely wrap up conversations, Hall-Baldwin says. For example: 'It was really nice talking to you—I'm going to check in with Jane.' Doing so can help reduce anxiety about feeling trapped in a conversation, she says. Give yourself permission to pause People with social anxiety tend to be 'really, really hard on themselves,' Fenkel says. 'They feel like they're defective in some way, because everybody else is easily socializing and they're not.' That means that if your conversation hits a lull, you might interpret it as a sign of failure or rejection. Read More: What It Really Means to Have Intrusive Thoughts While silence can feel awkward, it's a natural part of any conversation. Use it as an opportunity to take a deep breath. 'Pauses allow both parties to process what's been said, gather their thoughts, and decide how they want to respond,' Hall-Baldwin says. 'Conversation is like a rhythm—silence is just part of that rhythm and that music. We don't get the full song at the end if the silence is taken away.' Contact us at letters@ Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
14-05-2025
- Lifestyle
- Yahoo
Why Are Teens Aiming for ‘Nonchalance'? The Trend That Could Be a Problem
What's considered cool changes with each generation, but never has effortless style been so sought-after. Teens don't want to spend hours in front of the mirror gelling their hair, perfectly contouring every inch of their face, or spending time and effort to fit in. Think: the opposite of 'On Wednesdays, we wear pink' and all the other daily rules of The Plastics. (BTW, the fact that I'm even quoting Mean Girls is also cringe.) What teens aspire to be now is nonchalant. While this trend could have some benefits — no one wants to follow a strict set of rules to fit in! — it could also cause a problem in other areas. According to Merriam-Webster, nonchalant is 'having an air of easy unconcern or indifference.' It's acting like you don't care about anything, like nothing bothers you or affects you. Nonchalance is not trying too hard or feeling too much of anything. More from SheKnows How Metal Braces - The Thing That Made You Feel Like a Geek in School - Became Cool Again 'Nonchalance as a trend among teens is deeply rooted in the current culture of detachment and self-preservation,' Dr. Caroline Fenkel, LCSW, DSW, Chief Clinical Officer and Co-Founder at Charlie Health, tells SheKnows. 'For many teens, appearing unbothered or 'effortlessly cool' signals emotional resilience and self-sufficiency in a world that often feels hyper-visible and judgmental, primarily through social media.' Dr. Fenkel explains that teens will project nonchalance to 'navigate social dynamics with a shield against vulnerability, protecting themselves from criticism while fitting into a broader cultural aesthetic that values minimal effort and maximum confidence.' Searches for 'how to be nonchalant' have spiked 241% this month on Google, per Movchan Agency. Parenting editor Rita Templeton's 13-year-old son opened up about how teens are striving to be nonchalant when 'aura farming.' 'It's just like looking cool without really having to do anything,' the teen previously told SheKnows. There are videos all over TikTok about this trend, but our favorite examples are when moms weigh in on how they see their kids perpetuating this trend. In one clip, a mom sang along to Blink-182's 'What's My Age Again?' in the car, while her nonchalant teen son sat next to her staring straight forward and not saying a word. We've all been there! Another TikTok pitted an 'affectionate mom' against her 'nonchalant daughter. This one is set to a viral sound in which one woman keeps repeating 'I love you' to another woman, before the nonchalant one (in this case, the daughter), finally screams, 'B—ch, I love you too! Write it down!' Moms could relate, with one commenting, 'So we all like this with our teenagers?' Another said, 'mine is 26 and still like this.' Right now, Gen Z is in the middle of a mental health crisis, with depression up 60% over the last decade according to the CDC. It seems odd that increased anxiety goes hand-in-hand with increased apathy, but according to Dr. Fenkel, this trend 'can be a form of emotional regulation for teens.' 'Adopting a nonchalant attitude can help teens maintain a sense of control and composure in environments where emotional expression might be met with judgment or misunderstanding,' she explains. 'It can also foster a sense of independence and resilience, essential for building self-efficacy.' Additionally, acting nonchalant 'can reduce the pressure to perform or meet unrealistic expectations, allowing teens to prioritize inner confidence over external validation.' Teens not striving for perfectionism? That's a nice change! Acting nonchalant about certain things might be OK, but when teens bring nonchalance to school — maybe even manifesting at 'quiet quitting' — then it can be a problem. David Robbins, behavioral expert and media analyst at EduBirdie, tells SheKnows, 'Today's teens are growing up in a world where curiosity is often seen as a weakness. They try to appear calm, uninterested, and show less emotion. As a result, they are afraid to ask questions, thinking it will show they don't know something.' Being able to ask questions and think through situations is important. But rather than look for answers, according to Robbins, teens go straight for defensive, saying things like, 'I don't care, I 'll take it easy.' 'However, this attitude limits their emotional growth and prevents them from understanding their feelings,' Robbins says. Another problem with this behavior? It can block your teen from maintaining good connections with other people. 'Nonchalance can act as a protective mechanism, but it can also become a barrier to meaningful connection and emotional honesty,' Dr. Fenkel says. Think about it this way: if your teen constantly tries to suppress and hide their feelings to appear nonchalant or unbothered, it will hurt their relationships in the long run. 'It can lead to emotional suppression, isolation, and an inability to seek help when needed,' Dr. Fenkel says. 'Over time, this kind of emotional detachment can contribute to mental health challenges, such as anxiety and depression, as teens may feel disconnected not only from others but also from their own authentic emotions,' she adds. Look for signs that nonchalance is masking deeper issues, suggests Dr. Fenkel. These include: Indicators might include a sudden drop in grades or complete disengagement from school responsibilities. Withdrawing from friends and family. Spending excessive time alone. Neglecting personal hygiene or basic self-care. Using substances as a way to detach or numb emotions further. Rejecting offers of support or refusing to discuss emotions, even in safe spaces. 'If parents notice these behaviors, it's important to approach their teen with empathy and understanding, creating space for honest dialogue without judgment,' she says. Robbins recommends parents work hard to 'create an atmosphere where curiosity is welcomed.' 'Teens need to understand that it's okay to ask questions and that not knowing something is rather an opportunity to learn more,' he tells us. 'Support starts with simply being interested in the child's opinion, discussing difficult topics without judgment, and asking questions rather than lecturing.' 'When teens feel they can talk to their parents freely, they are not afraid to learn and grow,' he adds. 'This helps them maintain interest in life and increase self-confidence.' 'I think it's essential for parents to recognize that nonchalance isn't always just a personality trait — sometimes it's a defense mechanism,' Dr. Fenkel says. 'Teens are navigating complex social environments that are more visible and scrutinized than ever before. Encouraging open conversations about feelings and providing consistent support can help them feel safe enough to express vulnerability.' 'At Charlie Health, we believe that breaking down physical and emotional barriers is crucial for true healing and growth,' she adds. 'It's okay to be 'cool,' but it's even more important to be real.'Best of SheKnows The Rarest Girl Names in the U.S. Right Now Are Also the Most Gorgeous — & Almost No One's Using Them Salma Hayek, Brittany Mahomes, & More Celebrity Moms in the 'Sports Illustrated Swimsuit' Issue Through the Years How Priyanka Chopra, Mindy Kaling, & More Celebrities Celebrate AAPI Heritage & Culture With Their Kids
