Toxic ‘submariner' daters resurface — like nothing ever happened: ‘Worse than ghosting'

Yahoo

a day ago

First, they vanish into the dating deep.
Then, months later, they're back in your DMs — like nothing ever happened.
Welcome to the maddening world of 'submarining' — a toxic, resurfacing trend where ghosters pop up from your past, acting like their sudden radio silence was no biggie.
'They want someone to talk to and make them feel good about themselves,' Gigi Engle, certified sex coach and author of 'All the F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life,' previously told Men's Health.
'It's pretty unlikely that it's because this person actually cares about you.'
They aren't exactly rare, either. Submariners — also known as 'zombie daters' — typically ghost without explanation, only to boomerang back into your life like nothing went wrong.
Think: 'Hey, stranger' six months after you cried in your Uber home.
'People may choose to resurface for a lot of reasons, but more often than not, it's out of insecurity or boredom,' Engle said.
Worse, they never acknowledge their vanishing act — no apology, no closure — just a creepy illusion that the last few months of your life didn't happen.
According to Dr. Wendy Walsh, Ph.D., a psychology professor and relationship expert at DatingAdvice.com, it's not just flaky — it's prehistoric.
'Evolutionarily speaking, having 'backup mates' is a very common human mating strategy,' she told PureWow.
'Submariners often crave intimacy but are terrified of the vulnerability it requires,' she explained.
'A submariner wants to put somebody on the back burner so they can reach out to them later when they feel lonely.'
However, experts warn: Don't bite when they breadcrumb.
'You've already grieved them for a while; just let them go and move on,' Engle advised.
'If someone is actually into you, they don't disappear out of nowhere.'
Submarining joins a long list of bizarre and brutal dating behaviors swimming around the app era — ghosting, love-bombing, fizzing and, more recently, 'shallowing.'
As The Post previously reported, 'shallowing' may sound like a harmless beach activity, but it's a rising sex trend involving playful 'outercourse' fun — and, yes, it's just as real as being haunted by your emotionally unavailable ex.
Sexual wellness brand LELO even listed it as one of the top sex trends of 2024.
In fact, a 2021 survey of more than 4,000 women — by Indiana University and intimacy site OMGYES — revealed that nearly 84% of U.S. women found increased pleasure from this intimate form of stimulation.
While some are exploring shallow waters, others are diving deep into submarine-infested territory — and many are using tech to navigate both.
'It's important that anyone with questions about sex and pleasure can receive answers from trusted sources,' said Verena Singmann, spokesperson for sex-toy purveyor We-Vibe.
'Technology can be a helpful tool when it comes to sex and pleasure, but AI doesn't always know best when it comes to our sexual health and wellbeing.'
Bottom line: When a former flame who ghosted you suddenly reemerges like they're starring in their own reboot, treat them like the shipwreck they are.
They didn't just get 'busy.'
They got bored — and experts say you deserve better than being someone's Plan B with Wi-Fi.