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What to Know Before Going to Lollapalooza

What to Know Before Going to Lollapalooza

The Onion4 days ago
In an effort to help visitors have the best experience possible at the four-day music festival in Chicago's Grant Park, The Onion offers tips to prepare for Lollapalooza.
While the CTA is a safe and convenient option, we both know you'll be taking a $93 Uber back to Glencoe.
General admission ticket holders can reserve single- or multi-day locker rentals for a fee, while VIP and Platinum ticket holders can leave their stuff with Gracie Abrams.
Nice try, but they're going to look inside the Altoids tin.
It's recommended that patrons learn how to handle their shit.
We recommend going before you arrive.
We can't guarantee you will not be shot.
No mules bigger than a German shepherd.
Rattlesnake, cobra, mamba, viper, and copperhead.
In the event of high winds, Olivia Rodrigo will immediately be outfitted with bungee cords and a weighted vest.
Visitors may store their ornamental carp in a secure onsite pool for $25 per koi per day.
June Squibb will not be in attendance.
As always, we've placed hundreds of little bald guys in black hoodies throughout the festival. Try to find all the Mobys!
Hyperrealistic rat costume
Guests are encouraged to park in the Nebraska commuter lot and take the Amtrak from Omaha.
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