Gay Men Who Came Out Later In Life Are Sharing The Turning Point That Made Them Accept Their Sexuality

Yahoo

8 hours ago

As most people probably know, for LGBTQ+ folks, discovering their sexuality can be a deeply personal and often winding journey, unique to each individual. For some, realizing their sexuality is something they understand and embrace from a young age, while for others, the path to understanding and accepting their identity unfolds gradually, shaped by life experiences, relationships, and self-reflection. So, it's not uncommon for people to fully come to terms with being gay later in life, and that timeline is just as valid and meaningful as any other.
Recently, I came across a Reddit thread from a few years ago where user cloakeslayer was curious about those people who came out later when they asked: "Men who came out later in life, what was the turning point for you?"
The thread got hundreds of responses from gay and bi men who opened up about their journey. Below are a few of their stories:
1."I am 47. I was 13 in 1986, and there was no chance of coming out then. At that time, the last thing you wanted to be was gay (at least in my mind). It wasn't until I was 26 or 27, I forget, that a very good friend finally asked me when I was gonna come out of the closet. I was so freaked out, I told him I didn't know what he was talking about. Eventually, after a mental breakdown, a lot of booze and tears, I finally admitted I was gay. (This was the '90s in Orlando, FL.) So, my friend got me to talk to other gay guys and try to accept myself. But, I didn't accept myself... I just admitted to being gay, but I didn't accept myself."
"Then I moved and got into a job that put me in a lot of small towns. I went back in the closet big time, and did not socialize or tried not to. During this time, I saw several co-workers get together, get married, and now have kids, which made me really sad.
Anyhow, over the past two years, I have been seeing a therapist and finally came out for real...to myself. I am still struggling, but now I don't put sex into 'right' or 'wrong' categories. And I'm learning that being gay is normal and not really a big deal. Life is brutal and terrible and lonely and horrible for a lot of people, gay, straight, bi, or whatever.
I'm still struggling with a lot of self-hate and self-esteem issues, etc. But it's getting better."
—None
2."I came out at 31, one wife, one daughter, and one son later. For me, it had to do with my personal happiness and my desire to be the best parent I could be. Knowing that I couldn't be completely happy in my current situation, I took a risk that paid off for us all. It's been 16 years since I came out — my kiddos are grown and successfully contributing members of society, and my ex-wife is still one of my closest allies. I'm thankful it worked out well for me."
—None
3."I came out at 38 (March 2019) after almost 12 years of marriage to a woman. I knew I was gay since high school, but growing up in a very conservative church set the stage for not being able to accept it. I believed that purity culture lie that said, 'Meet a nice girl, save yourself for marriage, buy a house, find a good job, have a kid, and everything will be alright.' I did all that but still only ever watched gay porn, even while married to a woman."
"There were several things that contributed to the straight facade cracking for me, but the main one was jerking off with guys without her knowledge, starting in 2016. My rule was that we would only jerk off. One day, I kissed one of the guys. That was the beginning of the end. I'm out to family, and they're very supportive; they're sorry I had to carry that around for so long. Things with my ex were obviously difficult at first, but now we're great friends and co-parenting our 6-year-old son. I've made some great friends along the way and have had some great experiences. I am more myself than I ever have been because I've accepted myself and have the freedom to pursue it."
—queerwondering
4."I'm 50. Accepted my bisexuality at 45, but had my first experience with a guy at 32. Spent the next 13 years debating whether I liked the experience or not. In the meantime, I kept watching gay porn, but would not accept it and felt guilty after jerking off to it. Got the courage to go out and had sex with another guy, and, afterwards, I was at peace with myself. Did a few hookups until I found a guy, and we both developed some feelings. Told my wife about it. Almost broke our marriage. Still working through it. Still got urges, but can live with them. Turning point: the guy I had developed feelings for."
—guajiro12003
5."When I was going through puberty, I would sneak onto the computer and look at porn. It wasn't until I saw gay porn that I knew I was gay. That being said, I used to cry about it and repressed those feelings as much as I could. I had an issue with self-identifying as gay. Some of that was just straight-up homophobia. I didn't identify with the people who were gay that I saw on TV. That was me trying to convince myself that it meant that I couldn't be gay. I don't think I'd be able to accept anyone else if I weren't able to accept myself. I was also really concerned with people in my life and how they'd react. As I got older, I had a few girlfriends, and when things would begin to get physical, I couldn't reciprocate, and things would shortly disintegrate. I was resigned to being alone forever. I decided to pour everything I had into my work and ignore that part of my life."
"At the age of 26, I had just finished a large-ish project, and I had previously thought that I would be happy after it was done. I was incredibly sad. I felt alone, sad, unfulfilled, and I had no hope for the future. I needed to feel this, apparently. I had never really addressed how I actually felt and what I actually needed. I knew I had to confront the fact that I am gay, that I want to be gay, that I want to have a fulfilling relationship, and that being gay was a part of what would make me happy.
I remember deciding to tell my parents first. This was truly terrifying. I didn't know how they would react as we never really discussed it before. I just sat there and cried not saying a word for a few minutes, then took a deep breath, and told my mom. She was accepting and then I told my dad. Thankfully, he was too.
Now I'm completely out and I do not hide it. I'm engaged to a wonderful person. Work is going well. That work seems more satisfying. I'm 35, going on 36. There were many bumps in the road there, but I'm happy now."
—SpaceJocky
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6."I'm a bi guy, but, for the longest time, I was only ever romantically attracted to women. Physically, it was both, but mentally, it was women only. I'd never crushed on a guy, never wanted to date one, never dreamed of a future with one. I had guy friends, and I'd had sex with enough guys, but that was that."
"I had an FWB at the time, and one morning while lying in bed reading, I realized I was daydreaming about waking up next to him and heading out together to go do our things. It had been happening for probably half an hour or so before I realized that it was happening, and it threw me for a loop. Had to do some real soul searching. I was 33, had never come out because I hadn't needed to, and eventually I had to admit I had fallen hard for him. I thought I knew myself, being not exactly young, but apparently I didn't. I honestly had never wanted anything more with a guy than friendship or just something sexual, so I assumed I never would.
And then I had to consider what to do next: keep it casual, or try to move into a relationship? And if we were to make it more official, it wouldn't be fair to keep him as my dirty secret. So, after seeing if he wanted to take the next step, which he did, I summoned up the courage to sit my oldest friends and family down and tell them.
Friends were great, family was very mixed, which was upsetting. But it needed to be done. The relationship didn't last, but it was a big and necessary step which I'm glad I took."
—flyboy_za
7."I am a major outlier statistically. Coming out to myself was a very long process that finally culminated in my acknowledgment that I am not 'straight' at the age of 65. I was deeply repressed — I 'felt normal' for what it's worth, but had a miserable sex life until I stopped having sex altogether when I was 58. Sex stressed me, and gave me no joy"
"Then I found myself constantly fantasizing about giving blow jobs. I connected with a gay friend who had become the object of my fantasies. That first experience rocked my world completely. It was the first sexual experience in my memory that was free of anxiety. I treasure that memory of one of the most joyful and happy experiences of my life. Literally overnight, everything changed for me. I saw and understood myself differently. I was happy in my own skin.
I was with my friend for a bit more than three years. I discovered with him all of the joy of sex that I had previously believed was 'the BIG Lie.' I buried him in Feb. 2018 (COPD). Even with my sadness, I feel gifted and blessed to have come to this point. I realize that there was a real possibility I could have continued to live in denial and die never meeting my whole self.
Since my coming out, I have recovered lots of memories. Something in one of these comments here triggered a memory of my father telling me that, 'No matter what, we love you. You can tell me anything.' His words locked me up, and I couldn't respond. Now I know that they knew. But I couldn't open the door even an inch to the idea that I was homosexual. It is one of those moments I wish I could travel back to and relive with my current self-awareness. I wonder what my adulthood would have been like had I known myself better and been less afraid."
—lpoulain
8."I realized I was gay last year after 36 years. I kinda always knew, but I wasn't sure, I guess. After seeing a gay guy I could see myself with, I started to question myself more. I live in a small town and there is no queer representation here, but I also have almost zero sexual attraction to anyone. So it was really hard to get to the conclusion without the help of physical interaction (doing the self-discovery process during lockdown). I told one of my friends a month later, I guess, and after a couple of months, I told the whole world, I guess."
—kanetsukuri
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9."I'm currently 39, and came out around age 27–28. I was raised in the religious 'you can change' culture. I was fairly certain I wouldn't change, but I felt like I owed it to God to try before questioning and changing the beliefs I was raised with. After spending years doing all the manly things that were supposed to straighten me out, I had a particular weekend — a men-only whitewater rafting trip — where I realized I had achieved all the things I was aiming for that were supposed to change me, and I was still 100% gay."
"Once I knew the gay wasn't going anywhere, I figured I would want to be able to be open and honest with people from then on, regardless of how the rest of my life went. I only waited that long to spare myself and my conservative friends and family the grief and heartache of my coming out, just in case I ended up changing. Now I've been married to a great guy for eight years!"
—Strongdar
10."I came out when I was 46 (will be 49 in March). Married for 23 years with three kids. I had always known I was gay, or at least bi. I grew up in a Christian home and always attended church. The turning point for me was when I had surgery and had a piece of my kidney taken out. After that, I had to live my life happily. Not saying I wasn't happy with my family. I would do it all over again for them. My kids were old enough to know and understand when I did. Never thought I would."
"I always thought that I would sneak out and cheat on her. I care what people think of me, and didn't want to let anybody down. When I came out, it was the biggest relief off my shoulders. I am truly happy. I met a guy and we have been together for almost two years. I always just wanted the FWB status, but after eight months, he came into my life, and we haven't looked back. All my kids love him as well. I could go on, but I won't."
—DaddiNtwink
11."I'm 61 (M), and I came out as bisexual at 44. It was because my stepson, at 11–12, came out as gay, and this pushed me to be truthful. As a very confused teenager who didn't understand the double attraction, and not having anyone to compare or talk to, I had kept it private for years."
—MRicho
12."I was about to turn 38, and my beautiful wife was about to turn 33. She looked amazing in a red dress, and in that moment, I realized that I still had an opportunity to give her a life that she deserved with a man who wasn't living a divided life. In my profile, I share my coming out experience. I am 42 now, and she and I are the best of friends."
—MexiTot408
13."I came out to myself in October 2019 at 36. I really thought I was going to die in the closet. I had repressed it for so long, but my wife and I were not getting along. I wanted to start couples therapy, but she insisted it was me and that I go to therapy, and what would you know, she was right! Although she never suspected the end result. I still planned to just IDK, try to figure things out with her, but then I reconnected with my best childhood friend who came out to me as bi, and at that point, I was, if you can do this, so can I. Told him I was bi, then the next day I told him I lied, that I was gay. That really started it all for me."
"Got a new therapist with a new focus and made a plan to come out to my wife. It was so hard, but also so freeing. We have two kids and are currently going through all of the not-fun parts of the divorce, but we've been good co-parents, and I hope that once we put this part behind us, we can be some sort of 'friends' someday. We don't hate each other, but it's just all raw and hurtful at the moment, and that kind of stuff takes time. I wouldn't change anything about my past because my kids are my world, but I am so happy that I can finally be truly happy. I thought I was happy before, and, sure, there were moments of happiness (and I don't mean to imply I was always unhappy), but this part of me was missing, and I'm glad I found it."
—thelinedpaper
14."About a year prior to the end of my relationship with my last girlfriend, I made a pact with myself. If my relationship with her were to end, I would give men a shot. I had known since puberty that I was attracted to men, but I just never acted on it. I didn't want to reach old age having never been with a man and regret it. My husband and I have been married for two and a half years."
—TheAntonChigur
15."I came out at 32, after two failed marriages in a period of less than five years. I realized that there were things that I repressed because of various reasons, such as growing up at a time when being gay wasn't as accepted as it is now."
—CougarMav
16."Divorce. I came out to my wife many moons ago but it took us a long time to realize that praying the gay away wasn't working."
—stopthemadness2015
17."I'm 31 and came out to my closest friends a year ago, more or less. Here's the story: I went clubbing with some friends — but not the closest ones I have — and while being not exactly sober I kissed a random guy. Probably because I was with friends I wasn't so connected to, I felt more...free, let's say. At that point, when I realized why I did what I did, I felt bad for not being able to be honest with my closest friends. I knew I couldn't hide it anymore, and I finally told my closest circle (i.e., around 10 people. A lot of people that I consider close still don't know it, including my parents). It's been tough to admit it, especially for the long time that it took me, especially with the people who know me best. I knew it since probably three or four years ago, maybe more, even tho I was only able to say, 'I like men' or 'I'm gay' only a year ago. It's still hard."
—couch_yellow
18."I'm 40, and I came out nearly about a year-and-a-half ago at 38. My wife passed away in January of 2019. About five or six years prior to her passing away, I started to realize that I wasn't straight, and figured I must have been bisexual, as I would only ever fantasize about men and watch gay porn exclusively. I was happily married with two kids. We had a normal marriage and sex life in every way. I kept my sexuality to myself, as I felt it was irrelevant and that there was nothing I could do about it. I would never cheat on my wife, and I couldn't imagine hurting her or the kids by coming out and getting divorced. I resigned myself to holding onto this secret forever. I felt regret at times, because I met my wife at a young age (18), and she had been my only sexual partner, and I knew that having a sexual or romantic experience with a man was something that I could never have."
"After she passed away, I started seeing a therapist for grief. I was holding onto an insane amount of guilt, though. Part of me felt responsible for her death, as if my being bi or gay and that feeling of regret somehow caused it. Eventually, I came out to my therapist and slowly started coming out to others. I also realized that the label of 'gay' made more sense than 'bi,' did, as I am rarely if ever attracted to women (my wife seemed to be the exception to this, though if I am being honest, it was much more of an emotional attachment than a physical one), and have no desire to date or have sex with women.
I'm now 'out' out... my kids, family, and friends know. I even posted something on Facebook on National Coming Out Day, outing myself to the larger community of my Facebook friends.
Thinking back through my past, I think all of the signs were there as early as 12 or 13, as I can remember having crushes on boys as early as then. But I've always been a 'follow the rules' type of person, and marrying a woman and having kids was what I was 'supposed to do.' This was motivation enough for me to avoid all of the signs. In reading through the other responses of those who have come out late, I'm realizing this is a common thread.
While living with the grief of losing my best friend and partner, as well as raising a 10 and 14-year-old on my own is difficult and painful at times, I am able to recognize the silver lining in that I am now living my true self. I can't predict what would have happened if she hadn't passed away. Maybe those feelings of regret would have become unbearable after a while, and we would have ended up divorcing. But there's no way to know, and I consider it fortunate that we had our happy years together, and that my future, though different, will feature my true self."
—drfinale
You can read the original thread on Reddit.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
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