Latest news with #AlltheF*ckingMistakes:AGuidetoSex
Yahoo
4 days ago
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
Toxic ‘submariner' daters resurface — like nothing ever happened: ‘Worse than ghosting'
First, they vanish into the dating deep. Then, months later, they're back in your DMs — like nothing ever happened. Welcome to the maddening world of 'submarining' — a toxic, resurfacing trend where ghosters pop up from your past, acting like their sudden radio silence was no biggie. 'They want someone to talk to and make them feel good about themselves,' Gigi Engle, certified sex coach and author of 'All the F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life,' previously told Men's Health. 'It's pretty unlikely that it's because this person actually cares about you.' They aren't exactly rare, either. Submariners — also known as 'zombie daters' — typically ghost without explanation, only to boomerang back into your life like nothing went wrong. Think: 'Hey, stranger' six months after you cried in your Uber home. 'People may choose to resurface for a lot of reasons, but more often than not, it's out of insecurity or boredom,' Engle said. Worse, they never acknowledge their vanishing act — no apology, no closure — just a creepy illusion that the last few months of your life didn't happen. According to Dr. Wendy Walsh, Ph.D., a psychology professor and relationship expert at it's not just flaky — it's prehistoric. 'Evolutionarily speaking, having 'backup mates' is a very common human mating strategy,' she told PureWow. 'Submariners often crave intimacy but are terrified of the vulnerability it requires,' she explained. 'A submariner wants to put somebody on the back burner so they can reach out to them later when they feel lonely.' However, experts warn: Don't bite when they breadcrumb. 'You've already grieved them for a while; just let them go and move on,' Engle advised. 'If someone is actually into you, they don't disappear out of nowhere.' Submarining joins a long list of bizarre and brutal dating behaviors swimming around the app era — ghosting, love-bombing, fizzing and, more recently, 'shallowing.' As The Post previously reported, 'shallowing' may sound like a harmless beach activity, but it's a rising sex trend involving playful 'outercourse' fun — and, yes, it's just as real as being haunted by your emotionally unavailable ex. Sexual wellness brand LELO even listed it as one of the top sex trends of 2024. In fact, a 2021 survey of more than 4,000 women — by Indiana University and intimacy site OMGYES — revealed that nearly 84% of U.S. women found increased pleasure from this intimate form of stimulation. While some are exploring shallow waters, others are diving deep into submarine-infested territory — and many are using tech to navigate both. 'It's important that anyone with questions about sex and pleasure can receive answers from trusted sources,' said Verena Singmann, spokesperson for sex-toy purveyor We-Vibe. 'Technology can be a helpful tool when it comes to sex and pleasure, but AI doesn't always know best when it comes to our sexual health and wellbeing.' Bottom line: When a former flame who ghosted you suddenly reemerges like they're starring in their own reboot, treat them like the shipwreck they are. They didn't just get 'busy.' They got bored — and experts say you deserve better than being someone's Plan B with Wi-Fi.
New York Post
5 days ago
- Entertainment
- New York Post
Toxic ‘submariner' daters resurface — like nothing ever happened: ‘Worse than ghosting'
First, they vanish into the dating deep. Then, months later, they're back in your DMs — like nothing ever happened. Welcome to the maddening world of 'submarining' — a toxic, resurfacing trend where ghosters pop up from your past, acting like their sudden radio silence was no biggie. Advertisement 4 Say hello to 'submarining' — the infuriating dating trend in which ghosters suddenly resurface like nothing ever happened. Mdv Edwards – 'They want someone to talk to and make them feel good about themselves,' Gigi Engle, certified sex coach and author of 'All the F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life,' previously told Men's Health. 'It's pretty unlikely that it's because this person actually cares about you.' Advertisement They aren't exactly rare, either. Submariners — also known as 'zombie daters' — typically ghost without explanation, only to boomerang back into your life like nothing went wrong. Think: 'Hey, stranger' six months after you cried in your Uber home. 4 Submariners — aka 'zombie daters' — vanish without warning, then suddenly pop back up in your DMs like their ghosting spree was totally chill. POOL/AFP via Getty Images 'People may choose to resurface for a lot of reasons, but more often than not, it's out of insecurity or boredom,' Engle said. Advertisement Worse, they never acknowledge their vanishing act — no apology, no closure — just a creepy illusion that the last few months of your life didn't happen. According to Dr. Wendy Walsh, Ph.D., a psychology professor and relationship expert at it's not just flaky — it's prehistoric. 'Evolutionarily speaking, having 'backup mates' is a very common human mating strategy,' she told PureWow. 'Submariners often crave intimacy but are terrified of the vulnerability it requires,' she explained. Advertisement 'A submariner wants to put somebody on the back burner so they can reach out to them later when they feel lonely.' However, experts warn: Don't bite when they breadcrumb. 4 Most submariners disappear without a trace, a ghostly gaslight that makes you question if those last few months even existed. Ester – 'You've already grieved them for a while; just let them go and move on,' Engle advised. 'If someone is actually into you, they don't disappear out of nowhere.' Submarining joins a long list of bizarre and brutal dating behaviors swimming around the app era — ghosting, love-bombing, fizzing and, more recently, 'shallowing.' As The Post previously reported, 'shallowing' may sound like a harmless beach activity, but it's a rising sex trend involving playful 'outercourse' fun — and, yes, it's just as real as being haunted by your emotionally unavailable ex. Advertisement Sexual wellness brand LELO even listed it as one of the top sex trends of 2024. In fact, a 2021 survey of more than 4,000 women — by Indiana University and intimacy site OMGYES — revealed that nearly 84% of U.S. women found increased pleasure from this intimate form of stimulation. While some are exploring shallow waters, others are diving deep into submarine-infested territory — and many are using tech to navigate both. 'It's important that anyone with questions about sex and pleasure can receive answers from trusted sources,' said Verena Singmann, spokesperson for sex-toy purveyor We-Vibe. Advertisement 'Technology can be a helpful tool when it comes to sex and pleasure, but AI doesn't always know best when it comes to our sexual health and wellbeing.' 4 Submarining is just the latest freaky fish in the toxic dating sea — right up there with ghosting, love-bombing, fizzing and the newest similarly named trend: 'shallowing.' kleberpicui – Bottom line: When a former flame who ghosted you suddenly reemerges like they're starring in their own reboot, treat them like the shipwreck they are. Advertisement They didn't just get 'busy.' They got bored — and experts say you deserve better than being someone's Plan B with Wi-Fi.
Yahoo
15-05-2025
- General
- Yahoo
Why are we obsessed with body counts again?
Picture this: it's a busy Tuesday and you're running into town to run errands on your lunch break. You're balancing about six items in your arms and already having a stressful day when you're approached by a man-child with his phone in your face and a tiny microphone in his hand. That's when he asks you, 'What's your body count?' He awaits your answer impatiently and you're confused, frustrated, and not sure why the question is so important. Yet there's still an immense pressure to answer it. This situation, as much as it sounds like a nightmare, is a reality. In fact, it's a TikTok trend that's amassed an eye-watering 917 million views and counting. Whether it's viral street interviews, skits, or podcast debates, judging women based on their body counts, or how many people they've had sex with, is algorithmic gold dust for content creators. For something so personal, so irrelevant to anyone else's life, it's staggering how much weight society still gives to this arbitrary number. And it's not just about curiosity. This number has somehow become a measure of a person's worth, particularly for women. And they're being shamed for views and exploited for the revenue that comes with them. SEE ALSO: How the internet became a breeding ground for slutshaming So, why does body count matter so much? Why are we still having these conversations in 2025? And more importantly, why does it always seem to matter more for women than it does for men? When was the last time a man's sexual history was used to discredit his character, imply he was 'used up', or suggest he was unworthy of love? Body count judgement is nothing more than good old-fashioned slutshaming, the belittling of women and marginalised genders that keeps purity culture in check. Gigi Engle, clinical sexologist, sex educator, and author of All the F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life explains that purity culture derives from Christianity and was a movement, gaining mainstream recognition in the 1990s, to emphasise the importance of abstaining from sex before marriage in order to please God. However, purity culture has leaked out of religion and the 1990s and permeated every crevice of modern culture. 'One of purity culture's biggest myths is the idea that every time a woman has sex, she attaches herself to that person and a part of her has been damaged or taken away." - Gigi Engle, sexologist Engle tells Mashable that purity culture is built on misinformation about female sexuality, rarely demonising men for the same acts, and is passed off as fact. 'One of purity culture's biggest myths is the idea that every time a woman has sex, she attaches herself to that person and a part of her has been damaged or taken away,' she explains. This belief is rooted in Christian purity culture, dating back to medieval times, and is often referred to as 'soul ties', a method of shaming women into keeping their body count low. Engle adds that soul ties were designed to make women feel guilty for having more than one sexual partner. 'Purity culture scares us into believing we'll lose any chance of finding a partner by sleeping around.' It should go without saying, but none of these puritanical ideas are true. Studies consistently show that a person's sexual history has no bearing on their ability to maintain a healthy, fulfilling relationship. That being said, marriages can be impacted by partners' amount of previous partners because of cultural issues, including the false narrative that a person's worth can be determined by how many people they've slept with. Ironically, and sadly, the only danger having a high body count poses on being a good partner is being so judged by your partner that it affects the whole relationship. Even though we know these ideas aren't true, the myth of purity has bled into mainstream dating culture, even for those who don't believe in religion. It manifests in the anxiety many people feel about body count discussions. At the time of writing, TikTok videos under the 'soul ties' hashtag have been viewed over 437 million times, many of them spreading misinformation about what happens to our bodies and psyches after sex. This pressure to conform to outdated sexual expectations has very real consequences. Even in modern dating culture, the expectation that women should suppress their sexuality remains deeply ingrained. Research shows that a significant amount of people openly admit they find a woman less attractive if she has had multiple sexual partners. And that's just the ones willing to say it out loud. SEE ALSO: The best dating apps and sites in May 2025 According to a sexual secrets survey of 1,500 British people by sex toy shop Lovehoney, 22 percent of people have lied to a partner about how many people they've had sex with. A third of Brits admit to keeping sexual secrets out of fear of judgement, and 30 percent say they've kept their number a secret out of embarrassment. Even on Pure, a dating app that actively promotes sex positivity, body counts are still a point of tension. In a survey of 3,000 people, just 16 percent of women said they feel comfortable openly sharing past sexual experiences with a date, and 17 percent of men stated they find it unattractive when women have had many sexual partners or kinky experiences. So, it's no wonder women feel compelled to downplay their history. The silver lining: for everyone who finds it a turn-off, there are thankfully 83 percent who aren't put off by certain body counts or wild stories. Still, this leaves women feeling disillusioned with dating, afraid to disclose their true sexual history in case of judgement or personal attack, and ultimately leads to shame they don't deserve to carry. Nowhere is body count judgement and slutshaming more evident than in the way sex workers are treated online. It's hard to scroll through TikTok for long without seeing a sex worker being interrogated by podcasters who seem less interested in genuine discussion and more intent on condemnation. Take Rebecca Goodwin, an OnlyFans performer who made headlines after walking out of a podcast recording earlier this year. She later revealed she had been repeatedly berated about her career, with the hosts attempting to frame her work as morally bankrupt. Despite asking for the episode to be scrapped, clips of her trying to defend her choices flooded Instagram and TikTok, spliced with disapproving commentary. Similarly, musician Kate Nash — who joined OnlyFans to fund her next tour — was forced to justify her decision in national news segments. This trend of scrutinising and shaming sex workers spills over into body count discourse, where women who have multiple partners are treated as if they are somehow tainted. Society continues to associate female sexual freedom with degradation, while simultaneously holding men to a completely different standard. The backlash against sex workers is particularly apparent in the recent moral panic surrounding porn performers Lily Phillips and Bonnie Blue. Phillips set out to sleep with 100 people in a day, while Blue attempted 1,000, reigniting a debate about 'body counts' that quickly spiralled into outright misogyny. While some critics voiced concern over the ethics of such stunts, much of the outrage stemmed from the sheer audacity of women publicly embracing their sexuality. The reaction split into two camps: one expressing concern over the men involved and another fixating on the idea that women having too much sex is inherently wrong. This kind of reaction, unfortunately, isn't surprising. Slutshaming is often about power and control, according to Erica Smith, founder of the Purity Culture Dropout Program, which helps people unlearn internalised shame. She tells Mashable, 'Often a person will slutshame someone because they think that person needs to be put in their place.' The deep-rooted stigma surrounding sex work has long been used to punish women for any sexual behaviour that isn't seen as perfectly pure. If a woman's number is 'too high', she is treated as though she has crossed some invisible threshold into territory reserved for sex workers, who are already relentlessly judged and vilified. Of course, the idea that women's value disintegrates with each person they sleep with completely disregards consent, sexual agency, and the fact that women don't exist purely to be chosen by men. What's even more insidious is how this rhetoric is framed as 'helpful advice' rather than what it actually is: old-fashioned misogyny, dressed up in modern aesthetics. Slutshaming is also about deflection. 'They may not be happy with their own sex lives, and it's hard for them to see someone enjoying themselves freely,' Smith says. Instead of embracing sex positivity, some people choose to dismiss, belittle, and even actively suppress it. At the heart of the body count debate is a fundamental misunderstanding of human sexuality. The idea that a single number can define someone's character, their capacity for love, or their ability to commit is not just ridiculous; it's dangerous. Sexuality isn't a fixed formula. Some people have had many partners, others have had very few, and neither experience is inherently better or worse. Studies consistently show that a person's sexual history has no bearing on their ability to maintain a healthy, fulfilling relationship. So instead of 'what's your body count', the real question should be: why are we still measuring a person's worth this way? Sluts: The Truth About Sex Shame & What We Can Do To Fight It by Beth Ashley (£9.99, Penguin Random House) is out now and is available from Amazon and all good bookshops.
