Message to The Donald: don't mess with a winning formula
And so he has.
Not by instigating an era of world peace, which would be pretty darned boring, and lead to all the top brass in the military having to sign on the dole and watch Loose Women on telly every weekday afternoon.
No, what Trump is attempting to do is far more thrilling and earth shattering.
He wants to change the Coca-Cola recipe.
His Big Idea is to swap corn syrup for cane sugar, which we're guessing would mean that Coca-Cola will transform from tasting just like Coca-Cola… to tasting just like Coca-Cola.
Maybe the President should demand that Irn-Bru flavouring be added to Coke, which would improve the zinginess, and add a dashing streak of orange to the funereal black colouring.
Thankfully Donald hasn't demanded that the Diary change its recipe of funny stories garnished with funny stories, and finally a soupçon of funny stories sprinkled on top.
As the following classic tales from our archives will prove, there's no messing with a winning formula.
Decisions, decisions
A Perth reader holidaying in New York was much taken with the chap trying to encourage folk to attend a comedy club in Manhattan.
He stopped one pregnant woman and asked her: 'Comedy show?'
'No, thanks,' she replied.
Not giving up, he then implored, as he pointed to her stomach: 'Oh, come on. You might as well make another bad decision.'
Smashing luck
A thirsty reader was in a Scottish-themed bar in Florence, and was served the red wine he asked for in an oversized brandy glass.
When he mentioned that this was very generous, the waiter explained that there had been a fight the night before and they were short of unbroken wine glasses.
Foreign affairs
A Scottish teacher at an international school in Cairo told us that when her class trooped in, and the last pupil left the door open, she automatically asked: 'Who was born in a barn?'
Her puzzled Lebanese pupil replied: 'Was it Jesus, miss?'
Food for thought
A reader told us that at his local golf club the barmaid was told that the soup of the day was venison broth.
She then chalked up on the menu board to the puzzlement of customers: 'Venice and Broth.'
'Deer, oh deer,' said our reader.
Loser takes all
'I don't think I'll win the lottery,' sighed a chap in the pub. 'There were two pens on the lottery stand at the newsagent, and I couldn't even pick the one that worked.'
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South Wales Argus
43 minutes ago
- South Wales Argus
Officers considering legal action against Police Scotland over Trump visit plans
The Scottish Police Federation (SPF), which represents 98% of all police officers in Scotland, said the force has already breached health and safety standards in the run up to the visit by the US president. Thousands of officers are expected to be involved in what Police Scotland has described as a 'significant policing operation'. The White House confirmed Mr Trump will visit his golf courses in Aberdeenshire and Ayrshire between July 25 and 29. Thousands of officers are expected to be impacted by Donald Trump's five-day visit to Scotland (Andrew Milligan/PA) He will meet the Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer and the First Minister John Swinney during his private trip. The visit is likely to result in widespread protests, following similar demonstrations during his last visit to Scotland. David Kennedy, general secretary of the SPF, suggested planning for the visit has already put officers at risk. He said: 'We currently have workforce agreements in place to protect police officers and provide minimum standards of Health and Safety at work. 'Sadly, we have seen these agreements breached in the days leading to the arrival of Potus (President of the United States) and as such we are seeking legal advice regarding potential legal action against the service.' Speaking to STV News, Mr Kennedy said he had 'major concerns' about the plans to police Mr Trump's trip. He told the broadcaster: 'We do not have enough police officers in Scotland. 'Anyone that says we do, I don't know where they get those figures from. 'We know what police officers have to do day in, day out and we need more officers in Scotland. 'When these events come along that puts those officers that are here under so much pressure.' David Kennedy said the Scottish Police Federation is looking at legal action against Police Scotland (Andrew Milligan/PA) Police Scotland said earlier this month it would seek help from the Scottish and UK Governments over the 'considerable' cost of policing the visit. It has also asked for support from Northern Ireland's police force, the PSNI. There had been speculation the King would host the American leader in Scotland after a meeting was suggested at Balmoral or Dumfries House, in a letter he wrote to Mr Trump in February inviting him to make the state visit. But it is understood that both sides will wait until the president's official state visit later this year. Police Scotland's Assistant Chief Constable Emma Bond said: 'We are working closely with the Scottish Police Federation to address any concerns they may have.' A spokesperson for the PSNI said: 'There are well established processes for any UK-based police services to request support from other services at times of peak demand. 'These requests are managed via the National Police Co-ordination Centre (NPoCC) and we can confirm that PSNI have received a request to provide mutual aid to Police Scotland which we are currently assessing. 'The decision to provide officers under the mutual aid process will be considered against our own demands, ensuring that we retain the capacity to respond effectively to local issues and maintain our own operational competence.'
South Wales Guardian
43 minutes ago
- South Wales Guardian
Officers considering legal action against Police Scotland over Trump visit plans
The Scottish Police Federation (SPF), which represents 98% of all police officers in Scotland, said the force has already breached health and safety standards in the run up to the visit by the US president. Thousands of officers are expected to be involved in what Police Scotland has described as a 'significant policing operation'. The White House confirmed Mr Trump will visit his golf courses in Aberdeenshire and Ayrshire between July 25 and 29. He will meet the Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer and the First Minister John Swinney during his private trip. The visit is likely to result in widespread protests, following similar demonstrations during his last visit to Scotland. David Kennedy, general secretary of the SPF, suggested planning for the visit has already put officers at risk. He said: 'We currently have workforce agreements in place to protect police officers and provide minimum standards of Health and Safety at work. 'Sadly, we have seen these agreements breached in the days leading to the arrival of Potus (President of the United States) and as such we are seeking legal advice regarding potential legal action against the service.' Speaking to STV News, Mr Kennedy said he had 'major concerns' about the plans to police Mr Trump's trip. He told the broadcaster: 'We do not have enough police officers in Scotland. 'Anyone that says we do, I don't know where they get those figures from. 'We know what police officers have to do day in, day out and we need more officers in Scotland. 'When these events come along that puts those officers that are here under so much pressure.' Police Scotland said earlier this month it would seek help from the Scottish and UK Governments over the 'considerable' cost of policing the visit. It has also asked for support from Northern Ireland's police force, the PSNI. There had been speculation the King would host the American leader in Scotland after a meeting was suggested at Balmoral or Dumfries House, in a letter he wrote to Mr Trump in February inviting him to make the state visit. But it is understood that both sides will wait until the president's official state visit later this year. Police Scotland's Assistant Chief Constable Emma Bond said: 'We are working closely with the Scottish Police Federation to address any concerns they may have.' A spokesperson for the PSNI said: 'There are well established processes for any UK-based police services to request support from other services at times of peak demand. 'These requests are managed via the National Police Co-ordination Centre (NPoCC) and we can confirm that PSNI have received a request to provide mutual aid to Police Scotland which we are currently assessing. 'The decision to provide officers under the mutual aid process will be considered against our own demands, ensuring that we retain the capacity to respond effectively to local issues and maintain our own operational competence.'
Powys County Times
an hour ago
- Powys County Times
Officers considering legal action against Police Scotland over Trump visit plans
Officers are weighing up legal action against Police Scotland over its plans for Donald Trump's visit to the country this month. The Scottish Police Federation (SPF), which represents 98% of all police officers in Scotland, said the force has already breached health and safety standards in the run up to the visit by the US president. Thousands of officers are expected to be involved in what Police Scotland has described as a 'significant policing operation'. The White House confirmed Mr Trump will visit his golf courses in Aberdeenshire and Ayrshire between July 25 and 29. He will meet the Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer and the First Minister John Swinney during his private trip. The visit is likely to result in widespread protests, following similar demonstrations during his last visit to Scotland. David Kennedy, general secretary of the SPF, suggested planning for the visit has already put officers at risk. He said: 'We currently have workforce agreements in place to protect police officers and provide minimum standards of Health and Safety at work. 'Sadly, we have seen these agreements breached in the days leading to the arrival of Potus (President of the United States) and as such we are seeking legal advice regarding potential legal action against the service.' Speaking to STV News, Mr Kennedy said he had 'major concerns' about the plans to police Mr Trump's trip. He told the broadcaster: 'We do not have enough police officers in Scotland. 'Anyone that says we do, I don't know where they get those figures from. 'We know what police officers have to do day in, day out and we need more officers in Scotland. 'When these events come along that puts those officers that are here under so much pressure.' Police Scotland said earlier this month it would seek help from the Scottish and UK Governments over the 'considerable' cost of policing the visit. It has also asked for support from Northern Ireland's police force, the PSNI. There had been speculation the King would host the American leader in Scotland after a meeting was suggested at Balmoral or Dumfries House, in a letter he wrote to Mr Trump in February inviting him to make the state visit. But it is understood that both sides will wait until the president's official state visit later this year. Police Scotland's Assistant Chief Constable Emma Bond said: 'We are working closely with the Scottish Police Federation to address any concerns they may have.' A spokesperson for the PSNI said: 'There are well established processes for any UK-based police services to request support from other services at times of peak demand. 'These requests are managed via the National Police Co-ordination Centre (NPoCC) and we can confirm that PSNI have received a request to provide mutual aid to Police Scotland which we are currently assessing. 'The decision to provide officers under the mutual aid process will be considered against our own demands, ensuring that we retain the capacity to respond effectively to local issues and maintain our own operational competence.'
