Is rivalry in marriage a good or bad thing? What should women do when the desire to win takes over?

CNA

08-06-2025

Denise (not her real name) married her teenage sweetheart seven years ago. She admitted that the two of them 'always compete somehow' in terms of the positions they have at work, how much they are earning and where they are in their careers.
'We don't argue about this rivalry but I can feel that my husband is somehow trying to 'compete' with me,' said the 36-year-old digital marketer-entrepreneur. 'I'm not sure if it's because we have always been together … he always tries to go above and beyond what I accomplish in my career.'
After having her first child four years ago, JK (who only wanted to be known by her initials), took a step back in her career.
She gave up promotion opportunities because she felt that she'd have a heavier workload, which would mean she would have less time with her daughter. Her husband, whom she has been married to for eight years now, is around mostly on the weekends.
'While my husband was progressing in his career and took on better opportunities, it made me feel very frustrated as I'm a career-driven person,' said the 36-year-old who works in human resources.
'I thought that when we had kids, we would share parenting duties but, somehow, it still falls on me till today.
'He has told me that he feels jealous at times as our kids choose me over him for anything but the only advice I give him is to be home with them before they go to bed,' added the mum of two girls.
Competing in your careers or for your children's affection is not uncommon in marriage. Theresa Pong, founder and counselling director at The Relationship Room, revealed that competition in relationships is natural because both partners want to feel seen, valued and appreciated for what they bring to the relationship.
She cited examples where rivalry can pop up in a marriage: In parenting (who spends more time with the kids, who handles school responsibilities or who sacrifices more for the family), household contributions (who earns more, who does more housework or who manages the mental load of organising the family's schedule), as well as career and success (who has the more demanding job, who receives more recognition or who contributes more financially).
Couples could also compete over seemingly minor issues pertaining to their social life, like who makes more effort to maintain friendships, how much personal time each of them sacrifices for the sake of the family, or who initiates family outings.
It could also be a rivalry involving emotional labour – who remembers birthdays, plans holidays or makes more effort in maintaining family traditions.
'These often reflect a deeper need: To be recognised, to feel like an equal and to know that their role in the relationship is valued,' said Pong.
EMOTIONAL MEANING BEHIND MARRIAGE RIVALRY
Dr Natalie Games, clinical psychologist at Alliance Counselling, said that couples may compete for a variety of reasons, such as insecurity, a need for validation or unresolved power dynamics. And while a little friendly rivalry can be healthy and fun, ongoing competition often signals deeper issues like lack of emotional safety or misaligned values.
'The healthiest relationships are built on collaboration, where partners celebrate each other's wins and see success as shared, not rivalled,' Dr Games told CNA Women. 'We know that emotional intimacy thrives when partners champion each other rather than compete.'
However, it's important to note that being competitive in a relationship isn't inherently bad. What is key is how partners respond to each other's success or independence, said Dr Games.
'It's the emotional meaning behind it that's important – if the competition is underpinned by fear, insecurity or disconnection, it becomes toxic. If it stems from admiration and playfulness, it can energise the relationship,' she explained.
If left unchecked, rivalry in a marriage can quietly erode the foundation of trust and connection between partners. Dr Games said this is because, when one or both people start viewing the relationship as a competition, it shifts the dynamic from 'we're on the same team' to 'I need to win'.
This can lead to resentment, jealousy and emotional distance, especially if one partner constantly feels like they're falling behind or being judged.
'Be warned that when couples compete, they can stop seeing each other as lovers or teammates and start treating each other like opponents,' said Dr Games. 'This shift reduces emotional safety and intimacy. Instead of turning to each other in vulnerability, they put up emotional walls.'
Dr Games gave an example of a woman who may feel resentful about her husband's work promotion. She may cheer him on but deep down, might be feeling 'diminished' – he is soaring while she is doing the school pick-ups, helping their kids with homework and organising the family schedule.
In such a situation, the woman is not 'competing for power but competing to feel seen, valued and remembered in a life where her contributions often go unnoticed', she said.
CELEBRATING EACH OTHER'S WINS
Denise shared that, most of the time, the rivalry in her marriage is seen 'like a friendly game'. 'We don't talk about it in a serious way but with humour. I feel like it's healthy competition because we tend to always give our best in everything we do now.'
JK confessed that while she and her husband do talk about their rivalry and find solutions, 'there are also times I don't talk about it to him because I want to avoid an argument'.
'He does acknowledge that he isn't around the majority of the time and that I have sacrificed my career for the family,' she added.
'He appreciates what I have done, which makes me feel a little better but it took me many years to come to terms with the fact that I am settling with my job and not moving further, as my kids need me.'
For women looking to navigate feelings of rivalry, Pong's advice is to first understand what it's pointing to – perhaps a need for more personal fulfilment, recognition or reassurance in the relationship.
Then, acknowledge the emotions rather than feeling guilty about them. It's also important to have open conversations with your partner about your own aspirations and needs.
'Practise self-compassion and self-love by reminding yourself that your worth is not defined by achievements alone and celebrating your own unique journey,' Pong added. 'When both partners feel secure and valued, they can celebrate each other's wins rather than feel threatened by them.'
If you've noticed yourself feeling resentful about your partner's success, constantly comparing roles or achievements, or needing to 'win' arguments or be 'the better' parent, partner or professional, it may signal that competition is taking over connection.
Dr Games suggested reflecting on the root of the feelings – often, it's not about outdoing a partner but about wanting recognition or a sense of balance.
'Practising vulnerability, like saying, 'Sometimes I feel left behind when you're thriving', can open space for honest conversation,' said Dr Games. 'Therapy or journalling can help unpack deeper insecurities and shift the focus back to shared growth.'
One partner's competitiveness can hurt the relationship if they downplay their other half's achievements, or compare efforts or struggles. They might feel like they're walking on eggshells or like one views the other as a rival instead of an ally.
Dr Games recommended calling attention to the dynamic gently but directly. For example, say, 'I sometimes feel like we're competing and I don't want that between us'.
Setting clear emotional boundaries and expressing need for mutual support can help. If the behaviour continues or turns controlling, couples counselling may be a healthy next step, said Dr Games.
'The key is self-awareness, honest communication and shifting the mindset from 'me versus you' to 'us together',' she added.