Tips on how to decide who pays to look after elderly parents

The Citizen

7 days ago

Who pays for your elderly parents care is usually the responsibility ofall the children, but not everyone can afford to.
With the cost of living increasing more than our parents would have thought, and with them living longer, many are now in a position where they have to depend on their children to pay for their care because their savings fall short.
While the responsibility of caring for elderly parents has long been a deeply held value in many South African families, changing social and economic dynamics are reshaping how this care is shared among siblings, Lee Hancox, head of channel and segment marketing at Sanlam, says.
'Today, more adult children are navigating complex caregiving roles, often balancing work, distance and family life, while still honouring the cultural importance of supporting their parents. Even if care for elderly parents is a shared value, the means and methods of providing that care can differ, especially when siblings have different financial situations or 'money personalities'.
'In many South African families, caring for elderly parents is a natural extension of family responsibility, but the way siblings approach this care, especially when financial resources and priorities differ, can be complex.'
Even in families where love and commitment to eldercare run deep, siblings may approach financial responsibility in different ways. These differences, often shaped by personal experiences, values and financial habits, can lead to misunderstandings or tension, she warns.
'You might have one sibling who is more spontaneous, wanting to act quickly, provide the best care possible and spare no expense. Meanwhile, another might be methodical, carefully weighing what is affordable and sustainable. Both approaches come from love, but without a shared plan and open communication, these differences can create tension – especially under pressure.'
ALSO READ: Warning! The retirement savings gap is widening in South Africa
Drawing from professional expertise and personal insight, Hancox shares her top tips to navigate this emotional financial terrain:
Start saving for your own retirement from day one
Supporting your parents as they age is a profound act of love and respect – one that many South Africans embrace as part of their family values. But it is also important to care for your own financial wellbeing in the process.
'Planning ahead is important. Retirement is not just about reaching a certain age but about preparing for the decades that may follow, including medical costs, frail care and maintaining dignity in daily life.'
Hancox says even small steps to save and set financial goals can make a meaningful difference.
'Creating clear boundaries around what you can realistically contribute, both financially and emotionally, can help protect your future and that of your children, while still honouring your commitment to your parents.'
ALSO READ: Funding the family: Black tax and the 'sandwich generation' are on the rise
Have the tough conversations early, with your parents if possible
Initiating conversations about your parents' future care and financial plans can feel uncomfortable, but it is an important step in supporting them with dignity. 'It is not always easy to ask, but having these discussions early can help avoid stress during a crisis.'
Hancox says if your parents are in a home that is becoming difficult to maintain, gently explore the idea of downsizing or adapting the space. If their medical cover is limited, investigate options together while there is still time to plan.
'And if emotions run high, consider involving a financial planner or family lawyer – someone neutral who can guide the conversation and help shape a plan that respects everyone's needs. Even meeting in a relaxed setting, like a coffee shop, can help ease the tension and create space for honest dialogue.'
ALSO READ: Black tax is hitting a generation regardless of skin colour
Find common ground with siblings
When your siblings have different financial habits or 'money personalities', planning for a parent's care can be complex. But rather than focusing on differences, it helps to centre the conversation on shared values and your parent's wellbeing, Hancox says.
'A respectful, structured approach can make space for everyone's voice and lead to practical solutions.'
She says you can consider preparing guiding questions in advance:
What kind of care would Mom or Dad feel most comfortable with?
What can each of us realistically contribute – financially, emotionally, or in terms of time?
How will we manage unexpected costs together?
'Some may prefer a detailed budget and contingency plan, while others may value flexibility and responsiveness. It is also important to acknowledge who is providing most of the hands-on care and explore how others can support consistently, whether through financial contributions, emotional support, or taking on specific tasks. Open, empathetic dialogue can help families honour their shared commitment while navigating the realities of caregiving.'
ALSO READ: Black tax survival guide: Getting your financial groove back
Remember what is best for Mom and Dad
Hancox says you may never be able to fully measure the sacrifices your parents made, but you can honour them in a way that is sustainable for you and your family.
'That means finding a balance, supporting them with care and dignity, while also protecting your own financial wellbeing and peace of mind.'