How I finally found ‘the One' (a therapist, that is)

Telegraph

15-05-2025

Ironically, it was a psychologist who told me I needed therapy, right after he'd confirmed I had ADHD. During lockdown, I'd seen neurodivergent influencers sharing their ADHD experiences on social media and their daily struggles resonated with me. I began to wonder if ADHD might explain why, at 30, I was feeling burnt out, my mind cluttered and erratic, and confused because I lived in chaos and my friendships and relationships often floundered.
I loved my job in PR and my social life in London. Yet I worried I was simply too much for people, that they struggled to cope with my impulsive behaviour and high expectations. So in 2020, I saw a private psychologist who confirmed my suspicions and prescribed ADHD medication to help manage my symptoms.
' Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) or acceptance therapy to help you process how ADHD has impacted your past would be beneficial too,' he recommended.
I'd half rolled my eyes at this – I'd dabbled in therapy before but, as a mixed race woman, I'd never felt any therapist had really 'got' me. So I'd chopped and changed, hitting up Google to find new therapists whenever I wasn't gelling with my current practitioner. I'd never committed for more than a few sessions and so I was reluctant to start again.
Mourning past friendships
Yet taking ADHD medication turned my life around, I felt more focused and less impulsive. My personal relationships improved. I met my wife, Anais, and we married in September 2024, buying a house together.
Only I still struggled with feelings of guilt and pain for how, pre-diagnosis, I'd treated some people in the past. I was mourning friendships and relationships I'd lost because of how my ADHD had manifested. At 35, it hit me that I probably did need some help coming to terms with it all. It was time to try the acceptance therapy my psychologist had recommended four years earlier.
This time, I knew I'd need to find someone I felt comfortable enough with to fully open up to. So I made a 'wish list' for my ideal therapist.
Therapy wish list
Firstly, I'd need to see someone who specialised in acceptance therapy.
Being a mixed-race woman, I'd struggled before feeling I had to explain to therapists who weren't mixed race like me what my life was like – many hadn't appreciated the microaggressions I faced on a regular basis. Or that I don't identify with being either black or white, and the challenges that brings. So it was important for me to find a therapist who was mixed race too.
I also wanted someone who would challenge my thought processes, and not simply listen as I offloaded for an hour a week.
I also needed a therapist I could see in-person after work. Above all, my next therapist would need to be open to be 'interviewed' first, with no obligation to commit to regular sessions – so I could ensure we were a good 'fit' before things went any further.
I realised this might be a stumbling block, but I was hopeful potential therapists would understand. But I didn't know where to start to find 'the One'. My friends often raved about their therapists but, approaching them would be out of the question, since therapists aren't supposed to work with clients who are close friends.
Interviewing the therapists
Thankfully, my wife offered to help – she's had therapy for years and her own therapist kindly agreed to send my 'wish list' out to her peers. I was stunned when a deluge of potential bios came back. I whittled it down to a shortlist of the five who ticked my boxes on paper.
I emailed each therapist with a brief overview of my therapy and ADHD journey, outlining what I hoped to achieve in our sessions. I asked if they'd be open to a 15-minute Zoom consultation, with no obligation to proceed, to see if we were a good fit. Though they didn't typically offer free consultations, all replied that they understood and were open to an interview-style approach. I made it clear that I was speaking with other therapists as well and promised to let them know within a week if I wanted to move forward.
Setting myself a four-week deadline to make a decision, once I got started, I found the interview process a relief, to be honest. Without feeling the pressure to book a follow-up appointment I focused on my gut-feelings instead – did I get good vibe? Did I feel relaxed and open? Would I feel safe being vulnerable with them or would I feel I had to hold back? It meant after each interview, I felt I had a good enough read on whether we'd work well together in a client/therapist relationship.
Choosing 'the One'
One therapist I interviewed came across as very softly spoken over Zoom, which, while I felt that might work for some people, for a strong personality like mine, I felt I needed someone more assertive. I was surprised to discover it worked both ways too. Another therapist actually emailed me afterwards explaining that she didn't think she would be right for me, but wished me luck. Another two therapists were lovely, but given they weren't mixed race like me, I still worried I'd have to spend time in our sessions explaining what my day-to-day life could be like. It wasn't until I interviewed Susan that it all fell into place.
I felt instantly that we clicked, even over Zoom, that she understood what I was looking for and that we shared a common ground and morality. I got the feeling I could tell her anything. I also felt that she'd be honest and upfront with me.
I was thrilled when she agreed to work with me. Once our sessions began, I won't lie – there were times I felt emotionally drained afterwards, as therapy often brings hidden emotions to the surface. But this time, unlike before when I'd quit as things got too intense, I felt comfortable being vulnerable with Susan. Over the past six months, our sessions have helped me develop empathy, teaching me how to walk in other people's shoes – a challenge, especially with ADHD.
I've also accepted my past can inform my present and future, but it doesn't need to shape the life ahead of me. I truly believe if I hadn't had spent the time interviewing different therapists before finding 'the One', I'd probably not have committed to the process and stopped, like I had before. Therapy is such a personal thing, and I think it's really important to put the work in before you start to find the right therapist to support you.
How to interview a therapist – by a therapist
Kamalyn Kaur, a psychotherapist and anxiety expert, shares her advice on how to find the right therapist
Focus on connection
Finding the right therapist is about more than just credentials, speaking to a few different people before you commit allows you to find someone you truly feel comfortable with, who creates a safe space where you can speak freely without fear of judgment. The right chemistry is essential for building trust. Therapy works best when you feel heard, supported, and at ease.
Don't be afraid to ask for an interview
Most therapists are open to an initial conversation to see if they're the right match for you. Many offer brief consultations – sometimes free or at a reduced rate. A good therapist should encourage you to find someone you truly connect with, even if that means referring you elsewhere.
Do your research
Therapy is a deeply personal experience. A therapist recommended by a friend or conveniently located to your home or workplace might not necessarily be the right fit for you. Taking the time to find a therapist whose approach, personality, and expertise align with your specific concerns ensures you'll feel comfortable and supported.
Be upfront
From a practical perspective, it's best to be upfront about the fact that you're speaking with a few therapists before committing. Most therapists will appreciate your honesty. Avoid booking a full hour for an initial consultation – you run the risk of diving into personal experiences that may leave you feeling vulnerable with someone who may not be the right fit. Instead, opt for a short chat – you'll likely get a good feel for whether you're a good fit within the first 10 minutes. Above all, do you feel heard, understood and at ease? Your gut feeling is just as important as their credentials.