Dear Coleen: I'm 28 and don't find my 55-year-old husband sexually attractive
Dear Coleen
I'm a 28-year-old woman and my husband is 55. We got together three years ago and have a two-year-old daughter. The problem is, I fell in love with my husband's kindness, his good heart and his reliability, which are all amazing qualities.
But I don't find him sexually attractive at all. I don't think I ever did – I think I tried to convince myself having someone I could trust and depend on would be enough to make up for the lack of sexual chemistry.
I'd had bad relationships before we met and my parents split up when I was 11, which was traumatising and left me feeling very insecure, so I think I was looking for someone who could offer me stability.
But I've realised now that I can't spend the rest of my life with him. I find myself attracted to other (younger) guys all the time, which makes me feel guilty.
Sex makes me cringe so much that I just avoid it now, which also makes me feel guilty. I do love my husband, though, and feel grateful he's such a brilliant father. I'd love your advice on what to do.
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Coleen says
Well, things can look good on paper – he has all the qualities you look for in a partner – but there's no sexual chemistry and that's not something you can conjure up or work on.
You obviously love and respect your husband, which makes it really hard to walk away but, as sad as it is to end things, you can't stay with him just because he's reliable and kind.
It's not enough, particularly when you're only 28. My guess is your unhappiness and frustration would only lead to affairs and your husband deserves better than that.
Look, it's scary to be on your own again, especially when you have a child, but it's harder to be in an unhappy marriage. Staying for security isn't fair on him or you.
I'm also sure that if you end the marriage, he'll continue to be a supportive presence in your life and a great father. It's never easy to break someone's heart.
But you can explain that the age gap has become an issue for you and that you want different things from a relationship. Hopefully, in time, you'll be able to be good friends, as well as co-parents, once he's come to terms with the marriage ending.
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