‘Do you overshare here often?' Why revealing too much on a first date could be a red flag

The Guardian

04-03-2025

Name: Floodlighting.
Age: The term – said to be coined by the author and psychologist Brené Brown – is new. The toxic dating practice it describes may have been going on for longer.
Floodlighting? Let me guess, is it taking a first date to the evening football match at Anfield, although you know they are an Everton supporter? Er, no.
OK, I give up. It's about oversharing personal information very early on in a relationship, or even before it has begun.
Like what? A floodlighter might talk about difficult previous relationships, childhood trauma or their parents' divorce, for example, to someone they have just met.
Isn't that just being a bit vulnerable? Well, yes, but it's about utilising that vulnerability, deliberately or subconsciously. 'It involves sharing a lot of personal details all at once – to test the waters, speed up intimacy or see if the other person can 'handle' these parts of you,' Jessica Alderson, the co-founder of the dating app So Syncd, told Glamour magazine.
So it's emotionally manipulative – the opposite of being vulnerable? That's what the actor and podcaster Becca Tobin says. 'It presents as somebody who's very open and very vulnerable. When they overshare a lot right up front … they're floodlighting you, flashing these lights into your face. Essentially, it's their armour to make you think they're very open.'
Gosh, dating these days is so complicated, with all these catfish and ghosts and who knows what else flying around the place. I don't know if I can even remember what 'hoodfishing' is. More of a 2024 thing. Hoodfishing means lying about where you are from in order to get a credibility boost.
That's it. 'Why aye, man, I'm fae Newcastle – you're interested now, aren't ya, pet?' Hmm, maybe. Then there's 'throning'.
Scrolling dating apps on the loo? Dating only people who will raise your social status.
Ah, a fancy way to describe gold-digging. Rich and cool aren't the same thing.
If you say so. Anyway, floodlighting seems worse – deceptive and calculating. That's what Alderson says: 'It can lead to the person on the receiving end feeling overwhelmed and even suffocated.'
What's next? Has waterproofing been turned into a dating term yet? Don't think so. Yet.
It was so much easier in the old days. Oh, here we go, grandad. I know, if you liked someone, you asked them for a dance, had a few pints, didn't say much, then got married ...
Do say: 'I'd love to hear all about it. Next time. Maybe.'
Don't say: 'I know we've only just met, but there's a couple of things I need to tell you.'