He was called a hero during Pulse, but he wants to remember the music instead
He saw it as a means to an end.
'I actually want to feel the letting go,' Hansen said when WFTV first met up with him Wednesday. 'I want to feel the if I feel anything at all when I walk in, see if I can feel eerie, or if I can still remember the dancing and then hear the music and hear the laughter of everything before the chaos.'
Most of all, he said he wanted to find the wall where he hid from the gunman, and if possible, touch the bullet hole on the other side.
After his visit on Friday, he had many things to say about the 30 minutes he had months to anticipate.
'Confused,' he described. 'Emotional.'
Hansen said he walked through Pulse as he did on June 12, 2016. He pretended to pay a cover at the door. He went to the bar and bought his final drink. Memories began flooding in of victims and survivors dancing.
'The [dance] floor is gone. The bar is still there, but I thought the wall was missing' he said. 'I went to the wall, and I leaned up against it, and I'm like, 'Maybe this was the wall.' And I felt like, was I hiding from it all? The whole time? Was I in the corner?'
Hansen said the building felt smaller than before, noting that time slows down in moments of chaos. He said he stuck his hand into the fountain where police busted through the wall, naming it a 'fountain of life.'
He couldn't remember what happened after he escaped, when he jumped into action to carry other survivors to get help and triage some of the wounded. His actions had him branded a hero.
'I tried, but I couldn't, I couldn't get past the beauty behind my pain,' he said, tearing up. 'I still remember the dancing, the laughter, the joy, and I think that's where I want to leave it.'
He quoted song lyrics several times during his interview, and pulled in the woman who he credited with saving him: Michelle Rampone, a counselor who drove to Orlando after hearing about the Pulse attack and allowed Hansen to stay in her hotel room because his car keys and credit cards were locked inside the club.
The two have been friends ever since. Hansen asked her to accompany him and his father into the club.
'It was very emotional, especially the floor, you know?' she recalled. 'There were certain things that were very difficult to see and imagine what went on, and I've heard a lot of different stories from different people. I was just happy I could be here.'
Hansen said he would turn his focus to the future and to his Rainbow Remembrance project that displays flags and messages of hope in honor of violence victims.
He said he didn't think he'd return for the 10th anniversary next year but planned to come back for the 11th to see the finished permanent memorial.
'I'm ready to move forward,' he said. 'I'm not going to forget [Pulse], but… I'm going to put a period at the end of that chapter and move to the next chapter. It's time for a change. It's time for a transition. It's time to move forward from Orlando.'
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