Marriage is a game. Economics can teach us how to play it.
Marriage is a negotiation game. A marriage involves compromises that need to be negotiated. For example, decisions about money, work, chores, children, and aging parents must be agreed upon. If the inside terms of the negotiation are worse than the outside options for either spouse, the negotiation will fall apart, along with the marriage.
Marriage is a commitment game. Every day we play commitment games with our future selves. For example, when I buy an elliptical machine for my home, I commit to using it. If I don't follow through on that commitment, the purchase becomes a costly mistake. However, it is much easier to sell an elliptical machine than to get a divorce. If you or your partner cannot predict what you each want one, five, or ten years into the marriage, you may wake up one morning and ask for a divorce.
In economics, time inconsistency refers to a situation in which a person's preferences shift over time to the point where they cannot make optimal choices if the consequences come in the future. When I purchase an elliptical machine today, I do so with the intention that my future self will want to exercise on it. Similarly, when people get married today, they do so with the intention that their future selves will also want to be married. However, sometimes our intentions differ from reality. When it comes time to use the elliptical machine, I may not feel motivated to exercise. When intentions don't align with actions, it's easy to make regrettable choices. That applies to the choices of whether to buy the elliptical machine and whether to say 'I do.'
It's hard to anticipate what your future self will be like because it is common for a person's objectives to change over time. Believing that your future preferences will be the same as your current preferences is a form of projection bias. Projection bias is the tendency for individuals to overestimate the extent to which their current preferences, attitudes, or beliefs will remain consistent over time. People underappreciate how their choices, experiences, and environment can change themselves. For example, projection bias can cause a hungry shopper to buy too many groceries. When someone is hungry, they tend to underappreciate how their taste might change after going home and having a meal. Likewise, an engaged couple may similarly underappreciate how their relationship objectives might change after the honeymoon phase.
To combat projection bias when deciding to get married, make an educated guess about your future self and try to imagine multiple scenarios. This is the same exercise I recommend for deciding to buy a home. But when it comes to marriage — which comes with even more emotions than purchasing a home — it's essential to take a step back and view the relationship objectively. (It may help to pretend your relationship isn't your own but that of a close friend.) Think through the best-case scenarios and the worst-case scenarios for the relationship. Weigh each scenario by its likelihood, and make a decision that makes you the best off in the most likely scenarios while still making plans for less likely scenarios. If the default divorce laws in your state or country don't adequately protect you against the worst-case scenarios, then a prenuptial agreement may be in order.
To make matters more complicated, the negotiation and commitment games within a marriage can affect each other. For example, when a couple constantly engages in brinkmanship to win every marital negotiation, that is a sign the couple is not committed to the relationship. The movie "Two Can Play That Game" warns of the dangers of brinkmanship. In the end, Vivica A. Fox's character learns that her constant threats to leave her boyfriend have weakened her chances of having a healthy, committed relationship.
In game theory, brinkmanship is when players engage in a high-stakes game of chicken. Players attempt to gain the upper hand by taking increasingly risky actions to force the opposition to retreat. This strategy is often used when players are locked in a dispute and neither side is willing to compromise. For example, during a cold war, a country may threaten to use nuclear weapons to force the other side to agree to their demands. In a relationship, a partner may threaten to go nuclear: threatening a breakup to force the other partner to give in. However, for this tactic to be effective, the threats must be credible. No cheap talk.
But who would want to be in a relationship when they are constantly treated like the enemy? Winning a short-term game of brinkmanship can degrade a partner's expectations about the value of the relationship moving forward and increase the likelihood that, eventually, the relationship will end.
Making a binding and externally forced commitment, like getting legally married, can help end relationship brinkmanship. That's according to research published in the Journal of Law, Economics, and Organization. In the researchers' economic model, commitments with consequences end any brinkmanship. Brinkmanship is an irrational strategy when both sides know they would be worse off breaking the commitment.
So getting married can make a relationship more stable, but it doesn't make life easy. It's easier to worry only about personal goals. Being married is like participating in an endless group project. When things are going well, it's easy to recognize your partner's hard work, but when things are going badly, it's tempting to assign blame to your spouse. At 3 a.m., when the baby is crying, there's poop on the crib sheets, and the laundry is sitting wet in the washing machine, it's hard to stay rational. It's hard to remember you're both on the same team. You can't get mad at the baby, so you get mad at each other; you blame each other or yourselves.
I've learned that the only way to win a fight like that is to take a deep breath and repeat the mantra 'You're doing the best you can; we both are.' Because that kind of a fight isn't about negotiating terms, it's about accepting adversity as a fact of life.
"Two Can Play That Game" has a happy ending: both Fox and Chestnut verbally commit to stop playing games and instead work on creating the type of relationship they want to commit to, in good times and bad. It would be interesting to see a sequel that addresses whether that verbal agreement was a strong enough commitment to keep them together.
Half of first marriages end in divorce, and the share is even higher for second and third marriages. Therefore, it is safe to assume that most couples consider divorce at some point.
Getting married is like locking yourself in a gated garden and throwing away the key; divorce is like picking the lock. Divorce is costly, but when the outside option of ending the marriage is more valuable than remaining married, the cost can be worth the gain.
Some people will never choose to pick the lock. They value the idea of marriage too much; it's too important, for personal, religious, or social reasons. Others see divorce as a viable outside option, especially when the garden is dead, dying, or unhealthy.
Even without divorce, all marriages end at some point. If a marriage doesn't end in divorce, it will end in death, so either way, one person is going to have to go on independently for a short or long rest of their life — a reminder to not take options for granted, because options can go away.
Daryl Fairweather is the author of "Hate the Game: Economic Cheat Codes for Life, Love, and Work" and the chief economist of Redfin.
This article originally appeared on Indianapolis Star: 'Hate the Game': What economics tells us about marriage | Opinion
Hashtags
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Yahoo
2 days ago
- Yahoo
15 Myths About Marriage That Keep People Miserable
When it comes to marriage, everyone seems to have an opinion. Unfortunately, many myths about marriage can make you feel like you're doing it all wrong. You've probably heard these myths from well-meaning friends or even seen them in movies. But believing these misconceptions can set you up for disappointment and stress. Here are 15 myths about marriage that could be keeping you from truly enjoying your relationship. 1. Love Is All You Need You might have grown up believing that love conquers all, but in marriage, love alone isn't always enough. Sure, love is essential, but you also need compatibility, communication, and shared values. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, emphasizes that successful marriages are built on trust and commitment, not just love. Without the right foundation and mutual goals, love can quickly turn into frustration. So, while love is crucial, it's just one piece of the puzzle. Marriage requires effort and dedication, which means working on your relationship even when love feels scarce. Love can wax and wane, but the bond you create through shared experiences and challenges is what sustains you long-term. Think of love as the spark that ignites your relationship and compatibility, and effort as the fuel that keeps it burning. By focusing on more than just love, you'll be better prepared for the inevitable ups and downs. Let love be your guide, but remember it takes more to make a marriage thrive. 2. Happy Couples Never Fight It's easy to assume that happy couples never argue, but that couldn't be further from the truth. Every couple has disagreements; what matters is how you handle them. Effective communication and conflict resolution skills are essential for a healthy marriage. Avoiding conflict may seem like a good strategy, but it often leads to resentment and misunderstandings. Embrace your disagreements as opportunities to grow closer and understand each other better. Some couples avoid arguments altogether, fearing they'll harm their relationship. But bottling up emotions can create a pressure cooker effect, causing bigger blowups later. Instead of shying away from conflict, focus on understanding each other's perspectives and finding a middle ground. You can strengthen your relationship by addressing issues head-on and learning to compromise. Remember, it's not about winning the argument but finding a resolution that works for both of you. 3. Marriage Fixes Everything Some people believe that marriage will magically solve all their problems, but that's a myth. Marriage can provide support and companionship, but it doesn't erase individual issues. Dr. Sue Johnson, a clinical psychologist, points out that unresolved personal problems often resurface in marriage. If you're struggling with personal issues, it's crucial to address them before tying the knot. Otherwise, you risk bringing baggage into the relationship, creating tension and conflict. Marriage can certainly provide a strong support system, but it shouldn't be seen as a cure-all. Expecting marriage to solve your problems can lead to disappointment and frustration. Instead, focus on working through personal challenges and establishing a solid partnership. A healthy marriage involves two individuals who can support each other while also taking responsibility for their growth. Address your issues head-on and view marriage as a partnership, not a solution. 4. You Should Always Feel In Love Many people mistakenly believe that they should always feel "in love" in a marriage. But the reality is that relationships naturally ebb and flow. Life can get busy, and the initial excitement may fade, but that doesn't mean your love is gone. It's important to understand that love evolves, and feeling less in love doesn't mean there's something wrong with your marriage. Instead of focusing on the feeling, prioritize nurturing your relationship and rediscovering each other. Maintaining a sense of connection requires effort and intentionality. Explore new activities together, make time for each other, and communicate openly about your needs and desires. Reignite the spark by reminiscing about your early days or creating new memories together. Understanding that love changes over time can help you appreciate the different phases of your relationship. Embrace the evolution of your love and work to keep the connection strong. 5. Your Partner Should Complete You The idea of a "better half" might sound romantic, but expecting your partner to complete you is unrealistic. You're a whole person with your dreams, desires, and goals. Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor, emphasizes the importance of vulnerability and self-acceptance in relationships. A strong marriage involves two individuals who support and complement each other rather than complete each other. Relying on your partner for validation can lead to codependency and dissatisfaction. Instead of looking to your partner to fill gaps in your life, focus on personal growth and self-discovery. Being your best self allows you to contribute positively to the relationship. A healthy marriage is built on mutual respect and support, not dependency. Encourage each other to pursue individual interests and celebrate each other's accomplishments. By recognizing your wholeness and supporting your partner's individuality, you'll create a stronger, more fulfilling bond. 6. Marriage Is 50/50 The belief that marriage should always be a 50/50 partnership is a common misconception. While fairness is important, relationships are rarely perfectly equal. Sometimes you'll need to give more, and other times your partner will. The key is maintaining a balance that works for both of you and being flexible when things shift. Open communication and understanding are crucial for navigating these changes. Life is unpredictable, and circumstances can change, requiring you to adjust your expectations. Couples who focus on maintaining strict equality may struggle when things don't go as planned. Instead of keeping score, aim for a partnership built on trust and mutual support. Be ready to step up when needed and trust that your partner will do the same. A successful marriage involves teamwork and a willingness to adapt as life unfolds. 7. Marriage Kills Romance Some people fear that marriage marks the end of romance, but that's not necessarily true. Keeping romance alive is possible, but it requires effort and creativity. According to Dr. Terri Orbuch, a professor at Oakland University, small gestures and regular check-ins can help maintain the romantic spark. It's about finding ways to show appreciation and affection in everyday life. Romance isn't just about grand gestures; it's the little things that make a difference. Make it a priority to keep the romance alive by planning date nights, surprising each other with thoughtful gestures, and expressing love and admiration. Be intentional about creating moments of connection and intimacy. Remember, romance doesn't have to be elaborate or expensive; it's about showing your partner they matter. By prioritizing romance, you'll strengthen your emotional connection and keep the fire burning. Embrace the challenge of keeping romance alive and enjoy the rewards it brings. 8. Marriage Means Losing Independence One common fear is that marriage means sacrificing your independence, but that's a myth. A healthy marriage allows you to maintain your individuality while building a life together. It's essential to balance your own needs with the needs of the relationship. Encouraging your partner to pursue their interests and goals can strengthen your bond. Remember, a successful marriage is about supporting each other, not losing yourself. Maintaining independence doesn't mean distancing yourself from your partner. Instead, it's about being true to yourself and honoring your passions. Share your experiences with your partner and celebrate each other's achievements. A strong marriage involves two individuals who can stand on their own while supporting each other. By fostering independence, you'll create a more dynamic and fulfilling relationship. 9. Marriage Is The End Of Freedom There's a misconception that marriage marks the end of freedom, but that's not true. The freedom you experience changes, but it doesn't disappear. In a healthy marriage, both partners work together to create a life that honors their individual needs and desires. Open communication is key to ensuring both partners feel heard and respected. By discussing your expectations and boundaries, you can create a partnership that respects each person's autonomy. Marriage shouldn't feel like a cage; it should be a supportive environment where both partners thrive. Be proactive about finding ways to maintain personal freedom within the relationship. Encourage each other to pursue hobbies, friendships, and experiences independently. By doing so, you'll keep your relationship fresh and exciting. Embrace the freedom that comes with building a life together while honoring your individuality. 10. Having Kids Will Bring You Closer It's a common belief that having kids will automatically bring you and your partner closer, but that's not a guarantee. While children can be a source of joy, they can also introduce new stressors and challenges. Raising children requires teamwork and communication, but it's crucial to maintain your connection as a couple. Parenthood can sometimes strain relationships, making it essential to prioritize your partnership. Instead of relying on children to bring you closer, focus on nurturing your bond. Couples who assume children will strengthen their relationship may be caught off guard when challenges arise. Prioritize regular check-ins and date nights to maintain your connection. A strong partnership benefits both partners and creates a stable foundation for raising children. Work together to manage parenting responsibilities and support each other's needs. By investing in your relationship, you'll create a more harmonious family dynamic. 11. Marriage Is Easy If You're With The Right Person Many people believe that marriage should be easy if you're with the right person, but that's not the case. All marriages require effort, communication, and compromise, regardless of your compatibility. Challenges are inevitable, and how you handle them defines the strength of your relationship. Expecting a relationship to be effortless can lead to disappointment and frustration. Instead, view challenges as opportunities to grow and strengthen your bond. Even the most compatible couples face obstacles and disagreements. Successful marriages involve working through difficulties and supporting each other through thick and thin. Embrace the ups and downs as part of the journey, and focus on building a strong partnership. Communicate openly, practice empathy, and be willing to compromise. By recognizing that marriage takes work, you'll be better prepared to navigate the challenges that come your way. 12. You Need To Have Everything In Common Another myth suggests that you and your partner must have everything in common to have a successful marriage. While shared interests can strengthen your bond, it's not necessary to be identical. Differences can bring excitement and balance to a relationship, encouraging growth and learning. Instead of focusing on similarities, celebrate each other's unique qualities and perspectives. Embracing your differences can lead to a more dynamic and fulfilling partnership. Having varied interests can introduce you to new experiences and broaden your horizons. Encourage each other to pursue individual passions and find ways to support one another. Sharing your experiences can enrich your relationship and create new avenues for connection. By appreciating what makes each of you unique, you'll build a stronger, more resilient marriage. Embrace your differences and let them enhance your partnership. 13. Marriage Is A One-Time Choice Some people believe that once you get married, the choice is made, and you can coast through life. However, marriage is a continuous commitment that requires ongoing choices. You choose your partner daily by committing to the relationship and prioritizing each other's needs. Recognize that marriage involves active participation and effort from both partners. By staying engaged and making the choice to be present, you'll build a stronger bond. Marriage isn't a one-time decision; it's a series of choices you make together. Life's challenges and changes require you to adapt and grow as a couple. Be proactive about maintaining your relationship and addressing any issues that arise. Choose to invest in your partnership and support each other's growth. By embracing the ongoing nature of marriage, you'll create a more resilient and fulfilling relationship. 14. Marriage Is Just A Piece Of Paper Some people dismiss marriage as just a piece of paper, overlooking its significance. While a marriage license is a legal document, the commitment it represents goes deeper. Marriage symbolizes a lifelong promise to support, love, and honor each other. It's a public declaration of your commitment and an opportunity to build a life together. Recognizing the importance of marriage can enhance your relationship and provide a solid foundation. Marriage offers legal and financial benefits, but its emotional and social aspects are equally important. It provides a framework for building a life together and navigating challenges as a team. By acknowledging the significance of your commitment, you strengthen your partnership. Celebrate the milestones and achievements that come with marriage, and cherish the journey you embark on together. Embrace marriage as more than just a piece of paper; it's a commitment to a shared future. 15. Passion Dies After Marriage Lastly, there's a common belief that passion inevitably fades after marriage, but that doesn't have to be the case. While passion can wane over time, it can also be reignited with effort and intention. Keep the flame alive by prioritizing intimacy and exploring new ways to connect. Physical and emotional intimacy are crucial for maintaining a passionate relationship. Be proactive in keeping the spark alive and embrace the changes that come with time. Don't let routine and complacency dull the passion in your relationship. Be intentional about creating moments of intimacy and connection. Explore new activities, surprise each other with thoughtful gestures, and communicate openly about your desires. By nurturing passion, you can keep your relationship exciting and fulfilling. Embrace the challenge of maintaining passion and enjoy the rewards it brings to your marriage. Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
3 days ago
- Yahoo
Woman Can't Stop Thinking About a Man She Met 10 Years Ago — Even Though Their Relationship Was ‘Very Surface Level'
"Lately, I can't seem to get him out of my mind," the woman wrote on a community forumNEED TO KNOW A woman shared on a community forum that she can't stop thinking about a man she met 10 years ago, even though their relationship was "very surface level" "Lately, I can't seem to get him out of my mind. I imagine us running into each other and what we would say, what would happen," she wrote She said she even believes she "might be in love" with the man, and wonders if he feels the sameA woman says she can't stop thinking about a man from her past, despite "barely" knowing him. She even thinks she "might be in love" with him — and wonders if he feels the same. She shared her story in a post on the U.K.-based community forum Mumsnet, beginning by explaining that she and the man had "a thing right at the start" of first meeting each other 10 years ago. While she wouldn't specify what happened, she said, "in short I rejected his advances." "We became casual acquaintances, seeing each other on a sort of necessary basis (work-related)," she noted. "I saw him as a friend. Even though the relationship was very surface level." Then, the two had a falling-out. "We didn't even speak to each other — it was just the way he looked at me and the way I left," she said of the interaction. "The next time I saw him, I acted normal and things were ok." She continued: "I moved away and just didn't contact him again, there being no need now that we were not connected via work. I also was feeling that he was never going to take things forward with me." Over the years, she said, she couldn't help but think of him — but she always "pushed the feelings away, believing he did not feel the same way." The man eventually "settled down" and had two children. "I heard this through a friend, he is not traceable on social media. I do not know if the relationship with the mother lasted or not," she noted. Now, the woman said she finds herself wondering what might have been. "Lately, I can't seem to get him out of my mind. I imagine us running into each other and what we would say, what would happen," she wrote, asking fellow Mumsnet users, "Am I crazy for feeling this way?" She also questioned, "Does he feel the same way — how can it be possible for this to happen as a one-sided thing?" The woman concluded her post — which she titled, "I think I might be in love with someone I barely knew 10 years ago" — by admitting that the whole situation has her feeling "like an idiot." In the comments section, readers were quick to bring the woman back down to Earth. Never miss a story — sign up for to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from celebrity news to compelling human interest stories. "It's a fantasy of [what] you'd want it to be. You're in love with the idea of him," one person wrote, urging the poster to "stop analyzing and let it go." Another agreed, commenting, "It sounds like you are lonely and have romanticized the memory." Someone else gently suggested that the man is unlikely to have reciprocal feelings after all this time. "With the ultimate kindness and respect, he has probably never thought about you again. He has gone on to have his life, settled down with a partner and had a few kids," they wrote. The same person continued: "We all have moments of rose-tinted specs and 'what could have beens,' so don't feel like an idiot for the dreaming, lots of us have done it. But do try and haul yourself back to reality, and put him out of your mind, and try and move on. Unrequited love is a waste of your space and time." Read the original article on People Solve the daily Crossword
Forbes
4 days ago
- Forbes
3 Ways To Bounce Back From An Ugly Fight In Love, By A Psychologist
Imagine arguing with your partner so intensely that you end up leaving the house altogether. Both sides are reeling after the initial conflict. The blow hits so hard that recovery feels impossible. 'This is the last time,' you hear yourself saying. 'No more second chances,' you remind yourself. Perhaps it was a misunderstanding blown out of proportion. Perhaps it was bad timing and a bad mood coalescing. Or maybe, it was simply too many things simmering under the surface until they finally boiled over. Whatever the reason, you had an ugly fight, one where things that shouldn't be said were said, where anger took hold more than love did. And now that the fog has cleared, all you want to do is make up. All relationships go through ugly fights, or at least moments of tension that feel difficult to move on from. They're inevitable, often caused by incompatible communication styles, and they tend to show up most at the beginning of a fledgling relationship — when you're just starting to truly discover one another, and find that who your partner is may contradict your idea of them. However, this doesn't necessarily mean you were wrong about each other, just that your understanding of one another must evolve with time. As uncomfortable as fights can be, they often help you achieve exactly that. Here are three research-backed ways to bounce back from ugly fights in your relationship and create an even stronger connection. 1. Take A Cooling-Off Period When partners fight ugly, they often say things they don't mean; things they know will hurt their partner deeply, yet say them anyway. When their honesty and vulnerability are used against them and reciprocated in kind, it creates a divide that may seem impossible to bridge. When emotions run high, so does conflict, and that is exactly why taking time off becomes essential. A cool-off period with the intention to reconnect later helps both partners calm their reactivity and slowly turn towards clarity. When repair is rushed too soon, it creates even more distance. The other partner may raise walls or grow distant and defensive, which only worsens the conflict. Taking some time apart gives both sides the safe space they need to process their feelings and a fighting chance to save the relationship. A 2011 study looked at the capacity of couples to recover and 'cool down' after a fight, and it discovered that couples who were able to detach and reset after disagreements eventually had healthier, more stable relationships. Even those with insecure attachment styles would greatly benefit if their partner was good at cooling down and re-establishing peace after a conflict. Here's how couples can cool off healthily after an ugly fight: What matters most is that you both feel good about when you'll come back and talk things out with a clearer mind, rather than avoiding the issue entirely or creating suspense and fear around its resolution. 2. Practice Honest Reflection In a 2016 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, researchers observed 100 couples and specifically examined their behaviors in the moments after a conflict. They found that when a partner engaged in 'recovery sabotage,' defined as holding onto grievances, rehashing the argument or continuing negative interactions after the conflict, these behaviors had a negative impact on the relationship. This predicted lower relationship satisfaction and more instability over time. Recovery sabotage wasn't related to how partners expressed emotions during the conflict itself; instead, it was closely tied to whether grievances were voiced or suppressed. When you take a step back, it's important to think constructively about the conflict. This is where perspective-taking helps. Putting yourself in your partner's shoes to understand how they may have felt can help you see where their concerns are really coming from. Here are some ways to regulate your emotions instead of ruminating about them the next time you get into an ugly fight: Never forget that it's not 'me vs you,' it's 'us vs the problem.' Even in the middle of chaos, show up as a team. 3. Have A Closing Conversation When you have ugly fights, make sure everything you and your partner feel is brought into the open and no grievances are left suppressed. Revisit the matter again if either of you feels like there's something more you need to add or talk about. Openly discuss everything that was said, how it made each partner feel and why they said what they said — even the hurtful things — as this allows both partners to understand each other better and heal together. Saying, 'I'm sorry I intentionally said things that hurt you. I was in so much pain and I just wanted to lash out,' is not only a human thing to do, but also a brave one. It gives your partner the closure they may need to move on from the conflict. Knowing with certainty that what was said wasn't meant or true, but came from a place of hurt, helps release resentment. It's equally important to decide how to move forward and handle similar issues in the future. This is where you discuss your triggers and boundaries that shouldn't be crossed, as well as what each partner might need to work on. It's also crucial to make each other feel heard and validated so future escalation can be prevented. Having closure after ugly fights is necessary. It not only helps both partners move forward but also builds intimacy and trust because it invites vulnerability. It opens up a meaningful dialogue and adds a layer of depth to the relationship, making it more resilient and long-lasting. Wondering if you and your partner fall into destructive arguing patterns? Take the science-backed Ineffective Arguing Inventory to find out.
