Asking Eric: Husband accused me of having an affair with my cousin
I knew my husband wasn't wild about the idea, but he didn't fuss about it, so we let him move in. Fast-forward five years: he's still living with us.
I figured I could use the money, so I made him pay rent. A few days ago, I got home before my husband and decided to wait for him to get home in bed undressed. That's something we do often. To my surprise, he was mad at me and accused me of sleeping with my cousin. I was so crushed. I couldn't believe it. I can't stop crying. I can't believe he thought so little of me.
I feel like my relationship is shipwrecked. Of course, I asked my cousin to leave immediately, but I can't bring myself to hold my husband close to me anymore. Why can't he understand why I'm so hurt?
— Wrongly Accused
Accused: This idea, incorrect as it is, likely took root in your husband's mind long before the blowup. And since he didn't talk about it with you, it had plenty of time to fester and flourish until it was overwhelming. I can't say why he would believe this in the first place or why he wouldn't bring it up earlier in an attempt to clear the air. I'm sorry that you and your cousin had to suffer for it.
What you and your husband need right now is a clear, calm conversation that can help to chip away at the story he's created in his mind and lead you both to the root of the issue. That's going to be very hard to do without a third party guiding you, listening to you and helping you listen to each other. That third party might be a therapist, a religious leader or a friend who is skilled at remaining neutral and asking questions.
Lay out the basic truth: you're hurt, and he's upset and neither of you wants to feel this way. You may want to reinforce that you're not trying to set him up or convince him. You're trying to create a space that's safe enough for both of you to hear each other and move forward.
Dear Eric: For more than 30 years my husband and I hosted extended family, friends and neighbors for multiple occasions every year, including Christmas Day with gifts, kid's birthdays, bridal and baby showers and our daughters' milestones.
Also, every year we threw a big Fourth of July party and included our neighbors with swimming, barbecue and tickets to our town's fireworks event where I brought desserts and coffee, etc.
These occasions were wonderful, and everyone always seemed to have a great time, however, planning, preparing and hosting all of these events with both of us working full time was extremely stressful and costly.
After 30 years, we decided that we were done playing host, with the exception of our daughters' families.
Now we hardly ever see these former guests and when we do the typical comment is 'Where have you been hiding?' or 'Is everything okay — we have not heard from you?' as if something is wrong with us. We are stymied as to how to respond in a manner that lets people know we have been fine but decided it was time for someone else to host the get-togethers. I would love your advice.
— Hosting No More
Hosting: Agh, the curse of the good host. You're so diligent about throwing parties, that others around you come to expect it. And when you don't do it, no one else steps up because, well, they were having too much fun eating your food and celebrating your milestones.
Social gatherings really thrive on good communication and clear direction. Think of how name tags can facilitate easy conversation at a mixer or clear signage can help everyone end up in the right place at the right time for a surprise party. When people ask where you've been, it'll be helpful for you to tell them you've retired from the party business and encourage them to invite you to their gatherings. 'We miss seeing you. Maybe you can host us sometime.'
This might feel forward, but people often need a little push or a little permission. And this isn't you inviting yourselves over. The others can always say no.
I would even go a step further and send out a little card — maybe at a holiday, maybe whenever it comes to mind. Think of it as a reverse invitation that says, 'We've stepped back from hosting, but we still want to see you. We invite you to invite us; we'll bring dessert.'
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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But it makes great storage for our tester's off-season blankets. Ria Misra/NYT Wirecutter. Flaws but not dealbreaker The velvet fabric needs brushing. Like a lot of items that use velvet material, the Article Rolph will show textural evidence (read: butt marks) after someone sits on it or handles it. But the fabric is easy enough to smooth down by wiping your hands across it. And this won't be an issue if you opt for the non-velvet fabric. Key specs Dimensions: 18.5 by 55.5 by 19 inches (height by length by depth) Colors/finishes: green velvet, rust velvet, sand ivory fabric Materials: 100% polyester velvet or fabric upholstery; foam and polyester fiber filling; engineered wood frame Weight limit: 300 pounds Return policy and warranty: You can return it within 30 days for a full refund or an exchange; there's a one-year warranty limited to defects. Marki Williams/NYT Wirecutter It's small but mighty. Just under 2 feet in diameter, the Crate & Kids Wally Nursery Storage Ottoman takes up little space. But due to its efficient construction, there's ample room for storing several blankets or children's toys. It's cozy. This ottoman is probably too small and too low to be used for regular seating, but in a pinch, the padded top is pretty comfortable. Most reviews mention using it as a footrest in front of a rocking chair or couch. (Crate & Kids also sells a matching glider.) The Crate & Kids Wally Nursery Storage Ottoman has a wide and low stance, so it's better used as a footstool than as a seat. But considering its small size, it can hold a decent amount, such as a couple of small throw pillows or a few light blankets. Marki Williams/NYT Wirecutter Flaws but not dealbreakers It's a heavy lift. Many of our testers found the Wally Nursery Storage Ottoman's lid difficult to open. And even I, who dutifully lifts weights three times a week, needed to use two hands. Also, the lid fits so snugly into the base that it also takes some oomph to loosen it. One of our staffers, who's had this ottoman in the leather finish for over three years, said that over time the tightness eases, and she can now lift hers with one hand (but she still needs two hands to steadily lower it). It may show wear and tear, depending on the finish. The staffer who's used the Wally ottoman in a leather finish since 2022 still likes it, but she reports that over time, small scratches have appeared that can't be easily buffed out. Over time, the leather version of the Wally ottoman may accumulate scuff marks. Polina Grinbaum/NYT Wirecutter Polina Grinbaum/NYT Wirecutter The leather Wally ottoman in Polina's home. Polina Grinbaum/NYT Wirecutter Over time, the leather version of the Wally ottoman may accumulate scuff marks. Polina Grinbaum/NYT Wirecutter Polina Grinbaum/NYT Wirecutter Key specs Dimensions: 21 by 17 inches (diameter by height) Colors/finishes: ivory bouclé, beige fabric, brown synthetic leather (availability varies) Materials: wood frame, polyester fill, polyester upholstery Weight limit: not listed (mainly used as a footrest) Return policy and warranty: You can return this model for a full refund, or exchange it within 30 days of receipt with a valid proof of purchase (shipping fees will not be refunded.); a case-by-case guarantee. West Elm Nothing gets buried. Setting itself apart from our hinge- and lift-top storage benches, the slim West Elm Mid-Century Storage Bench has sliding doors. So it's perfect for stacking items like board games or throw blankets, since you can see everything at a glance. And there's a slim wall dividing the interior into two cubbies, to prevent anything from getting lost in the middle (this does mean that you can't store anything that's really long). It's versatile. Even though it's listed as a 'storage bench,' this model could easily double as a low console or as extra storage for library books or to place mail on top. The doors slide open smoothly, and it sits firmly on the ground. The 42-inch West Elm Mid-Century Bench is perfect for storing board games — and for displaying cute cats and lego creations. Joshua Lyon/NYT Wirecutter Flaws but not dealbreakers It's not an inviting seat. Lacking any padding on top, the West Elm bench is not a comfortable option for spillover seating in a small apartment. It's better suited to short sitting stints, like when you're pulling on your shoes. Unboxing and assembling is a schlep. With this bench, assembly was a bit more involved than we'd expect from a non-IKEA pick, and the instructions could have been more straightforward. (White-glove delivery is available, for an additional cost). You can face it in one direction only. The back of this bench looks more unfinished, so you can't leave it exposed like you can with our other picks. Key specs Dimensions: 18.5 by 42 by 15.75 inches (height by width by depth; small bench) Colors/finishes: acorn Materials: solid eucalyptus wood and engineered wood with an acacia wood veneer Weight limit: 300 pounds Return policy and warranty: You can return this bench within 30 days, with proof of purchase. There is no listed warranty. (But West Elm told us it will review any product defects within a year of purchase.) Marki Williams/NYT Wirecutter You can grab and go. We tested Article Maribo Storage Ottoman in large, and, like the medium version, it has a hinged top (the small version has a lightweight lift-off top). We found it was a breeze to get into, even using just one hand. More generous than some of the other hinge-top benches we tested, this bench props open to 70 degrees (instead of the more-common 45 degrees), so it's easier to see and access what's inside. Despite that hinged lid, the bench sits flush against a wall, even when it's open. The 48-inch Article Maribo Storage Ottoman has a hinged lid that props open widely, so it's easy to store (and access) a lot of stuff. Marki Williams/NYT Wirecutter It comes in several sizes. This bench is available in three lengths: a nearly perfect 19-inch cube, a 32-inch medium option, and a large, 48-inch option, so there's a lot of room for creativity. It would look great used in place of a coffee table in a living room, placed at the foot of a bed, situated under a bedroom window, or used as an ottoman by a couch. We can vouch for its longevity. This bench has been used as a prop in our photo studio for several years, and it hasn't pilled or stained, even though it's been sat on and moved around regularly. One of our other staffers has had the cube-size version of this bench in her home for a little over a year, and she reports that it's doing just fine; she vacuums it occasionally, when she vacuums her couch. Flaws but not dealbreakers The bouclé will need some upkeep. With the Article Maribo bench, if you choose the bouclé upholstery (like the one we tested), it will require occasional vacuuming, since dust can more easily settle between the fabric's nubs (though no major stains have appeared on our testing model). Key specs Dimensions: 18.5 by 48 by 15.5 inches (height by length by depth; large bench) Colors/finishes: tan leather, ivory bouclé, green felt, sandstone bouclé Materials: solid pine, engineered wood frame; foam filling; upholstery varies by material Weight limit: not listed Return policy and warranty: You can return this bench within 30 days for a refund or exchange. There is a one-year warranty limited to defects. Three of the boucle benches we tested, from left to right: Article's Maribo Storage Ottoman, Target's Threshold Havenstone Pill-Shaped Storage Bench, and Crate & Kids' Wally Nursery Storage Ottoman. Marki Williams/NYT Wirecutter The All Modern Williams 59" Storage Bench has drawers, so it's ideal for storing underwear, bras, socks, or workout clothes (and this bench is especially useful if your bedroom is too small to accommodate a dresser, as mine is). However, when it arrived it smelled very strongly of chemicals, and that smell remained for several weeks. And the drawers only pull out three-quarters of the way, so it is hard to see anything stored toward the back. We appreciated that the IKEA Förlunda pouffe was light and stackable, as well as nicely priced, but we wish it were of better quality. It would look at home in a children's playroom, concealing toys, or as an ottoman for a very certain type of modern living room. With its pretty rattan weave, the IKEA Tolkning bench is great for someone looking for affordable, bohemian, beachy furniture. But when it came to closing the lid, it was hard to get it to line up with the base. And lifting the lid took both hands, another irksome situation if you just want to take something out quickly. The finish was also a bit cheap, and the rattan could get caught on clothing or throws. There is nothing wrong with the IKEA Valtorp; if you like the look, you'll probably be quite happy with it. The lid opens via a hinge, and it stays open as well, at a 45-degree angle. But we thought the finishes looked a little sloppy, especially the inside lining. And building this bench was more difficult than building the other IKEA pieces we tried. With the Valtorp, I had to enlist the help of colleague Evan Dent, who happened to be working next to me while I struggled to build this bench. (I owe you a coffee, Evan, thank you.) Many testers loved the Nofred Cube Long Storage Box; this is a beautiful piece of birch plywood furniture at a very reasonable price. And you can order optional wheels to make it mobile (one of the wheels is lockable). We originally thought it would make a great toy chest. However, after just a few days of testing, some edges of the wood had already started to chip. We had to lean in close to notice those details, but the chipping doesn't bode well for the bench's long-term durability. Sabai's The Essential Storage Bench is incredibly customizable, with your choice of several upholstery colors and fabrics, as well as leg shapes and finishes. The velvet one we ordered was comfortable to sit on, and it looked elegant, but it left a noticeable imprint when we sat on it. It was also annoying to get into: The wide, heavy top requires two hands to lift it, and you have to carefully lower it to align with the base. However, if you plan to use your storage bench for things you don't need to access often, this bench may be an excellent choice. With its woven water hyacinth material and acacia wood feet, the Target Casafield 17" Round Storage Ottoman with Lid has a beachy look. But it felt a bit scratchy to sit on. The Target Threshold Havenstone Pill-Shaped Storage Bench was a decent dupe for our similarly shaped, similarly boucle-d pick from Article. But looking closer, you can see that the polyester fabric of the Havenstone is glossy in an obviously synthetic way, and its lid lifts off rather than hinges, making it a nuisance to open. The Target Threshold Tufted Round Storage Ottoman is not particularly comfortable or beautiful, nor is it uncomfortable or unattractive. The lid was a little hard to fit evenly onto the base. But if you like the look of it, and you need an ottoman only for storing a few items (it could fit a few light blankets or a throw pillow), this is a serviceable option. This article was edited by Daniela Gorny and Joanne Chen
