Carolyn Hax: Parent concerned about 30-year-old daughter's lax housekeeping

Washington Post

19 hours ago

Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My daughter is single, early 30s and lives in a lovely apartment. When I visit, I notice her place is not very clean. It's neat, but not clean: cat hair on bathroom rug, dirt and hair gathering in corners of bathroom floor, greasy counter appliances and stovetop. As a student of Carolyn Hax, I just keep my mouth shut and truly enjoy the company of my wonderful daughter.
However, I can't help wondering whether she doesn't see the dirt or just doesn't care about it. At some point, is there a health issue here? Would it be weird if I offered a housecleaning service for a one-time once-over? Or am I just a fuddy-duddy with high expectations who was over-influenced by TV commercials in my youth showing happy homemakers mopping their floors?
I know I did not help my mom clean my house growing up, nor did she ever discuss with me its value. But for some reason, I've always cleaned as an adult. Am I the weird one?
— Housekeeping
Housekeeping: Yeah, I see no role for you here. Anything can be a 'health issue at some point' — including excessive cleanliness — so it's not a magic portal into her business.
And no to the cleaning-service offer. There's only one context in which it's not judgy, and that's when there's a life-event connection. New home (housewarming gift), new child, surgery, huge project, etc. Or, of course, if she complains about having to clean.
Re: Housekeeping: My mom's addendum to the 'keep your mouth shut' advice is 'and your wallet open.' Obviously this is only if you are financially secure enough, but I think a one-time, 'You work so hard. I would love to help. If you want to book a cleaning service once a month, I'd be happy to cover it,' would be okay. Best delivered if/when she herself shows some frustration.
— Anonymous
Anonymous: Ehhh, I'm still not there. I envision 'some' frustration, like: 'Ugh, I forgot this morning's dishes.' Then:
'OMG HERE LET ME BUY YOU A CLEANING SERVICE.'
If anyone can suss out a parental critique being restrained by nothing more than a membrane that has been stretched to translucence, it's a grown child. With a tight-lipped parent visiting her dirty kitchen.
Now, if it's, 'Ugh, I'm so overwhelmed lately, my apartment is filthy,' then go for it.
Readers' thoughts:
· My daughter was thrilled when I offered to pay for housekeeping. I waited until she brought it up by apologizing for how dirty her apartment was — but once she opened that door, I told her that I understood how busy she was, how hard keeping up must be and offered to pay for a one-time service. She accepted. Twenty years later, she has a busy job and two kids, so I still offer to pay for a housekeeper once in a while. It's what she requests for Christmas.
· Please do not say anything. I'm speaking from experience with a mom with different cleanliness expectations. If the cleanliness of the apartment is a problem — bug infestation, breathing problems from mold or dust, people avoiding coming to her place — then she'll be the first to know about it, and you don't need to tell her. Only exception might be a potential mental health issue, but then the message shouldn't be, 'Your apartment is messy,' but, 'Are you okay? I've noticed you're acting differently and wonder whether I can do anything to support you.'
· The desire to not be judged for petty housekeeping stuff is the No. 1 reason I dread my neat-freak mother-in-law's visits. If you want her to want you to visit, then keep your yap shut.