Carolyn Hax: Family disappointed in daughter for choosing science PhD over law
Dear Carolyn: My dad, uncle and grandfather are all lawyers, and I always thought I wanted to be one, too. Until I realized in college I was much more interested in science. I switched my major to microbiology and graduated with honors. Now I'm in my last year of my PhD program, but according to my dad, I'm a huge failure and a disappointment.
My younger cousin graduated from law school and joined the family law firm, and it's all he can talk about. My mom said I shouldn't have gotten his hopes up all those years I said I wanted to be a lawyer. They also are still complaining that my switching majors cost them extra tuition.
It's not like I pulled a deliberate bait-and-switch; I changed my mind.
When my dad asked what my plans were and I told him I'd be looking for a postdoc position, he said I was going to waste my life in academia and never make any real money.
I think most parents would be overjoyed their daughter is getting a doctorate, but mine act like I'm a dropout and a failure. There's no way to make your parents supportive or proud of you, though, is there?
— Changed My Mind
Changed My Mind: Not having these parents' support sounds like a compliment.
I'm sorry. Your dad's ego is bad enough, but the flights of absurdity your mom undertook to normalize it were a thing to behold. A Blue Angel of enablers. Sweet deity.
You can't make them stop complaining about your PhD (!), but you can take your ears somewhere blissfully free of their strain of narcissistic jerkery at its onset. First whisper thereof. Every time.
Except when your dad asks about your work. Then say, always, verbatim, 'Wasting my life in academia and not making any real money.'
I realize trashing your parents is complicated; no doubt there's love there, plus parental approval carries special weight. (Like a third doughnut.) But there's nothing defensible in their behavior — except perhaps in its power to motivate you to go all in on backing yourself.
If détente is what you want, then don't underestimate the power of your father's vanity as a pathway back in: 'Pop, take some credit for the intellectual variety of the gene pool.'
And since apparently it has occurred to no one in that pool to say this: Congratulations.
Re: PhD: My parents don't understand my PhD, either. Mine is in studying fire. My mother literally referred to me as a 'pyro' throughout grad school and my postdoc. Now that I have a rather prestigious full-time position, I have been upgraded to 'scientist.'
I can't help bring your parents around — they either will or won't on their own — but I can say there are jobs out there they can't even imagine. All they know of, probably, are the terribly paid and exploited adjunct professor positions in the news. They are worried about you and showing it in the worst way possible. Hopefully.
— Scientist
Scientist: Thanks. Not bad for a pyro.
For PhD: If it makes you feel any better, my father said 'I hope this is not the end of your academic career' during my law school graduation. Why, yes, he has a PhD.
— Lawyer
Lawyer: Can we get the two dads together? (And then run?)
Re: PhD: Please stop going to a well that is dry. You are asking for approval, acceptance, even an 'I'm happy for you,' and neither of your parents has it to give. Cultivate other relationships that are genuinely supportive.
— Anonymous
Re: Pyro: Now, now. That is Dr. Pyro to you.
— Dr. Pyro
Dr. Pyro: Right. My bad.
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