‘Why wait?': Emma and Martin bonded over their early-onset Parkinson's
Both Emma Tinkler, 49, a former travel agent, and Martin Ostrowski, 50, a former marine scientist, have early-onset Parkinson's disease. They met doing advocacy work and have been dating for almost a year.
Emma: I'd known Martin for a week when I asked him to come to a neurology appointment with me in May last year. It's always good to have another pair of ears when you see a specialist. He agreed without hesitation. They always ask about your bowel movements at these appointments, but I felt totally comfortable discussing that in front of him.
It evolved from there. A month or so later, he texted me saying he was coming to my Redfern apartment via a patisserie. I messaged back, 'That's talking dirty.' Silence. I thought, 'Oh god, I've gone too far too early.' Then he texted back, 'Yes, 50 shades of caramelisation.' It was on. He made us a shared Spotify playlist and said 'I love you' after two weeks. Which might freak some people out, but it didn't bother me at all. We'd both had a really shitty time with our disease before we met and now appreciate good times. We thought, why wait?
No couple ever knows what's around the corner, but having Parkinson's brings up a lot of what-ifs. I try not to think about it too much because I can go to a dark place. One night early on, we were cuddling in bed when I thought about us together as old people and started to cry. People with late-stage Parkinson's have a higher chance of developing dementia and I was picturing two old, lost
people. What would happen to us? Martin kept his cool; he just said, 'I've got you.'
'We never get the shits with each other about this stuff because we know how it feels.'
Emma Tinkler
There are bad days but also bad hours; it can change in minutes. If my gait is slow or it feels as if my body's tightening from the inside and I don't have the bandwidth for a proper conversation while I'm dealing with symptoms, Martin totally gets it. I was having a bad time on New Year's Eve. We were leaving in 15 minutes to go to a party when I told him I didn't think I'd be able to get there because my meds weren't kicking in and I felt as if I had weights on my wrists and ankles. He said, 'OK, let's just stay in bed.'
We never get the shits with each other about this stuff because we know how it feels. If I need something from downstairs, I'll say, 'Are your legs working better than mine? Can you grab my phone?' Or when he's having difficulty putting his socks on – one of the symptoms is a loss of dexterity in your fingers – I help him. He found it difficult to receive help at first because he's been so independent.
Together, we're trying to raise awareness of how many younger people get Parkinson's [April is Parkinson's Awareness Month ]. It's the fastest-growing neurological condition in the world. Before we met, Martin had deep brain stimulation (DBS) surgery; you're actually awake for part of it. Although it's changed his life, it still scares me to think about, but he just says, 'You'll know when you're ready.'
Sleep can be an issue for people with Parkinson's. His has improved since surgery, but I still wake him up at 3am. He never makes me feel like it's a problem. Everything's quiet and so we just lie there and talk.
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Sydney Morning Herald
4 days ago
- Sydney Morning Herald
A good father helps stop boys committing abuse in relationships later in life, study finds
A spokesperson for the institute said it was unclear if man-o-sphere personalities such as Andrew Tate had influenced the apparent increase among younger men. The study takes a public health approach that considers improving men's health and wellbeing in relation to preventing intimate partner violence. Professor Kelsey Hegarty, a GP and joint chair in Family Violence Prevention at the University of Melbourne and the Royal Women's Hospital, said men with serious, depressive mental ill health should be asked how disagreements were handled in their relationships, 'if it is safe to do so'. 'Some are really dangerous men, this is not for everybody, but [it is] for a group of men who may be doing things they regret: yelling, controlling, occasionally hitting,' said Hegarty, leader of the Safer Families Centre of Research Excellence. 'But if you do this early engagement in a gentle way, engage them with some empathy, [you can] then make them accountable.' Men with moderate or severe depressive symptoms were more likely to use intimate partner violence by 2022 (62 per cent) than those who did not have these symptoms. Those with suicidal thoughts, plans or attempts were 47 per cent more likely to use partner violence, and those with mild depressive symptoms were 32 per cent more likely. Nine per cent of respondents said they had hit, slapped, kicked or otherwise physically hurt a partner when they were angry. The project lead, Dr Sean Martin, said the research represented the first time the influence of the quality of men's relationships with their fathers had been examined in the context of their later use of forms of intimate partner violence. 'Guys were asked qualitative questions about their fathers or father figures, if they understood their worries and problems, taught them about life, gave them the love and affection they felt they needed,' Martin said. 'Those who answered, 'agree or strongly agree', were far less likely to use intimate partner violence.' High levels of social support 'all of the time' were found to reduce the likelihood of men using violence by 26 per cent. The report noted mental ill-health was high among Australian men, estimates suggesting that up to 25 per cent of men would be diagnosed with a mental health disorder in their lifetime. Martin said the strong link between attentive fathering and reduced risk of men using violence in later relationships suggested programs for new fathers could help provide them important support as they managed the change and were engaged in their child's development. 'Men are looking for support services during this critical stage,' he said. 'There has been this societal shift where men are likely to be primary caregivers, which is great, but we're playing a little bit of catch-up in society as to the access they get those support services.' Martin said this part of the Ten to Men project would continue to delve into factors in men's lives that contributed to the likelihood they would use partner violence. 'Hopefully, this will provide better quality evidence for interventions around perpetration and family safety issues,' he said. Professor Kate Fitz-Gibbon, an international family violence research leader, of Monash University, said: 'The data clearly shows that men's mental health and relationships matter – not as excuses for violence, but as earlier points of intervention. 'One of the key findings from this study is the protective effect of strong relationships with a father figure. This reinforces the importance of positive male role modelling and points to an important opportunity for prevention.' Loading She said governments must act to scale up evidence-based prevention and early intervention initiatives tailored for people who use violence. Social Services Minister Tanya Plibersek said the research was concerning, but not surprising. 'It's critical that we look at the factors that might lead to violence so we can make sure we're funding programs that stop it at the start,' she said.
The Age
4 days ago
- The Age
A good father helps stop boys committing abuse in relationships later in life, study finds
A spokesperson for the institute said it was unclear if man-o-sphere personalities such as Andrew Tate had influenced the apparent increase among younger men. The study takes a public health approach that considers improving men's health and wellbeing in relation to preventing intimate partner violence. Professor Kelsey Hegarty, a GP and joint chair in Family Violence Prevention at the University of Melbourne and the Royal Women's Hospital, said men with serious, depressive mental ill health should be asked how disagreements were handled in their relationships, 'if it is safe to do so'. 'Some are really dangerous men, this is not for everybody, but [it is] for a group of men who may be doing things they regret: yelling, controlling, occasionally hitting,' said Hegarty, leader of the Safer Families Centre of Research Excellence. 'But if you do this early engagement in a gentle way, engage them with some empathy, [you can] then make them accountable.' Men with moderate or severe depressive symptoms were more likely to use intimate partner violence by 2022 (62 per cent) than those who did not have these symptoms. Those with suicidal thoughts, plans or attempts were 47 per cent more likely to use partner violence, and those with mild depressive symptoms were 32 per cent more likely. Nine per cent of respondents said they had hit, slapped, kicked or otherwise physically hurt a partner when they were angry. The project lead, Dr Sean Martin, said the research represented the first time the influence of the quality of men's relationships with their fathers had been examined in the context of their later use of forms of intimate partner violence. 'Guys were asked qualitative questions about their fathers or father figures, if they understood their worries and problems, taught them about life, gave them the love and affection they felt they needed,' Martin said. 'Those who answered, 'agree or strongly agree', were far less likely to use intimate partner violence.' High levels of social support 'all of the time' were found to reduce the likelihood of men using violence by 26 per cent. The report noted mental ill-health was high among Australian men, estimates suggesting that up to 25 per cent of men would be diagnosed with a mental health disorder in their lifetime. Martin said the strong link between attentive fathering and reduced risk of men using violence in later relationships suggested programs for new fathers could help provide them important support as they managed the change and were engaged in their child's development. 'Men are looking for support services during this critical stage,' he said. 'There has been this societal shift where men are likely to be primary caregivers, which is great, but we're playing a little bit of catch-up in society as to the access they get those support services.' Martin said this part of the Ten to Men project would continue to delve into factors in men's lives that contributed to the likelihood they would use partner violence. 'Hopefully, this will provide better quality evidence for interventions around perpetration and family safety issues,' he said. Professor Kate Fitz-Gibbon, an international family violence research leader, of Monash University, said: 'The data clearly shows that men's mental health and relationships matter – not as excuses for violence, but as earlier points of intervention. 'One of the key findings from this study is the protective effect of strong relationships with a father figure. This reinforces the importance of positive male role modelling and points to an important opportunity for prevention.' Loading She said governments must act to scale up evidence-based prevention and early intervention initiatives tailored for people who use violence. Social Services Minister Tanya Plibersek said the research was concerning, but not surprising. 'It's critical that we look at the factors that might lead to violence so we can make sure we're funding programs that stop it at the start,' she said.
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Sins of the father: the link between unloving dads and domestic violence
A lack of fatherly affection in boyhood is a shared experience of the 120,000 Australian men each year who, for the first time, are violent towards their partner. Men who were sure they'd had an affectionate father or father figure as a child were 48 per cent less likely to be violent than those who were certain they had not. Ten to Men, an Australian longitudinal study of male health, has been tracking more than 16,000 boys and men since 2013. In landmark new findings, the study has revealed a surge in intimate partner violence, which can include physical, sexual and emotional brutality, over the decade to 2022. In 2013 one quarter of Australian men admitted to having ever been violent to a partner. By 2022 that had leapt to one in three - or 35 per cent of men aged 18 to 65. "That's 120,000 men per year - each and every year - that are engaging in this behavior for the first time," Ten to Men program lead Dr Sean Martin said. "So that is concerning and underscores why, from the prime minister down, everyone is now referring to this as a national crisis in need of action," he said. One third of those men acknowledged they'd used emotional violence, while nine per cent admitted to ever "hitting, slapping, kicking or otherwise physically hurting" an intimate partner when they were angry. While previous studies had highlighted violent men's relationship with the mothers, this research delved into paternal bonds. There was also a link between men who were suicidal or had depression and partner violence. "[Men were] 62 per cent more likely to use intimate partner violence if they'd earlier reported significant depressive symptoms," Dr Martin said. "Men who had suicidal thoughts or had made suicidal plans - or even attempts - those men were again later found to [have] an increased use of intimate partner violence." Nick Joseph, who has counselled violent men to change their behaviour for more than a decade, said despite the shared experiences of many abusive men, they were ultimately responsible for their actions. "The thing that's really, really important here is that everybody has a story, but men are still choosing to use family violence," he said. "Regardless of what their level of trauma is - whether there's drugs and alcohol involved, whether they've had a poor relationship with their father - they're still making a choice to use family violence." Mr Joseph said dysfunctional families and entitled or privileged fathers who didn't show affection - or were themselves violent - were features of abusers' backgrounds. Overall, violent men often had low self-esteem, the case manager for No To Violence, which runs the national Men's Referral Service hotline, said. "One of the things that probably sort of stands out for me with all [abusive] men is that they've got a low self-esteem within themselves, and they're not feeling comfortable with who they are, for whatever reason," he said. His advice for fathers was to show their sons it was OK to be vulnerable - and to model equal relationships with women, especially partners or spouses. "Make sure that they're just allowing the space for their partner to speak up, to speak their mind, to not talk over them," Mr Joseph said. Ten to Men program lead Sean Martin said society needed to have open conversations about men's behaviour. "I would argue even more importantly at a society level to start those conversations with friends, with colleagues, around the appropriate attitudes that come to bear in these sort of situations," Dr Martin said. The research was concerning but "sadly not surprising", Social Services Minister Tanya Plibersek said. "It's critical that we look at the factors that might lead to violence so we can make sure we're funding programs that stop it at the start," she said. "To end domestic and family violence we need to invest in the frontline services that help people and keep them safe, but we also need to stop the behaviours that lead to it." Ten to Men is coordinated through the Australian Institute of Family Studies. A lack of fatherly affection in boyhood is a shared experience of the 120,000 Australian men each year who, for the first time, are violent towards their partner. Men who were sure they'd had an affectionate father or father figure as a child were 48 per cent less likely to be violent than those who were certain they had not. Ten to Men, an Australian longitudinal study of male health, has been tracking more than 16,000 boys and men since 2013. In landmark new findings, the study has revealed a surge in intimate partner violence, which can include physical, sexual and emotional brutality, over the decade to 2022. In 2013 one quarter of Australian men admitted to having ever been violent to a partner. By 2022 that had leapt to one in three - or 35 per cent of men aged 18 to 65. "That's 120,000 men per year - each and every year - that are engaging in this behavior for the first time," Ten to Men program lead Dr Sean Martin said. "So that is concerning and underscores why, from the prime minister down, everyone is now referring to this as a national crisis in need of action," he said. One third of those men acknowledged they'd used emotional violence, while nine per cent admitted to ever "hitting, slapping, kicking or otherwise physically hurting" an intimate partner when they were angry. While previous studies had highlighted violent men's relationship with the mothers, this research delved into paternal bonds. There was also a link between men who were suicidal or had depression and partner violence. "[Men were] 62 per cent more likely to use intimate partner violence if they'd earlier reported significant depressive symptoms," Dr Martin said. "Men who had suicidal thoughts or had made suicidal plans - or even attempts - those men were again later found to [have] an increased use of intimate partner violence." Nick Joseph, who has counselled violent men to change their behaviour for more than a decade, said despite the shared experiences of many abusive men, they were ultimately responsible for their actions. "The thing that's really, really important here is that everybody has a story, but men are still choosing to use family violence," he said. "Regardless of what their level of trauma is - whether there's drugs and alcohol involved, whether they've had a poor relationship with their father - they're still making a choice to use family violence." Mr Joseph said dysfunctional families and entitled or privileged fathers who didn't show affection - or were themselves violent - were features of abusers' backgrounds. Overall, violent men often had low self-esteem, the case manager for No To Violence, which runs the national Men's Referral Service hotline, said. "One of the things that probably sort of stands out for me with all [abusive] men is that they've got a low self-esteem within themselves, and they're not feeling comfortable with who they are, for whatever reason," he said. His advice for fathers was to show their sons it was OK to be vulnerable - and to model equal relationships with women, especially partners or spouses. "Make sure that they're just allowing the space for their partner to speak up, to speak their mind, to not talk over them," Mr Joseph said. Ten to Men program lead Sean Martin said society needed to have open conversations about men's behaviour. "I would argue even more importantly at a society level to start those conversations with friends, with colleagues, around the appropriate attitudes that come to bear in these sort of situations," Dr Martin said. The research was concerning but "sadly not surprising", Social Services Minister Tanya Plibersek said. "It's critical that we look at the factors that might lead to violence so we can make sure we're funding programs that stop it at the start," she said. "To end domestic and family violence we need to invest in the frontline services that help people and keep them safe, but we also need to stop the behaviours that lead to it." Ten to Men is coordinated through the Australian Institute of Family Studies. A lack of fatherly affection in boyhood is a shared experience of the 120,000 Australian men each year who, for the first time, are violent towards their partner. Men who were sure they'd had an affectionate father or father figure as a child were 48 per cent less likely to be violent than those who were certain they had not. Ten to Men, an Australian longitudinal study of male health, has been tracking more than 16,000 boys and men since 2013. In landmark new findings, the study has revealed a surge in intimate partner violence, which can include physical, sexual and emotional brutality, over the decade to 2022. In 2013 one quarter of Australian men admitted to having ever been violent to a partner. By 2022 that had leapt to one in three - or 35 per cent of men aged 18 to 65. "That's 120,000 men per year - each and every year - that are engaging in this behavior for the first time," Ten to Men program lead Dr Sean Martin said. "So that is concerning and underscores why, from the prime minister down, everyone is now referring to this as a national crisis in need of action," he said. One third of those men acknowledged they'd used emotional violence, while nine per cent admitted to ever "hitting, slapping, kicking or otherwise physically hurting" an intimate partner when they were angry. While previous studies had highlighted violent men's relationship with the mothers, this research delved into paternal bonds. There was also a link between men who were suicidal or had depression and partner violence. "[Men were] 62 per cent more likely to use intimate partner violence if they'd earlier reported significant depressive symptoms," Dr Martin said. "Men who had suicidal thoughts or had made suicidal plans - or even attempts - those men were again later found to [have] an increased use of intimate partner violence." Nick Joseph, who has counselled violent men to change their behaviour for more than a decade, said despite the shared experiences of many abusive men, they were ultimately responsible for their actions. "The thing that's really, really important here is that everybody has a story, but men are still choosing to use family violence," he said. "Regardless of what their level of trauma is - whether there's drugs and alcohol involved, whether they've had a poor relationship with their father - they're still making a choice to use family violence." Mr Joseph said dysfunctional families and entitled or privileged fathers who didn't show affection - or were themselves violent - were features of abusers' backgrounds. Overall, violent men often had low self-esteem, the case manager for No To Violence, which runs the national Men's Referral Service hotline, said. "One of the things that probably sort of stands out for me with all [abusive] men is that they've got a low self-esteem within themselves, and they're not feeling comfortable with who they are, for whatever reason," he said. His advice for fathers was to show their sons it was OK to be vulnerable - and to model equal relationships with women, especially partners or spouses. "Make sure that they're just allowing the space for their partner to speak up, to speak their mind, to not talk over them," Mr Joseph said. Ten to Men program lead Sean Martin said society needed to have open conversations about men's behaviour. "I would argue even more importantly at a society level to start those conversations with friends, with colleagues, around the appropriate attitudes that come to bear in these sort of situations," Dr Martin said. The research was concerning but "sadly not surprising", Social Services Minister Tanya Plibersek said. "It's critical that we look at the factors that might lead to violence so we can make sure we're funding programs that stop it at the start," she said. "To end domestic and family violence we need to invest in the frontline services that help people and keep them safe, but we also need to stop the behaviours that lead to it." Ten to Men is coordinated through the Australian Institute of Family Studies. A lack of fatherly affection in boyhood is a shared experience of the 120,000 Australian men each year who, for the first time, are violent towards their partner. Men who were sure they'd had an affectionate father or father figure as a child were 48 per cent less likely to be violent than those who were certain they had not. Ten to Men, an Australian longitudinal study of male health, has been tracking more than 16,000 boys and men since 2013. In landmark new findings, the study has revealed a surge in intimate partner violence, which can include physical, sexual and emotional brutality, over the decade to 2022. In 2013 one quarter of Australian men admitted to having ever been violent to a partner. By 2022 that had leapt to one in three - or 35 per cent of men aged 18 to 65. "That's 120,000 men per year - each and every year - that are engaging in this behavior for the first time," Ten to Men program lead Dr Sean Martin said. "So that is concerning and underscores why, from the prime minister down, everyone is now referring to this as a national crisis in need of action," he said. One third of those men acknowledged they'd used emotional violence, while nine per cent admitted to ever "hitting, slapping, kicking or otherwise physically hurting" an intimate partner when they were angry. While previous studies had highlighted violent men's relationship with the mothers, this research delved into paternal bonds. There was also a link between men who were suicidal or had depression and partner violence. "[Men were] 62 per cent more likely to use intimate partner violence if they'd earlier reported significant depressive symptoms," Dr Martin said. "Men who had suicidal thoughts or had made suicidal plans - or even attempts - those men were again later found to [have] an increased use of intimate partner violence." Nick Joseph, who has counselled violent men to change their behaviour for more than a decade, said despite the shared experiences of many abusive men, they were ultimately responsible for their actions. "The thing that's really, really important here is that everybody has a story, but men are still choosing to use family violence," he said. "Regardless of what their level of trauma is - whether there's drugs and alcohol involved, whether they've had a poor relationship with their father - they're still making a choice to use family violence." Mr Joseph said dysfunctional families and entitled or privileged fathers who didn't show affection - or were themselves violent - were features of abusers' backgrounds. Overall, violent men often had low self-esteem, the case manager for No To Violence, which runs the national Men's Referral Service hotline, said. "One of the things that probably sort of stands out for me with all [abusive] men is that they've got a low self-esteem within themselves, and they're not feeling comfortable with who they are, for whatever reason," he said. His advice for fathers was to show their sons it was OK to be vulnerable - and to model equal relationships with women, especially partners or spouses. "Make sure that they're just allowing the space for their partner to speak up, to speak their mind, to not talk over them," Mr Joseph said. Ten to Men program lead Sean Martin said society needed to have open conversations about men's behaviour. "I would argue even more importantly at a society level to start those conversations with friends, with colleagues, around the appropriate attitudes that come to bear in these sort of situations," Dr Martin said. The research was concerning but "sadly not surprising", Social Services Minister Tanya Plibersek said. "It's critical that we look at the factors that might lead to violence so we can make sure we're funding programs that stop it at the start," she said. "To end domestic and family violence we need to invest in the frontline services that help people and keep them safe, but we also need to stop the behaviours that lead to it." Ten to Men is coordinated through the Australian Institute of Family Studies.
