Danger! Danger! There are hungry sharks in the sky!
Duck into a building and eat it there. Take it home with you. Construct a bivouac in the corner of a nearby alley and nibble it under the protection of sturdy tarpaulin.
But do not munch that tasty slab of pastry while ambling in the open air, because a ruthless and roguish seagull will dive from the sky and gobble your lunch in a gulp.
If the brattish birdy is feeling at all magnanimous it may leave you with your fingers.
Reader Charles Davison was eating a pasty while crossing the road when a gull executed a glide-n-grab.
'You know what?' said our outraged correspondent to his wife, walking by his side: 'Seagulls are sharks of the sky.'
'True,' replied his wife. 'Steven Spielberg should make a horror movie about them.'
Hard to swallow
In a west end café Debbie Russell overheard two young lovebirds having a tiff.
'The problem is,' scolded the girl, 'you've not grown as a person since we've been together.'
'Have so,' fired back the indignant beau, adding proudly: 'When we met I only drank fizzy drinks in cafés. Now I sometimes drink tea.'
The numbers racket
As we mentioned yesterday, the leader of the free world, Mr D Trump, visited Scotland, and was quickly joined by assorted grovellers and boot lickers (i.e. European statesmen and politicians).
A pal of reader Pat Garfield was fascinated by the occasion and said: 'Being President must be terrific. Leader of 100 states.'
'There's only 50 states,' corrected Pat.
'Really?!' sputtered Pat's pal. 'Well, that's not nearly so impressive, is it?'
Gordon Casely says approvingly: 'What a handy gadget. Must look out some electric eggs to cook on it.' (Image: Contributed)
Loopy lesson
When Brian McGrath was an undergraduate studying economics, a tutor introduced a lecture by saying: 'We'll ease into this topic like a chubby bloke in Speedo trunks sliding into a jacuzzi at his local health spa.'
'After that colourful intro,' admits Brian, 'I couldn't concentrate on economics for the rest of the lecture.'
The name game
Party chit-chat can be a strain.
At a shindig reader Jill Egan was introduced to a bloke who said: 'My name's Jonah.'
'Like the whale?' said Jill.
'No, no,' replied the confused chap. 'I wasn't born in Wales. What made you think that?'
Discworld
An important question from reader Angela Stone, who asks: 'If the Earth is flat, then what's on the other side?'
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The National
9 hours ago
- The National
Wes Streeting office vandalised with windows smashed
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New Statesman
14 hours ago
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Support for Palestine in Britain is not limited to Muslim voters
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Reuters
15 hours ago
- Reuters
Nuclear fuels producer Orano does not expect any impact from EU-US deal
PARIS, Aug 1 (Reuters) - The trade deal between the European Union and the United States should not impact the business of French nuclear fuels company Orano, as so far the U.S. has not imposed tariffs on uranium products, its CEO Nicolas Maes told reporters on Friday. Under the deal announced last Sunday, the EU agreed to purchase nuclear energy products along with U.S. liquefied natural gas and oil worth in total $750 billion over the next three years. "We have looked at the material, and for all the deals that have been signed so far between the U.S. and other regions of the world, and isotopes, uranium, enriched uranium are exempted," Maes said. However, he said the deal's provision for exports of nuclear fuel from the U.S. to Europe was surprising, given that the U.S. is an importer, rather than exporter of the fuel it needs for its nuclear power plants. "The U.S. market is structurally importing nuclear material and not exporting," Maes said. He also said Orano's plans to expand the company's nuclear enrichment facilities in Oak Ridge, Tennessee, should not be affected by either the trade deal or U.S. President Donald Trump's executive order deregulating the nuclear sector. Trump signed an executive order In May to reduce regulations and fast-track new licences for nuclear reactors and power plants and reinvigorate uranium production and enrichment in the country. Maes said that Orano will maintain its nuclear safety standards but the order may result in easier dialogue between the nuclear safety authority and the utilities during the permitting process. He repeated an earlier comment that a final investment decision on the project is expected in 2027.
