10 films from Scotland that Donald Trump might just love
Local Hero (Image: Moviestore Collection/REX) Isn't this the greatest story ever told? Drill baby drill. Burt Lancaster was fantastic as the American oil man so clever he convinces the locals he's been bamboozled by their coughing and cutesy ways, while all the time he sets out to annex the sh*t out of them. Love it, baby. And it proves that if you throw enough dollars on the table, then Greenland and Canada will join the Trump party too.
Braveheart
Braveheart (Image: free) Some newspaper critic once said this movie 'serves up a great big steaming pile of haggis,' that it got its dates all wrong, that Wallace came from Renfrewshire – not some Highland hut – and that everyone looks like they're appearing in Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome and points out that Wallace's girlfriend has perfect teeth. But didn't they also have very good dentists in the 13th century? Fake news, baby. And why was this movie deemed a little homophobic? Who's to say Edward 2nd didn't sprance around the French palace in baby blue crushed velvet? As you know, I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist, and I think the movie was right on the money. And for those who say Wallace couldn't have impregnated Isabella of France, because she would have been nine at the time in 1304, well that's just the sort of fake news you would expect from Macron's people.
Gregory's Girl
Gregory's Girl (Image: free) At first, I didn't like this guy, Gregory. He couldn't score, and unlike me the blondes didn't take to him at all. And he clearly wasn't a team player, like me. But it's a great movie because it teaches young guys what foxes women can be, that they're all Hilarys and Kamalas at heart, like the one he ended up, from the pop band who sings Happy Birthday all time. And if you're not careful women will have you lying on the grass and doing hand dancing. And what good is that?
Trainspotting
Begbie bar fight scene from Trainspotting. Filmed in the Crosslands bar, Glasgow (Image: unknown) Doncha just love the honesty in this movie, when Rent Boy declares it's sh*** being Scottish, and points out how Scotland has been colonised by England. And what he was really saying was the truth; let's not be colonised by England, but by America. Make Scotland Great Again. And hats with MSGA will be available in my golf shop in Turnberry any day now. Fifty bucks each. Awesome baby. A bigly idea.
Restless Natives
Restless Natives (Image: free) Beautiful story. About two lovable rogues – they could be JD Vance and me, couldn't they? – although JD is definitely the one in the clown mask, who take money from the tourists who have been leeching off their beautiful country for the longest time. And why shouldn't you tariff the tourists? And if they help make Scotland great again, how can you not love it?
Greyfriar's Bobby
My old Scots friend Janey Godley one described me as a 'Greyfriar's Bobby', and I took it to mean that she thought me a very, very loyal, sorta guy, the kind who find themselves surrounded each day by local kids all wearing big saucer-shaped Bisto caps and nice ladies from Morningside who were kind, although not that good looking. And I guess she thought I was the kinda guy who would sleep in a cold, damp cemetery for 14 years to be close to the person I loved most. And it's true. I would sleep next to me any day.
Whisky Galore
Whisky Galore (Image: free)
My Mama loved this movie, being an island girl herself, which is all about showing the big guys you can't be pushed around, and if you have to break a few little laws then why not? I can't stand Scotch myself, but Mama loved a glass with her porridge in the morning. And I guess Diet Coke Galore doesn't have the same ring.
Great Escape
I love prison movies. I love anything to do with Alcatraz, any way you can lock up people who eat cats. And I know this is not really a Scottish movie, but it featured only these wonderful Scottish actors, who were so brave and so defiant, like Mr Hudson from Upstairs Downstairs, one of the Men From Uncle and Wee Shughie McFee from Crossroads - who all led the way to freedom against evil with nothing but kitchen spoons to dig their way out. But we've got shovels these days to show China what we're made of. Yes, I know the Escape guys all died at the end, but don't we all at some time? Although I'm told if you drink enough bleach you can push that off almost indefinitely.
The Wicker Man
The Wicker Man (Image: free) I love the theme of human sacrifice, because all of us humans have to sacrifice something, right? That's what I said to Zebedee, or Zelensky, or whatever his name is. I said, 'Look at me, I've sacrificed my freedom as an individual to make America great again, I've given up on my ego.' He looked at me in awe, which told me he agreed totally. But back to the movie. Isn't it great that men are portrayed in roles of power and women are hypersexualized and isn't this the way it should be? What's the point of sexy underwear if you can't wear it in a movie? I know Scottish underwear relies on a lot of heavy flannel, but that can work too. But wasn't it great that Britt Ekland didn't have to wear any, although I hear Rod wasn't too happy about it, but then he doesn't play golf, and he used to wear Spandex trousers so who the hell cares?
Geordie
Young handsome guy with great hair and a beautiful smile becomes champion of the world... You can see why I love this film. Okay, I've never slept with my feet out the window on a cold winter's night, except the time Stormy ran over my toes with the golf buggy. What's also great about this movie is Geordie wasn't seduced by the Russian with the big biceps – that would have been a terrible thing – but the moral of this movie is sometimes you've gotta kiss a little ass to get what you want, which is the cute babe with the fruit in her hat and world domination.
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