Fiona Phillips' husband advises against saying one thing to Alzheimer's patients

Daily Record

3 days ago

Fiona Phillips' husband Martin Frizell has been his wife's full-time carer since her Alzheimer's diagnosis.
Fiona Phillips' life was irrevocably altered following her diagnosis with early-onset Alzheimer's, but the impact has rippled through her entire family as they adapt to their new reality.
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Her husband, Martin Frizell, 66, opened up about feeling "isolated" and left to fend for themselves in coping with the situation. After three years of witnessing his wife's struggle with the condition, Martin has become an informal expert, learning how to manage daily challenges for the benefit of his loved ones.
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The ex-This Morning chief shared a crucial insight he's gained: Never say no. He believes it's more beneficial to go along with the delusions than to contradict them and cause further upset.
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This approach is something he picked up from extensive reading on the topic. Although he confesses it's not always easy to implement, he's been adhering to this strategy, particularly after Fiona became convinced that Martin was a kidnapper holding her captive.
Now, when she's extremely agitated, he humours her by pretending to take her back to her deceased parents, when in fact they're merely circling the block. It may seem illogical, but he's found that it's the most compassionate way to handle such episodes, reports the Mirror.
However, it's not without its difficulties. Martin recalls a heart-wrenching moment when Fiona looked at him and said the words he had feared the most: "You're not my husband".
In Fiona's latest book, Remember When, Martin shares: "The experts say you are not supposed to challenge someone with Alzheimer's when they're saying things that are completely wrong, but it's very difficult when you are in that moment and you are just desperately hoping you might be able to get through to them.
"What am I supposed to say when she says: 'You're not my husband!'?"
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Despite the challenges, Martin tries to maintain his approach. He continues: "Obviously it's not nice [when she says it] – but I don't feel hurt by it because I know that isn't Fiona talking: it's the illness that has taken her mind."
Recent incidents involving fears of abduction have led to some of the most intense 'role-playing' yet. Martin says sometimes Fiona becomes so distressed he has to act as if they are leaving the house for a prisoner swap or ransom exchange at her parents' place. Their sons Nathaniel, 26, and Mackenzie, 23, are also drawn into these scenarios.
"The textbooks say to never argue with a dementia patient, although even without the illness you could never win an argument with Fiona, so we play along," Martin explained.
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Martin feigns guiding her back to her parents, whom she believes are looking for her. Both of her parents suffered from Alzheimer's. Her mother passed away in 2006, and her father was diagnosed soon after and died in 2012.
"Fiona and I leave the house as if I am taking her home," Martin shares. "We walk around the block as she loudly proclaims, 'I'll never forgive you for tricking me,' and passers-by stare; then we are back home again, where she goes in and greets Mackenzie as if she hasn't seen him for days. She has forgotten about her mum and dad and is happy to sit down."
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However, Martin, who left his role at ITV to dedicate more time to his wife of 28 years, also aims to offer comfort to others in similar situations, emphasising the importance of trusting one's own judgement.
Despite his background in journalism leading him to extensively research the topic and heed expert advice, he maintains that partners must act on what feels right in the moment.
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"It feels as though I have read a million books and online articles about how best to cope with a partner with Alzheimer's," he reflected. Some of the advice I agree with – but other bits I'm not so sure about. I think you just have to trust your instinct and deal with whatever is thrown at you as best you can in that moment.
"By trying to live up to being the perfect Alzheimer's partner, you are just heaping even more pressure on yourself when there is already so much. And every day is different."
The day after Fiona's admission that he wasn't her husband, she seemed to rally, displaying glimpses of her once sharp wit. He concedes that at 64, Fiona lives solely "in the present" finding it challenging to engage in conversation as her memory often fails her and she can't recall events from "30 seconds or five minutes" prior.
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Remember When... graces bookshops this week. The progression of Fiona's condition is evident to readers, from the initial chapters penned over a year ago to the second-to-last update provided by Martin.
He ensures, however, that Fiona has the concluding say, even though he had to jog her memory about the book for her to write the final chapter.
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