Rihanna finds ‘Smurfs' in a hopeless place

Boston Globe

4 days ago

So I was quite worried when I learned that 'Smurfs' not only sends its heroes to real-world Paris, it has Rihanna playing Smurfette and John Goodman co-starring as Papa Smurf. 'It's deja Smurf all over again!' I muttered.
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Papa Smurf (John Goodman).
Paramount Animation
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That was before I read that the script was by 'South Park' veteran and 'Team America: World Police' co-writer, Pam Brady, and directed by Chris Miller, who directed the 'Shrek' spin-off, 'Puss in Boots.' (Chris Miller did not direct 'The Lego Movie' or '21 Jump Street.'—that's
Christopher
Miller.)
'Perhaps Brady will bring some irreverence to this movie,' I thought. Plus, I liked 'Puss in Boots' well enough to give its director the benefit of the doubt. I was cautiously optimistic as I entered the theater. When the credits rolled on this animated bore, I felt like a Smurfing fool for getting my hopes up. I wanted to kick my own Smurf.
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Your kids will probably love this movie, which means you'll be watching it often. Excuse me while I giggle with unSmurflike malice.
To its credit, 'Smurfs' does at least try to tell a coherent story. Papa Smurf (Goodman) creates Smurf Village as a way to hide one of the four magic books that can be used to bring either good or evil into the universe. He populates the mushroom houses with the male
Smurfs you're familiar with, such as Vanity Smurf (Maya Erskine) and Worry Smurf (Billie Lourd). If you happen to be unfamiliar, don't worry. There's a disco number at the beginning of the film that introduces all 3 gazillion Smurfs.
Rih—I mean, Smurfette is by far the most popular Smurf in the village. I'm glad the film acknowledged her origin story as a creation of the evil, Smurf-hating wizard, Gargamel (JP Karliak), who designed her to lure the Smurfs to him. It's unfortunate that they left out the part where she originally looked like a blue Olive Oyl before Papa Smurf gave her the Mamie Van Doren treatment.
No Name (James Corden) and Smurfette (Rihanna) in "Smurfs."
Paramount Animation
Believe it or Smurf, Smurfette isn't the main character in this movie. That role belongs to No Name Smurf (James Corden), the only Smurf in the village who doesn't have a defining characteristic. After trying over 10,000 jobs, including wooden clog making, No Name is having a major identity crisis.
While Smurfette gets to sing one of several songs in the film (a song co-written by Rihanna, no less), it's No Name who gets the big 'I Want' number. His wish for a vocation is granted, but not without severe repercussions.
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Meanwhile, Gargamel's younger brother, Razamel (also voiced by Karliak) is in cahoots with three other evil wizards to secure the book Papa Smurf's been hiding for 100 years. Razamel sounds like a cream you'd use to cure the Smurf on your Smurf, proving that those poorly named wizards had some mean parents.
Joel (Daniel Levy) and Razamel (JP Karliak) in "Smurfs."
Paramount Animation
Because of an accidental use of magic in the normally magic-free Smurf Village, Razamel is able to use a portal to snatch the Smurfs, including Papa and his red-headed brother, Ken (Nick Offerman). It's up to Smurfette, No Name, and a few others to save the day. Along the way, they meet some scary looking creatures led by Mama Poot (voiced by Natasha Lyonne at her raspiest), who help them out.
There are so many missed opportunities in 'Smurfs' that I wanted to pull out all my Smurf. Different animation styles are used, but they never seamlessly cohere. The cast is made up of a murderer's row of great voices like Sandra Oh, 'Schitt's Creek' alum Dan Levy, Octavia Spencer, and William S. Preston, Esq. himself, Alex Winter.
Hefty Smurf (Alex Winter), Vanity Smurf (Maya Erskine), Worry Smurf (Billie Lourd), Ken (Nick Offerman), Smurfette (Rihanna), No Name (James Corden), and Brainy Smurf (Xolo Mariduena) in "Smurfs."
Paramount Animation
The biggest Smurfing deal is that they got Kurt Russell to play Papa Smurf's brother, Ron. His blonde hair is so long and luxurious that it makes Smurfette look like Kojak. Having Russell, Offerman, and Goodman play brothers is casting manna from Heaven, yet this movie doesn't do anything remotely Smurfing interesting with them.
Eventually, No Name finds his true calling. It's no surprise that it's film criticism. That's right, No Name Smurf grew up to be me. If you believe that, I've got a Smurf in Brooklyn to sell you. Just be aware that my fake ending is better than the one you'll get in 'Smurfs.' As the fella once said, 'ain't that a kick in the Smurf?'
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★1/2
SMURFS
Directed by Chris Miller. Written by Pam Brady. Starring Rihanna, John Goodman, James Corden, JP Karliak, Nick Offerman, Sandra Oh, Dan Levy, Octavia Spencer, Alex Winter, Maya Erskine, Billie Lourd. At AMC Boston Common, Landmark Kendall Square, Alamo Drafthouse Seaport, AMC Causeway, suburbs. 92 min. PG (some necessary bleeps by Sound Effects Smurf)
Odie Henderson is the Boston Globe's film critic.