The GP thought my 51-year-old husband had depression until he started forgetting
'Well, it's confirmed,' the neurologist bluntly stated, 'Gary's got Alzheimer's.'
That was how we received the news in February 2022 of my husband's life-changing diagnosis – he was just 51 at the time, meaning it's classed as young-onset.
Gary couldn't believe it and was in floods of tears, saying he didn't want to become a burden and that he'd understand if I wanted to leave him. I simply replied, 'Don't be daft, I'm not going anywhere'.
We've known each other practically our whole lives.
Gary and I actually grew up on the same street in the north-east English town of Berwick-upon-Tweed. We went to the same primary school, but he was four years above me so we never really spoke.
Young onset Alzheimer's tends to affect people in their 40s, 50s and early 60s.
Early symptoms include: Confusion and disorientation
Forgetting recent events or conversations
Finding it harder to make decisions
Mood changes
Struggling to think of the right word
That is, until I was 23 in 1999 when we met properly as adults, while I was working in a local pub and he got a job as the doorman. There was an immediate attraction.
Little did I know at the time that he'd told his mates that he was going to make me his girlfriend. But they didn't believe he could, so they supposedly put a £10 bet on!
He asked me out on a date soon after and of course I said yes. We've barely spent any days apart from each other ever since.
We had our first child, Nathan, in 2001, then got married in 2007. Actually, his best man told the £10 bet story in his speech, then paid up and gave us half of the note each to keep.
We had our second child, Isla, in 2011 and Amelia three years later.
Gary's always been a fitness fanatic – running and doing CrossFit almost every single day of the week. Throughout it all, he's been a supportive, loving, and very active dad. Our home is full of laughter.
Then around eight years ago – when Gary was 47 – I started to notice sporadic odd things happening. He'd come home from work as a self-employed joiner and laugh off not being able to measure a door properly or read a tape measure.
Once the lockdown hit in early 2020 and we were all forced to stay home, that's when I really noticed something was wrong. Gary was struggling with tasks he'd usually ace – like building a summer house in our backyard – and he seemed quite down about it all.
At the time, it was really difficult to get a doctor's appointment but when we finally did, the GP just thought it was anxiety and depression so prescribed antidepressants.
I had a gut feeling that it went deeper than that, but Gary tried them for about three months and gave up when we didn't see any improvement.
He was then referred to a neurologist to get an MRI, which actually came back clear. A memory test (which involves remembering words after being distracted) was next and that's when alarm bells started ringing for the GP because Gary really struggled with it.
By the start of 2022 – almost two years since we first sought medical help – a lumbar puncture was performed to get the definitive Alzheimer's diagnosis from the neurologist. And it hit us like a tonne of bricks, even though it did cross my mind as a possibility.
I tried to put on a brave face, reassuring him that at least we knew what it was. I kept this up when telling our three children, which was really difficult for them to hear – especially our two youngest.
In these early days, I naively thought that Alzheimer's is just when you forget things. But the reality has been so much different.
At first, Gary was still quite self-sufficient – often making himself poached eggs on toast for breakfast. But now he struggles with tasks around the house that he used to do with ease, like mowing the lawn (it ends up uneven), or even making a bowl of cereal (the different components are confusing), or diluting a glass of juice (he can't quite get the proportions right).
Heartbreakingly, about six months ago, he forgot our daughters' names for the first time. They were devastated. They're only 10 and 13.
Today, we try to keep a routine as much as possible. I run the bath for him every morning, but he'll ask me where it is. Then I'll make him a coffee before I go to work and his carer, Katy, arrives at 9am.
She only used to come for a couple of hours, but a few scary incidents happened that forced us to reevaluate. Once, Gary tried to go for a bike ride, but ended up on the wrong side of a roundabout and down the A1.
Another time, he went for a walk and got lost, so Katy now comes for six hours every weekday. Remarkably, Gary still loves keeping fit and going to CrossFit, although he can't train as hard as he used to.
We also have a Dementia Adviser from Alzheimer's Society who comes and visits us every few months to see how we're getting on. It's a lifeline to know that they're just a phone call away if we ever need their help.
Gary may have changed – he's lost interest in doing a lot of things and is now quite placid – but our family knows deep down that he still loves us all dearly. He also still loves to have a laugh, like chuckling when I fix up his clothes after he puts them on the wrong way: 'Eh, what am I like? How do you put up with us?'
Alzheimer's Society's Forget Me Not Appeal funds life-changing support and groundbreaking dementia research. Donate at alzheimers.org.uk/metro .
June marks Alzheimer's Society's Forget Me Not Appeal and l'm wearing my badge to highlight how dementia affects families like ours. Last month, Katy and I were part of a team that walked 26 miles for the charity and have raised £3,000 so far. More Trending
I hope to keep Gary home with me for as long as possible, but for the moment we're just living day-to-day. It's impossible to predict how his Alzheimer's might progress so I don't really think there's any other way to be.
At the end of the day, I want people to know that it could happen to anybody. Gary never smoked or did drugs, hardly ever drank alcohol, and was incredibly fit and healthy.
His diagnosis turned our world upside down but there was no way I was going to turn my back on him. He's still the cheeky and fun-loving man I fell in love with – and I've got my half of the £10 note to prove it.
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As told to James Besanvalle
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