Why do I have so little interest in sex?
A. Losing interest in sex during midlife is not unusual. However, it is most likely less to do with age and more to do with the fact you and your husband have been married for 30 years. When you've been having sex with the same person for three decades, spontaneous sexual desire is usually the exception rather than the norm. Instead, sex is often the consequence of a combination of nakedness, proximity, muscle memory and deeply held affection. Sexual desire is responsive. If you put the right conditions in place, it will blossom like a day lily; if you don't bother, it won't. The easiest way for any couple to increase the amount of sex they have, then, is to spend more time together in bed.
It sounds as though your full life means you are now a bit too busy to laze about in your empty nest. For some women, particularly those who have been stay-at-home mothers for any period of time, the empty nest can mean losing part of their identity and that can be really disorienting. The fact this transition often coincides with the menopause does not help. The empty nest can also represent an opportunity for some well-earned freedom, as in your case. It's a chance to do all the things you couldn't do when you felt you had to prioritise your children's needs over your own. Now that your children are gone, you are relishing filling your time with interests and activities. However, the pursuit of this personal fulfilment seems to have diverted your attention away from your sexual relationship.
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It's generally more common to think about the impact of the empty nest on women than men, but men are not immune to the challenges it presents. The departure of children in midlife often forces them to re-evaluate who they are. Inevitably, a few will buy a Harley Davidson and disappear with their secretary, but the vast majority won't. And for most emotionally mature fiftysomething males, losing their children tends to make them more, rather than less, appreciative of the relationship they have with their partner.
If you and your husband are out of the habit of having sex, my advice is to spend some time together in bed, focusing first on cuddling and having skin-to-skin contact. If you feel you need help to get started, you could try looking up 'sensate focus' , a structured technique that encourages partners to explore each other's bodies and sensations in a non-demanding way, without the pressure of achieving orgasm or intercourse.
You also need to ask your husband about how he feels. From your letter, it strikes me that what he wants may in fact not be sex alone, but connection with you. Your husband hasn't complained about sex explicitly, but he is asking to be included. Ultimately you both want the same thing, so I would start by putting the kettle on, sitting down, having an open and honest chat about what you both want from the next 30 years — and the rest will follow on from there.
Send your questions to weekendsex@thetimes.co.uk
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